If I Never Hold You

I felt woozy, in all honesty. The blood was practically drained from me. I met up with the guys for a while. They sat in the crummy chairs of the waiting room.

I sat down; silence hurt my head. Five guys, normally loud, were acting like their mouths were sewn shut. I gazed up for a second, imagining black thread sewn through all of their lips; three x’s ensuring their mouths were shut.

Shaking my head, I blinked away the mirage. My gaze returned to the floor; scratched and scuffed tiles. Patterns were created; like a checkerboard of beige and browns. There were nail marks in the wooden arm rests of the chairs. Well, mine at least. The fabric was a pale pink and white tiny checker print; stains covered the corners. Coffee, I’d imagine. The cushioning was worn down from use. God only knows how many poor people had to sleep here overnight, waiting for family members.

God only knows if we’ll have to do the same thing…

My mind crossed over the possible reason people stayed: waiting for a family member to wake from a coma? Surgery? Pregnancy? The possibilities were endless.

All I knew was that I wished Mel would wake up. I needed her with me. I needed to hold her and tell her that everything would be okay; that everything was going to be better after tonight…

Well, if we get out of here…alive.

It was true that if Mel left us, we’d all die a bit…

It’s interesting how a single action can have so many outcomes. One action causes a reaction.

One day too many spent with a girl you didn’t love, could possibly kill someone.

A tear escaped my closed eyes. I can’t believe I put her through that… Imagining what she’d gone through with every time she saw me and Brit together, I felt like falling apart…

I’m sure that’s what she was doing every time; falling apart.

Now, I’ve changed. I’m going to put her back together; kiss the pieces back into place.

Again, with the single act. Jimmy touched my knee.

I looked up at him, not bothering to wipe my tears.

His blue eyes were bloodshot, matching my brown ones. In that moment, I seemed to memorize the way he breathed; a simple thing assuring me he was alive.

Then, he unexpectedly took my hand in his. With others, it may seem gay, with Jimmy, it was natural. I quite enjoyed the comfort…

With the simple acts…to reactions.

“Johnny?” I jumped, suddenly not used to noise. The doctor stood there, smiling, “Do you want to see her?”

“W-what?” I cleared my throat, my voice feeling hoarse. “She’s awake?”

He smiled, “yes, she is. And she’s asking for her friends.”

“Friends?” I stammered. Will she still call me a friend after all of this? …I wouldn’t if I were her.

Jimmy squeezed my hand, pulling me to my feet. “We’re on our way.” He spoke for me. Matt stood abruptly; pushing passed me and walking towards the room. “Dude, what the fuck?”

“She-she won’t want to see me.” I whispered to Jimmy.

“Come on, dude. Yes she fucking will. Give her a chance. She’s gonna be happy to see you.” Zacky suggested, leading the way to the room.

Matt’s POV

Upon entering the room, a sigh escaped my mouth. Mel was fine which made me very grateful. Her skin was pale, veins protruding on her arms from where the needles were stuck. Her breathing was uneasy, and her body twitched slightly.

“Matt.” She greeted.

“Oh, fuck Mel…” I muttered, rushing to the bedside and embracing her, “I was so worried…”

“I’m fine.” She sighed, holding me tightly.

I stayed silent for a few, holding her in my arms. She was cold. “You lost a lot of blood…” I gazed down at the bandages on her wrists.

“I did.”

“You scared us.”

“I did.”

“Were you dead?”

She paused, “I was.” I grew silent again, “I’m sure of it. Who gave me blood? I needed O.”

“Johnny.”

“Did he?” she seemed to be caught in thought.

“He feels really bad.”

She gazed up at me, “he knows why I did this?”

“Yes.”

“And…?”

“And what?”

A sigh left her plump lips, “what’s he going to do about it?”

I smirked, standing up straight, “well, looks like that’s something you’re gonna have to take up with him, now isn’t it?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Yeah, you need to. You two need to sort this all out.” I decided, turning away.

“Matt?” I didn’t turn back…well, right away, at least. That is, until she called me again, “Matt.” Her voice held pain, she sobbed my name. I turned so fast, I believe she felt the wind from her spot on the bed.

Tears fell from her cheeks. I was so close to the door and by the time I realized what she’d been doing, I was too late.

The needles in her arms, giving her blood, were torn out. She ripped them from her skin, blood pouring out all over the floor.

“Mel, no!” I screamed.

She’d had her mind made up and her bare feet hit the cold tile before I could take a step in her direction. She hasn’t walked in a long time. She hasn’t had enough blood in her system for hours. Her body wouldn’t function right.

I began running to her but she ran past me, tears now streaming off her cheeks. Her running faltered slightly and I tried catching her, just ending up missing her completely. She ran right past me and out into the hall. She’d torn off the hospital gown, her clothes from before, bloodstains and all, underneath. I screamed for the guys; they had to be in the hall, right?

“Mel!” I called again at the top of my lungs. “Come back!” She left the room, body shaking still. I charged after her, faster than I’d ever moved. “Mel!” her brown hair flew behind her, bare feet thudding against tile flooring as my Vans made loud noises. I spotted the guys at the far end of the hallway, staring in shock. “Get her!” they seemed to understand and spanned themselves across the width of the hall.

“Mel.” Johnny cried.

His voice broke her out of her state and she faltered again, slowing her pace down enough for me to run in front of her. I caught her as she fell; blood dripping from her arms and her knees now bruised. I held her, bridal style as she gasped, crying. Her bandaged wrist lie by her lips as she tried crying the pain away. Blood seeped through, staining her lips as she pulled back. The guys all ran up.

“Matt…” she whispered, staring right up at me, blood on her lips, mixing with her tears, “Matt, I don’t want to.”

“Don’t want to what?” I whispered as well, holding her tighter.

“I…I don’t want to be hurt again…” she murmured, repeating it over again only quieter, if that was even possible.

Tears filled my eyes. Kissing her forehead, I held her tighter as I watched the guys’ nervous expressions. My eyes met Johnny’s; matching tears in our eyes.

Fuck, Christ… I honestly don’t know; will she trust you? ...Will she trust herself?