If I Never Hold You

If I Never Hold You Ch. 10- Begin the Break Down

I slammed open my door, locking it behind me. I screamed, letting out anger. Why the fuck does he like her? She’s really just a stupid prep!

I fell to my knees, the salt water tears sliding from my eyes, dripping on my thighs. Sobs escaped my mouth as I pictured them together.

Running my fingers through my hair, I opened my eyes; anger pulsing through my body. I stood, wiping my eyes and grabbing a beer from the fridge. I sighed, walking upstairs and climbing out my window to sit on the roof. Opening my beer, my eyes were still watery. Fuck. I can’t take this anymore…

The curtains from the open window blew in the breeze. It was 7… the moon was full… and I was waiting. Just waiting for something to just attack. Some thought to kick in and my mind to escape from the ease it was in.

…I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here… but when I noticed someone sat next to me; arm draped over my shoulder, I nearly screamed.

“Hey.” Brian said.

“How’d you get up here?” I asked, a bit shocked.

“Your door was unlocked and I saw you up here so I climbed out through your window.” He said as if it was the easiest thing. “What’s wrong?”

I sipped my still cold beer. “Johnny. His whore got pissed ‘cause we were hanging out. So he left.”

He shook his head, glancing away. “Sorry…”

“For what?”

“…nothing. Forget it.” He said. “Wanna come over? Matt, Jimmy, Val, and Leana are over.”

“Uh… no. thanks. I’m fine here. Thanks though.” I drank more. “So…how bout you and Ali?”

He grinned. “Yeah, we’re dating! But she couldn’t come over.” He sighed. “But Matt and Val are dating and Jimmy’s gonna ask Leana out tomorrow at school.”

“Cool! How sweet for all of you guys!” I exclaimed, feeling a surge of jealousy.

“I should go. See ya at school tomorrow!” he waved, leaving and walking into his house soon. I sighed, pulling out my cell and pushing away thoughts of Johnny. I dialed Ali’s number.

“Hey!” she picked up after 3 rings.

“Can you get out? I wanna walk.” I said, walking back inside, putting my beer in the fridge.

“Sure.” She said. “You doing the usual; walking to my house then we leave?”

“Yep. Alright, see ya.” After Ali, I called Danny, asking him to come too. He could and we’d meet halfway then go to Ali’s.

While I walked, the air still warm, I let my mind wander to Johnny. This wasn’t just a fling or a random crush. I could feel it. “Hey!” Danny said, tearing me from my thoughts. “Let’s get Ali.” I nodded. “Don’t think about him.”

“Huh?” I was shocked. We were almost down Ali’s street by now. Jeez, I keep spacing out.

“I kinda figured…” he sighed, stopping in front of Ali’s house with me.

“Guys!” she climbed out her window, running to us. “My parents aren’t home yet but I need to be back soon.” We began, keeping up conversation. “So why did you want to walk?”

“I just needed to clear my mind.” I replied.

We walked, screaming and singing at the top of our lungs just to piss people off. Finally, I was forgetting.

“Oh my God, Johnny!” Ali squealed. His name made me look up, staring as Ali ran towards him. He sat on the porch, staring at the ground. But when he heard his name was called, his head shot up.

And our eyes met.

But I broke my gaze, glancing away.

His eyes brought it all back, the fluttery feeling in my stomach, the pain in my head, in my heart, the thoughts, the hate. Not of him, but his girlfriend.

“Hey guys!” he called as Ali ran over there.

“It’s ok. Just don’t think about it.” Danny soothed as we walked to Johnny as well.

“How can I not?” I snapped between clenched teeth.

“What’re you guys doin out here?” Johnny asked; we stood next to him.

“Mel wanted to clear her mind.” Ali said. “Is Brian here or at home?”

“No, he’s at home. I just got in.” he was staring at me. I became self conscious and ran my fingers through my hair, letting the layered parts fall in my face a little. “Hey, can I talk to Melly for a sec?” Before I could argue, Danny and Ali were on the sidewalk, leaving us alone. He hand pushed the hair out of my face lightly. “You ok? I was worried about you. You weren’t like yourself earlier.” I stared up at him. His dark eyes hurt.

“Uh…” I don’t wanna hurt him… “Yeah. I-uh, have you ever had a really fun weekend they you realize, oh shit, school tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” he loosened up a bit.

“That’s what I was having. Sorry bout that.” I sighed, faking a smile.

“It’s ok. But Brit was angry ‘cause I was out of it. I couldn’t focus on the movie; just kept thinking bout you.” he embraced me; his words causing me to blush. Damn it! “Hey.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. “Mind seeing if we have any classes together?”

I shrugged, taking the paper and looking at the printed schedule. First math, second history, third gym, fourth science, fifth Spanish, sixth English, seventh lunch, eighth study hall. “I don’t believe it!” I glanced at him. “Every class. But 8th. Join band!”

“Yeah, really! Dude! Our bass player just left for LBCC. The career center here.” Danny chimed in, obviously hearing our convo.

“Really? Maybe I should…” he said, thinking.

“Cool! Bur Mel, I need to get back home.” Ali sighed.

“Alright.” I turned back to Johnny, giving his schedule back and he hugged me again.

“See ya tomorrow, guys! Mel, I’ll call you later tonight, ok?” Johnny asked.

I nodded, not having the right thing to say. We left. After Ali was home, Danny walked me home; talking about Johnny the whole time might I add…

When I was inside, I slammed he door, locking it, and running up the stairs to my bedroom where I collapsed on my bed, tears falling. This was the start of issues. When Brittney finds out we’re in all classes together, she’s gonna start shit… like last time… I’m not going to think about that.

“If I could find you now, Things would get better. We could leave this town, And run forever. I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together. Let your waves crash down on me, And take me away.” my cell rang. Johnny. Fuck.

I ignored it. I can’t take talking to him. I keep getting this thought in my head that I should tell him my feelings… but I can’t. It’s just not probable.