Do You Think You're Up For This?

“You're there when I fall, you help me be strong, even when I lost my faith. We're standing so tall, we made it through it all. We will keep it going strong, ‘cause I feel it in the songs.” - Midtown

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I sit in the passenger seat of Suzie and Mike’s car as she drives south on the expressway towards Midway Airport.

We’re picking up Jude and Seb today for a band meeting. They’re flying in from L.A. so we can discuss what’s going to happen with the band in the upcoming months.

Michael’s gone for most of the week; playing a few shows with Pistol Youth since The Academy Is... is on break until their next tour in a few months.

“You’re quiet,” Suzie comments, turning down the radio, which she had previously been singing along to. I shrug.

“I’m thinking.”

“What about?”

“I…I’m just afraid that after…after the baby, I won’t be able to…” I sighed. “I don’t want the band to break up, Suze. We've done so much. We’ve been together so long, and I’m not ready for it to be over yet,” I spill, before I can help myself.

“It doesn’t have to be over, Rae,” she insists. “We’ll just take a break until after-”

“What about touring?” I demand, interrupting. “I can’t bring a baby on tour, Suzie! You…you might as well…replace me!” I exclaim, before thinking of what I’m saying.

“Rae, we’re not going to replace you. All four of us are a major part of the band,” she calmly reassures me, but I catch the small roll of her eyes that tells me I’m overreacting.

“So then what? We break up the band?” I ask. “I don’t want to give this up.” She sighs.

“Why are you worrying about this so much right now? It’s not like you can change what’s happening,” she points out. “Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“I just…”

“Maybe you should talk to Michael about this. See what he thinks.”

“I can’t tell him that, Suze. He’s so excited. What if he-I don’t know, quits the band or something?” She opens her mouth, most likely to disagree or tell me I’m overreacting. “Don’t say he wouldn’t think about it, Suzie. You know how he is when it comes to me,” I point out. She sighs impatiently.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Rae. I’m not married to you or Michael, so I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I want you to tell me that nothing’s going to change,” I say, fidgeting with my sleeve and unreasonably wishing what can’t be helped.

“Okay. Nothing’s going to change. That better?” she asks, sighing.

“No,” I agree glumly.

Suzie and I pick up Seb and Jude from the airport, and decide to go out to lunch at a restaurant nearby.

I roll my eyes at the first words Jude says to me when we sit down at a table.

“You don’t look pregnant. You’re not fat yet.” He reaches over to try and poke my stomach. I smack his hand away and ignore him while Suzie laughs.

We make a lot of small talk until our food comes; avoiding the inevitable topic that must come up at some point this afternoon.

Sure enough, halfway through the meal, it becomes the main topic.

“Well…I say we do a short tour soon and just postpone the next album,” Seb reasons. “Can you tour?”

The question’s obviously directed at me.

“I think so. If it’s in the next few months, at least.”

“So then what’s the problem?” Seb asks.

“Rae thinks the baby’s going to make us break up the band,” Suzie tells them for me. Seb bites his lip, running a hand through his hair, and Jude taps his fingers against the wooden table.

“Well, we’ll deal with that when it comes to it,” Seb says finally, offering me a small half-smile. I smile back at them, reassured by my best friends for the time being.

“Look on the bright side,” Jude begins, the three of us turning to look at him. “Maybe Michael will be happy that you’ll actually have boobs now.”I glare at him and kick Seb, who’s now laughing hysterically. I flush red before opening my mouth to retort.

“You’re such an ass, Jude,” Suzie replies for me, rolling her eyes.

Boys.