Do You Think You're Up For This?

“When I woke up alone, I had everything. A hand full of moments I wished I could change, and a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade.” - All Time Low

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On our day off in New York, we get to hang out with the Cobras, who are on break.

We wait in front of Victoria’s place for someone to let us in, eventually being greeted by Nate.

Everyone’s there when we follow Nate inside.

“Bill told us the news!” Victoria exclaims, after hugging me in greeting.

“Boy or girl?” Alex asks, hugging me as well.

“It’s a surprise,” I explain.

“I hope it’s a girl!” Vicky T. gushes, hugging me tightly.

Ryland and Gabe bend over to place an ear to my stomach while I playfully shove them away.

“Michael must be freaking out,” Victoria adds. I laugh.

“I’m freaking out enough for the both of us.”

Suzie, Victoria, and I go out shopping for the day, drawing minor attention from the paparazzi and some fans meanwhile all the guys go to Gabe’s to play videogames and whatever else it is guys do.

Later, we meet up again at Victoria's, everyone agreeing to stay in and invite a few people over instead of going out to smoky bars and clubs.

I quickly lose track of Susie while I talk to Victoria and Seb.

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Michael

“I don’t know what to do,” Mike says.

We’re at Tony’s this time, talking about tour in a few months in between eating and watching a football game on tv.

“Does she cook? Cook for her,” Sisky suggests.

“Neither of us know how to cook,” he admits, shrugging.

“Then what do you eat?” William asks quizzically. He shrugs again. “Okay, never mind. What if you clean the apartment?” I suggest. Butcher laughs.

It’s no secret that Suzie and Mike’s apartment’s always a mess that’s only ever slightly cleaner if they’re having guests over. We all tease them for it.

“Well, she would be surprised…” he says thoughtfully.

“Just show her that you care. That it matters to you and you miss her when she’s gone. That you still think about her,” I tell him.

“Chizzy’s gone soft on us,” Tony jokes.

“He’s right, though, Mike,” William agrees with me.

“Okay…” Mike says hesitantly, as we continue to give him ideas for Suzie’s homecoming.

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Suzie

“Where are we going?” Alex asks, drunkenly stumbling down the hall behind me, away from everyone at Victoria’s apartment. Thankfully, there’s just enough people that no one will really notice us gone.

“Just come on,” I giggle, pulling him along by the hand.

I don’t really know what I’m thinking, all I know is that maybe I’ve had more of Gabe’s Red-Bull-and-vodkas than I should have.

I stop once we’re down the hall and around the corner.

I lean in for a hug, smelling his scent and vaguely remembering that he isn’t Mike and I shouldn’t be this close to him.

“You smell nice,” I inform him, mumbling into his shirt. I pull away just slightly, reaching up to wind my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.

I know I’m wrong and drunk, but the moment is right, so I pull his head to mine to kiss him before I consciously know I’m doing it. I feel his hands at my waist, hesitantly at first, but they’re holding me there. My free hand finds itself innocently playing with the buttons on his shirt.

I feel a strange, drunken thrill wash over me and I attempt to open his mouth with my tongue. He abruptly pulls away right then.

“I-I’m sorry, Suzie. I can’t-you know I have a girlfriend.” He pauses. “And I can’t do this to you and Mike.” I look away so he won’t see my eyes sting with tears that I won’t let fall out of embarrassment.

I quickly turn to head outside, but he stops me and I have to face him again.

“Suze, I really am sorry. You’re amazing and I care about you.” His hand is on my arm. I know it shouldn’t give me goose bumps, but it does. “But you have Mike and I have my girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry,” I interrupt, through the choking lump in my throat. He chews on his lip nervously.

“I’m attracted to you, Suze. We just…shouldn’t be alone together.”

Even through my drunkenness, I know he’s right. I don’t know why I can’t control myself around him.

I don’t know whether it’s the lack of commitment when I’m with him or if I’m just trying to forget about my problems with Mike I’ll have to return to when tour is over.

Because in the back of my mind, I’m remembering that I love Mike and he’s waiting backhome in Chicago for me. Just like Michael is for Rae.

But I’m not Rae, and he’s not Michael.

I’m just confused.

I vaguely register that my eyes are wet, and I’m sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, hugging myself.

Alex sits next to me, letting me rest my head against his shoulder for friendly comfort.

Because that’s all we’ll ever be.