If I Never Hold You

Johnny’s POV

Mel’s been home for a day now. Her parents just think it was some stupid anxiety attack. I’m here now and she’s telling them; it’s nerve-wracking for me. I thought the hospital had told them the truth and they were gonna blow their fuse from her lies.

There’s not a single steady heart in the room. She asked me to come with her back home. No one else. Not Matt or Brian. Me, of all people.

I’m just waiting for her to gaze at me, cuss me out, and then start balling. I hate when she’s mad at me. More than that, I hate when she cries.

“I’m fine thought guys. Sorry to worry you.” she stood up, walking towards the door, a fake smile on her face. “You coming, Johnny?”

“Y-yeah.” I stood, “nice meeting you two.” I smiled at her parents.

“You’re a wonderful friend for sticking by our daughter through all of this.” Her father commented.

“Thank you so much. She couldn’t have a better friend.” Her mom smiled.

“You’re welcome. It’s the least I could do for such a sweetheart.” With that, I left the room and went out the door with Mel.

She was silent upon our exit. The air was still as we sat on the deck, the sun gleamed brightly, and her hair looked beautiful in the sunlight…

“I hated you, you know.” She spoke up.

“I know.”

“And it really hurt me to love you but know that you loved someone else.” I remained quiet, reminding myself that she needed to vent. “I didn’t think that she meant this much to you.”

“She didn’t.” I defended.

“Then why are you still with her?” she spoke softly, hurt. Her eyes met mine.

“I…I-it’s a long story.”

She looked around, “I have the time.”

I sighed, shaking my head as I pulled out my cell phone, dialing her number. It rang twice before I heard her high voice answer, “Jonathan!!”

“Brittany, we need to talk.” Mel sat up straighter, “I know you’re gonna be mad but…well, I’m done. I’m tired of this shit and I want you to know that you mean nothing to me anymore. I’ve realized my love for Mel and I know she’s meant for me.”

“W-what!?”

“Goodbye Brittany.” And I hung up.

I guess I half-expected Mel to get up, throw her arms around my neck and laugh loudly. I expected her to love me even more for what I’d just done and how I’d spoken so highly of her in front of a girl who just a few seconds ago, I was still dating.

None of that happened.

Mel just sat back in her chair, staring at the fading sunset.

“I don’t think Brian would really want me to tell you what happened. I was expecting him to tell you but since he’s not here…”

“Dude, I’ll fucking do it…” we gazed up to find Brian sitting on his roof, listening in. He slowly left, leaving the beer on the windowsill and making his way through the house and outside. He met us on the deck, kicking a rock with the toe of his Converse. “Mel, I just want to start off with an ‘I’m sorry’.”

“I can’t accept.”

“What? Why not?”

“I don’t even know what you’re sorry for.” She finally looked up at him.

“Oh, well, yeah…that’s what I’m about to tell you…” he took a deep breath. There were two outcomes to this, Mel would stop talking to the both of us completely or…Mel would rip out our vocal chords, shove them up our asses and cut off our tongues. “You remember that party, right? One of the first days we were all here. It was the one where, ah, Johnny met…”

“Where Johnny and Brit were caught locked at the tongue? Yeah, I do recall that night.” She spoke, staring out at the sky again. If she hadn’t spoken, I’d have been worried about her mind right now. She seemed to be having a breakdown - again.

“Yeah, well, when Johnny asked to talk to me, I agreed. He took me off to the side and told me that Brit asked him out. I later found out it was only to piss you off, but let me continue. So Seward came to ask me what I think he should do. I told him to date her but bet him that he wouldn’t be able to date her for three months. I figured, ya know, she’d just dump his ass or somethin.” He laughed a bit, stopping when he saw she wasn’t looking at him. “Anyway, Johnny, being the bull-headed ass he is, accepted after I began calling him a pussy and whatnot; just fuckin around. I didn’t think he’d take it seriously until he came to me a few weeks later and told me that he hates when I do that shit. It was all in good fun, Mel, really. I didn’t think you had a thing for him. Then when I saw you two dancing that night, I thought it was just gonna be a fling or something, you know?” another glance to Mel which she didn’t return. “Once I found you really cared for him, I talked to Johnny and told him to call off the bet because it was hurting someone important. He just wanted his $50 so he told me to stuff it. Considering he was mad at me, I thought he’d consider quitting the bet. Of course I was wrong.”

“Mel, in my defense, I didn’t think you liked me. I didn’t think that I could even get you. I figured I couldn’t do any better than Brit and I was settling.” I sighed, feeling incredibly stupid as I spoke these words aloud. They sounded better in my head.

“So that’s it. When Seward saw what happened and figured out why it did and why you were in the hospital, something clicked. You should give him a bit of credit considering her broke up with her like that and spoke so highly of you, right?” Brian was attempting to help and I crossed my fingers that it wouldn’t hurt.

“Thank you for informing me, Brian. Can I please talk to Johnny alone?” she didn’t turn her gaze from the sky. It was a bit eerie, if you ask me.

“S-sure.” Brian stuttered, walking away and going inside his house.

“Mel, I-” she turned to me as I spoke, biting her lip. That’s when I saw tears in her eyes. It had been the first time she’d cried since she was in the hospital in Matt’s arms. She didn’t cry when they pricked her with needles, when they did more tests on her, when they took bone marrow, or even when she realized I hadn’t broken up with Brit yet. Now, the tears flowed freely. She was alone, or so she felt.

“Do you know what I did for you?” she began, “I gave up everything for you. I turned down every guy, I stayed up late nights texting you, I helped you when you were down, I picked you up when you fell.” The next part she whispered, “I even gave you my fucking virginity! Isn’t that enough? You fucking had my heart and you destroyed it. You tore it to shreds. Do you want to start over? ‘Cause if you do, you’re going to have to pick up all the pieces. I can’t do it myself. I don’t care enough.”

“Don’t say that.”

She looked down at her wrists. The bandages were off considering her mom and dad would ask why they were there. The stitches were healing and there was still a bit of dried blood at the ends. “I thought I had it together. I thought I could deal with it for a while longer… but when I found out you fucked…I just lost it.”

“Wait, we what!?”

She gazed up at me, “Brit told me that you two had sex. She said she took your virginity and I knew then that you hadn’t told her about us.”

“We never fucked.” I said.

She paused, opening then closing her mouth as if she had something to say but decided against it, “Oh.”

“What a bitch, she put you over the edge and you broke. What a fucking cunt…” I snapped, “We never fucked. I just wanted to get done with her. Three months was almost up, you know. I wanted that fifty bucks. I was…planning on breaking up with her after and taking you out on a date with that money…”

At this, her eyes brimmed with more tears which she’d just gotten to go away, “What?” I stayed quiet, gazing down. I hoped she wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. She came closer, on her knees in front of my chair as she touched my arm.

“I never wanted to hurt you…” I muttered, “You were too precious for me and when people would say you liked me, I’d yell at them. No one like you could ever like me. I’m nothing like what you need. I didn’t want you hurting. I thought you were going to die when I saw you in the hospital…”

“But Johnny…” she breathed, “you’re everything I need…”

I smiled slightly, “Really?”

“Really.” She gazed up at me, “I survived all of this, hoping that maybe you’d see. That you’d possibly see me for who I am and open up your eyes that we’d be perfect together.”

“I did see. I knew you were everything I wanted but I never wanted to try. I thought I’d end up broken hearted.”

“That’s where you’re wrong…” she smiled, getting closer to me. I picked her up and set her on my lap, pushing the hair behind her ear as I captured her lips with my own.

“Mel, will you be my girlfriend?” I whispered between a kiss.

“Of course.” She smiled, kissing me three more times.

“I love you, Johnny.”

“I love you too, Mel.”

And we sat there, watching the sun set together. Her head was on my chest and I held on for dear life. I felt that if I let go, even slightly, I’d wake up from this heavenly dream…

“Mel?”

“Hm?” she was falling asleep.

I felt the pulse in her wrist and smiled, “You know…you have my blood pumping through your veins right now…” I kissed her temple.

“Now I’m a part of you…” she whispered with a cute little giggle punctuating her sentence.

“No; you’ve always been a part of me…”