You're My Favourite Sound

October hadn't even realised that her tears were now mixing with the raindrops that ran down her face; not that she really cared, either. As soon as her school came into sight, she wiped them away and steadied her breath, pleased that she could blame the remaining water on her face on the rain. She clamoured into the building and felt the warmth of the room wrap around her. She sulked into her class without a word to anyone and sat down quietly in the back.

The lecture was long, not that October paid attention to a word of it. During the lecture, she internally debated what her next move was to be. Should she break up with Ethan, revealing to everyone what a bitch she was? She could just deal with the shame and tell Ethan he deserved better. She also considered the option about losing Frank and merely pretending nothing happened between them. However, this never worked. If it didn't work in the movies, then it definately didn't work in real life, that was her motto.

The next thing she knew, the other students around her were packing up their books and leaving the class. October remained for a moment after they had all left, knowing that the next move she made was towards a decision that she really didn't want to have to go through with. Nevertheless, if she didn't get up soon, someone was going to want to talk to her, which was something she knew she didn't want.

So she packed up her books, slung her bag over her shoulder and headed out the door. When October stepped outside, the rain had let up a little, but the clouds still masked the sun from view. She headed over to the green and leaned back behind a tree, out of sight from the passers by, before her trembling hands brought up the number she wanted.

"Hey, baby," Frank said into her ear on the other line. "What's up? Do you need a lift from school?"

"Um, yeah... Please," October said limply. It was true, she did need a lift as Ethan had dropped her in the morning on his way to work, but there was another reason she phoned. She wasn't sure what that reason was yet.

"Okay, I'll be there in five," he replied.

"Okay," she barely whispered as nerves stirred up inside her.

"Hey, are you alright? You sound... different."

"Oh, no, I'm fine," October said quickly, but something in the pit of Frank's stomach made him think otherwise.

"You sure?" he pushed.

"Of course," she said, "I'll see you in five."

Frank hesitated for a moment, still concerned that she wasn't being completely honest, but selfishly happy that she wanted to see him. "Alright, baby, bye."

As soon as she hung up, October hunched over and gagged, releasing the contents of her stomach onto the damp grass. She coughed and spluttered until the vomit stopped, before falling backwards onto the tree again and sighing shakily. But managed to make a quick stop to the bathroom to clean herself up in time for Frank to pull up.

All the way to his place, October sat, frozen stiff in the car, her eyes glazed over, making it apparent that her mind was on other things.

Frank's hand rested lightly on her knee, as if in his mind, it was his way of holding onto her. His thumb moved back and forth over her kneecap, but October felt nothing; her whole body had gone numb with anticipation.

"Did you want to stop and get something to drink, because I think I'm all out of everything but diet coke," Frank laughed, finally breaking the silence as they neared home. He wore a neat baseball cap on his head, sitting slightly sideways.

"No," October mumbled, refusing to break her stare out the window. Words of confession kept rising in her throat and she had to work to keep them at bay. Another few moments of silence passed between them before the pressure was just too much for her to bear.

"I lied," she gasped as if she had been holding her breath.

She turned to see Frank, un-phased by her outburst. His eyes stayed glued to the road.

"About the drink thing?" he asked nonchalantly, turning his head a little as if to direct his comment at her.

"Well, yeah," her mouth felt like it was lined in cotton balls, "But about something else, too."

"About just now on the phone?" he asked again, still not looking at her but merely raising his eyebrows slightly.

"Yes," she trailed off.

"I know," he said firmly as he pulled into the parking lot of the hidden grocery store by his apartment.

He put the car in park and turned his head to look at her pleading eyes. Instead of saying anything else about their conversation, he leaned in, kissed her gently on the cheek and smiled meekly at her.

"We'll talk about it when we get back, okay?" he said, still smiling at her.

October said nothing to this, how he could be so calm about it was beyond her; her mind was racing a mile a minute.

They walked silently through the almost empty store, dropping things in the shopping cart as they cruised down the isles. Frank grabbed four cases of Red Bull and put them in the cart, looking at October as if to ask if it was enough. She smiled absentmindedly and they continued on.

At the check out counter, Frank bought a pack of cigarettes. He was nervous, so nervous in fact that his eagerness to smoke one of the newly purchased cigs as soon as they got in the car didn't worry October. She knew that the tobacco helped to calm his nerves.

Infact, she had one herself. She desperately needed to be calm.

Frank sat in the car to finish his cigarette while October, having smoked hers in a flash from nerves, grabbed a few of the bags and carried them upstairs. She opened the door to his apartment and strolled in, carelessly dropping the bags on the kitchen counter before walking over to the sink. She placed her hands on the edges of it, partly because she was shaking and also because she felt as if she was going to vomit again.

October hated confrontation. Every time she had to deal with it, it had always resulted badly. With her parents, her friends, her now ex-boyfriends. But she also knew that it wasn't fair to lie about it, and it wasn't going to help if she pretended like it was nothing.

Frank walked in quietly with the rest of the groceries and closed the door behind him. He trudged over to the couch and sat down slowly, covering his face with his hands and then running them back through his hair, taking off his hat in the process. He repositioned it on his head and looked up at the younger woman, who now had her back to the sink and was studying his every move.

He motioned for her to come sit down, but she was having trouble moving. Her head screamed at her legs to take a step, but they refused to budge. It took all the will power in her to take the first few steps towards the couch, but once she started, momentum carried her the rest of the way. She sat down slowly, pulling her legs up close to her body and avoiding Frank's pensive eyes.

The seconds felt like hours. Neither of them knew where to start, or how to start. It had to be the most awkward, uncomfortable situation the two of them had ever been in.

"I..." October finally said, barely audible. "I have this problem with... with... uh..." she stammered. Getting the words out in the least embarrassing form seemed to be a near impossible task.

Frank just sat wide-eyed as she tried to finish a thought. He had known something was wrong, he could feel it, but her inability to tell him made his stomach twist itself tighter and tighter.

"This is so stupid," she finally blurted out. A single tear fell from her right eye, and she quickly wiped it away. "I'm sorry." She jumped up out of the chair, causing Frank to stand up simply out of his own shock.

"Hey," he yelled in a panicked tone and raced in front of her to stop her from leaving. "Wait, Octy, come on, it's okay, it's just me..." he said, holding her shaking arms and searching for her line of vision. "Look at me, baby, please," he whispered.

October slowly moved her eyes, now growing red and glossy from fighting tears, over to his, which were a soft, glowing hazel.

"I promise," he whispered, "This will all be okay. Just talk to me."

"I can't," she broke down. Tears rushed out of her eyes as if the words had broken down the dam that held them back. "I can't tell you, I can't do it."

"Why?" he asked soothingly.

"I don't want to make you hate me," she stuttered in between gasps for breath. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

"For what?" he replied. "Nothing you could say would make me want to hate you. I'm not going anywhere." He wrapped his arms around her neck, and felt her body shake as she continued to try and stop the tears from falling.

"Frank, we've..." she stuttered out after she had began to successfully regulate her breathing, "We've been this secret for three and a half months now and we haven't even discussed it. Why haven't we talked about it? Why haven't we discussed what's going to happen?"

Frank shut his eyes and sighed into her hair. He knew he was the reason for this, he'd been putting off talking about it, but he also knew they'd have to talk about it some time.

"Because I'm scared," he spoke quietly. October moved her head to look at him. "I'm scared that if we do, I'd lose you," he continued, "I don't want to think about that, I just want us to be. I just want you, no matter how, just you. I count myself lucky just to be one of your boyfriends."

October frowned and swallowed loudly, not meaning to. "You may think you're lucky, but I don't. I don't think you're lucky to be a part of this mess, I think it's really unfair to you and it's killing me, knowing what this is putting you through." She hesitated as she carried on, but knew it had to be done. "And you may not want to lose me, but maybe it's better. That's why I have to end it, end us, right now."

Frank stood back and stared at her. "What?" he breathed.

October continued to wipe away the tears streaming down her face, before she whispered, "I have to stay with Ethan, it's the right thing to do."

Frank's eyes were wide, he couldn't believe she was saying this. "How do you know it's the right thing?"

"Because it just is," she replied.

"What about the past few months?" he demanded, "They happened, October."

"I know they happened and it was wonderful," she agreed, "... But it was also irresponsible."

Frank turned on his heel, turning away from her and pulling his cap down over his face. "Oh God, please don't give me this shit!"

"I have a fiance who will be crushed if he finds out what I did to him!" October cried, and Frank faced her again, his cap back on his head.

"So you fool around with me for a while and go back to him? Was that your plan all along? Was I just something to help you make up your mind whether you were ready for marriage or not?"

"No! I made a promise to Ethan, he gave me a ring."

"Your promise is broken to shit now, don't you think?"

"Not if he doesn't know anything," she said, shaking her head back and forth.

Frank did the same, in pure disbelief. He was so confused and upset, he couldn't think straight, let alone talk.

"And he can't know anything, Frank, okay? You won't tell him, will you?" she asked worriedly.

"You know I won't," he sighed.

"I'm sorry," October whimpered and started towards the door.

"Wait, no!" Frank panicked again, stopping her. "You're tired! You're tired and you're bored of being ordinary, and you wouldn't have been with me if that wasn't true, if there wasn't something missing."

"Jesus, shove your arrogance back up your ass, Frank," she scoffed.

"No, listen, October, you're not gonna do this, okay? I'm not gonna let you throw all this away like nothing ever happened. Just leave Ethan!"

"I can't!" she argued, "I will hurt so many people."

"Right, it's gonna be hard, but we'll work through it day by day because I want that. I want you." He placed his hands on either side of her neck and kept their eyes locked. "I want all of you and everything that comes with you. I want just you and me, every day for the rest of my life."

October let out a sob, but didn't leave his eyes for a second. She had finally made a decision and she knew it would be hard, but not this damn hard.

"Where do you see yourself in the future?" Frank questionned, his hands still on her neck, "If you see yourself with Ethan, then fine. I lost you once and I will push myself with everything I have in me to do it again... If that's what you really want. But don't go doing what everyone else wants you to do and go the easy way."

"Easy way?" repeated October, "What are you talking about? No matter what I do, someone gets hurt!"

"Forget them! Forget everybody for a second, forget Ethan, forget me, forget your parents, and tell me what you want to do. What is it?"

"It won't make a difference-"

"What is it, October?" Frank cut her off, waiting intently for her answer. But she just exhaled a shakey breath and wiped her eyes, finally dropping his stare where his own pale hazel eyes were now glazing over with saline.

"I've made up my mind," October spoke sadly as she pulled away from him, "It's for the best, I'm sorry."

And with that, she was out the door.

Frank stood there in the middle of the empty apartment and, as much as he tried to choke them back, tears fell freely from his eyes. He wanted to chase after her, he wanted to beg her to take him back, and more than anything he wanted to blame it on the fact that she wasn't thinking straight, but he couldn't move.

More than anything, Frank would have loved to hurt Ethan like Frank was hurting, with a chair to the head, but that would take heart, and Frank's heart had just stumbled out the front door.