You're My Favourite Sound

The sound of the front door closing must have woken me because the first thing I remembered was two voices making their way to the kitchen, they belonged to Ethan and Ben. Ethan's twin brother must have come over for a visit or something.

From the bedroom, I could hear every word they were saying to each other. Maybe they were talking louder than normal, maybe they wanted me to hear them, or maybe it was just the thiness of the walls, but their current conversation was deffinately about me.

"Where's Miss. Armstrong this morning?" Ben asked.

The clinking of a spoon against a mug came before Ethan replied, "She's still in bed, hasn't really been sleeping much recently."

"Is it wedding plans?"

"I don't know, she doesn't really talk about it." He paused for a moment, before continuing, "She's not as talkative as she was a couple months ago. She's always moody."

"Dude, is she pregnant?"

I think Ethan sighed. "We haven't had sex in three months. She's even stopped talking about the wedding."

"Serious?" Ben sounded shocked. "Did you guys have a fight or something?"

"No, nothing's happened... Nothing I can think of. As much as I love October, I'm getting pretty tired of this shit, man. I feel like it's not even October anymore, you know? Like I've lost the girl I fell in love with and she's been taken over by this girl who wants nothing to do with me anymore."

I shut my eyes and buried myself deeper under the duvet. I didn't want to hear any more. I didn't want to hear what I was doing to Ethan, how much I was hurting him. Everytime I thought about what this was doing to him, it cut me up. Deep.

Although I was in the clear with Jamia now, I still had this decision hanging over my head, just looming there until I made up my mind. I was so confused and terrified that I wanted to run away, run from it all. But this was reality and reality meant I couldn't, I couldn't just take the easy way out. Reality sucked.

I jumped as my cell jerked in vibration and started ringing. I grabbed it from the nightstand and answered Hazel's call. "Hello?"

All that came back into my ear were her panicked slurs and muddled up words. She wasn't making any sense but was clearly anxious about something, and whether it was because I was still half asleep or not, my head couldn't take it in.

"Haze, stop a second, I can't understand you," I told the phone, sitting up in bed. She did, and all that remained was her rapid breathing. "Okay, start again and tell me what's wrong."

"I was cleaning out my room last night, you know, just a-a spring clean," Hazel began again, "And I-I went to the grocery store this morning, and when I came back and I-I went to put everything back in its place in my room, I realised that the abortion papers were missing, you know the ones with the clinic times and-and everything on them?"

"Yeah, I know," I replied and waited for her to finish.

"Well, I've searched everywhere in my room, October, I mean everywhere, and I don't know where they are, I-I just don't know, and I'm scared that Joshi's found them!"

"Okay, now I really doubt he found them, Hazel, he would have said something by now, don't you think?" I reasoned.

"Not necessarily, I mean, he could have found them while I was out like a half hour ago and ran out. I don't know what to do, October, I'm so scared! I mean, they couldn't have just disappeared!"

"Alright, uh, have you checked Josh's room?" I asked my panicking friend.

"No, I'll go now," she replied, and it was quiet as she went to Joshi's room, I guess. "Oh my God," she gasped. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!"

"What?" I quizzed, "What is it?"

"They're on his bed," she breathed. "They're on his fucking bed, he's fucking read them!"

"Oh shit, um, okay, um-"

"Fuck, October! Fuckety fuck fuck! What the fuck am I gonna do?! He's read them, he's read them and now he's going to absolutely hate me. Shit, oh my God, shit shit!"

"Hazel, get a grip!" I cried, "It'll be fine, I mean, how can he asume he was the father anyway? Or just explain to him your reasons, alright? He'll yell at you, yes, but I'm sure after he's had a while to take it in, he'll be understanding, okay?" It was silent on the other end. "Hazel, okay?" I asked again. Still nothing. "Hazel?"

"He's here," she whispered blankly, and the line cut off.

"Haze?" I called, receiving nothing. "Hazel?" The tone beeped into my ear. "Shit," I cursed and raced out of bed.

I made my way over to the apartment fast, jumping a couple red lights, but I didn't care. When I got to their floor, I could hear shouting coming from their place and found the door open ajar.

I pushed it open slowly, and when I did, it creaked loudly and both their heads turned to me. Hazel had tears streaming down her face and Joshi just looked flushed.

"You," he said, glaring at me harshly, "Do not even get me started on you, October Armstrong, you are meant to be my best friend! Both of you are! How could you go behind my back and do something like this? How could you have kept it from me, something as huge as this, October, why?!"

"Joshi, please, just let us explain-" I tried.

"I don't want to hear it!" he cut me off. "I don't want to hear 'I've got so much going on in my life right now', I don't want to hear 'Put yourself in my shoes', I don't want to hear any of it!" he spat to Hazel, moving the conversation from me to her, "Nothing can excuse what you did, nothing."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Hazel sobbed, hovering next to the sofa.

"Stop saying you're sorry," Joshi frowned to her. "'Sorry' isn't going to change what you did, 'sorry' isn't going to bring back the baby... the baby that would have been... mine." He said the last part in almost a whisper, before looking away and shaking his head. "I can't believe this," he chuckled humourlessly, running his hands back through his platinum hair, "I just can't believe this is happening right now... Who'd have thought we'd be here right at this moment?"

I very slowly began taking small steps towards him. "I know this is a lot to take in, Josh, sweetie, I know, but once it's sunk in maybe you'll understand that the abortion was for the best, maybe you'll see... just maybe?"

Joshi put his hand up. "Don't come any closer," he warned, shaking his head again and stopping me in my tracks, "Just don't touch me, okay? I can't be near you right now, neither of you."

Hazel, still sobbing, fell down onto the couch, shoving her head in her hands, most probably wishing this would all go away. I know I was.

I looked at Joshi and the look he returned was one I had never seen before on anyone, ever. It scared the living shit out of me and made me want to curl up and die, but at the same time, it made me feel for Joshi, which I did, and I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him we'd get through this, all three of us. But to be perfectly honest, I didn't even know if that was true.

Would we make it through this?

By Joshi's next sentence, it wasn't looking good. "I'm embarassed to call you my best friends," he told Hazel and I, before storming out of the apartment, not bothering to slam the door behind him. I don't think he had enough energy. But as he stormed out, he brushed past me like he didn't know me, like I was just some tramp in the street... like I was nothing.

But that was what I felt, that was what I was... Nothing.

I tried to comfort Hazel, but she wanted to be alone, she said it's what she deserved. So I left. I left the poor girl to cry alone in an empty apartment whilst I stepped outside for some cigarettes from the nearest store.

On my way back to my car, I lit one up and felt the beginning of the rain as it started to drop lightly onto my head. I decided then, I was going to walk home. Fuck the car, I'd walk in the rain. And rain it did.

About a half hour and two cigarettes later, I was drenched. Although I knew where I was going, I felt as lost as a puppy would feel if he were walking in the rain by himself.

I had a man who loved me, and a man who would die for me. I should have been on top of the world, but I wasn't. I should have felt asthough I had it all, but I didn't. I felt like nothing.

Throwing away my second finished butt, I exhaustingly made my way up my apartment building and unlocked the door to find my apprehensive fiance alone in the living room.

As soon as he saw me, he stood from the sofa. "Hey," he said softly, coming towards me, "I was worried about you." He placed his arms around my soaked body and I fell into them. "God, you're freezing," he commented, rubbing my arms to try and cause friction, before heading off to get me a towel.

"I'm a horrible fiancee," I blurted out suddenly as he wrapped it around my shaking frame. I shoved my face in his chest and kept telling him how sorry I was for making him feel shit and for making him feel ignored and unwanted.

"Hey, take it easy," Ethan told me gently, pulling away to try and catch my line of vision, "Sshh, it's okay." He held my face in his hands and kissed my lips tenderly. He then said, "October, I need to ask you something."

I felt my heart jump and nodded, "Okay."

"I don't want to be paranoid here, alright? But you've been acting a little weird lately, secretive. I mean, your car's not in the parking lot, you walked all the way home, and in the rain... and I can smell something."

I couldn't look at him, I couldn't even stand. I went over to the couch and plopped myself down, keeping my eyes on the carpet. Ethan followed and sat himself on the edge of the coffee table in front of me, sighing heavily.

"Are you cheating?" he asked. My eyes flew up to his then and I just stared at him for a moment, my heart racing, before dropping them again and sighing. "I can smell the smoke," he stated.

My eyes went back to his and I released the breath in the back of my throat, "Oh..."

He gave me a half lop-sided smile, "Are you smoking again?"

I didn't ask it to, but my head nodded, automatically. "Yeah, I am," I shrugged. It was the truth.

"Are you gonna quit?" Ethan furthered.

"I really want to," I replied. That was true, too.

He nodded slightly and moved forward to pull me back in for a hug. I held onto him so tightly I was afraid I wouldn't be able to let go.