Break Myself

It had been about two weeks since Marty and Natalia’s first date, and ever since then, they had been spending most of their free time together, plus going to every home Blackhawks game. Tonight was another game, and Marty was supposed to meet Natalia there in a half an hour.

As Marty walked up to the box, he looked around and saw a lot of people dressed in military outfits. It took him a minute to figure out what was going on, but he finally remembered that tonight’s game was celebrating everyone in the military.

He fought his way through the sea of green camouflage, trying to make his way to his box. Finally, he had gotten through, and when he walked inside, he found a person in an Army outfit. He looked around the box, wondering if he had gone in the wrong one, but he immediately stopped when he heard Natalia say, “Hey, I was wondering where you were.”

Marty looked up and noticed that it was in fact Natalia dressed in an Army outfit. “Hey,” he smiled, walking over to her and giving her a hug. He pulled away from her just a bit, inspecting her outfit. “I see you’re supportive of Military Night,” he told her. “You’ve definitely dressed the part.”

Natalia laughed a little. “Yeah, that’s one way of putting it,” she said.

She watched as his eyes traced over her outfit, stopping on the name on the front of the shirt. He immediately locked eyes with her, and she could see him trying to figure things out in his head. “Wait, your shirt says McDonough. Are you in the military?” he questioned.

“Army, yeah,” she replied. “Well, I was in the Army.”

“Was?” he questioned.

“Yeah, I was released a couple of months ago,” she stated, and Marty simply nodded his head.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that you were in the Army?” he asked her.

“Well, to be honest, you just never asked. Besides, it’s not something I like to talk about that much with other people.”

Marty started connecting everything he had learned about Natalia in the last few weeks in his head. From her father saying that she didn’t always do well around a lot of people, to Natalia saying she had something like claustrophobia, to the way she reacted about different things. He then added in the fact that she was in the military, but she was released a few months ago. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in his head. He looked over at her. “You don’t have claustrophobia, do you?” he asked.

Natalia looked up at him, slowly shaking her head. “What’s wrong?” he asked. When she was quiet for a minute, he could tell she was battling with herself over whether she should tell him or not. “Natalia, please tell me. You know it’s not going to change the way I feel about you. I just want to know what’s wrong,” he tried coaxing her.

“I have post traumatic stress disorder,” she said, just above a whisper.

Marty hadn’t thought he had heard her correctly at first. “Post traumatic stress disorder?” he asked.

“Yeah, PTSD. You know, it’s when something really bad happens, and you’re pretty much traumatized by it,” she said, thinking he didn’t know what the condition was.

“I know what it is,” Marty told her. “How did it happen?” he asked, knowing it was unlikely that she was going to tell him the reason. It had taken her this long just to confess that she had PTSD.

“Now is not the place or time to tell you,” she said, looking out onto the ice where they were getting ready to drop the puck.

“But you will tell me?” Marty asked softly, and Natalia nodded her head, not turning her gaze away from the ice. “After the game? We can go back to my apartment?” he offered, and she once again nodded her head.

Marty spent the rest of the time at the game, not paying attention to what was going on out on the ice, but instead worrying about Natalia. He couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to her and if she was okay or not.

While he wasn’t an expert on post traumatic stress disorder, it wasn’t something completely foreign, either. He knew a little bit about it, like something terrible must have happened to Natalia, and he absolutely hated that fact. He wished that he could have been there for her during whatever had happened.

Before he knew it, he heard the final buzzer sound, and he looked out at the jumbotron to see that the Blackhawks had won four against two. He couldn’t have told you anyone that had scored or anything that had happened during those three periods.

Natalia stood up, looking over at Marty. “You ready?” she asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding his head. “Let’s go,” he added, grabbing her hand, leading her out of the box.

Twenty minutes later, Marty was unlocking his front door to his apartment. He led Natalia inside, throwing his keys on his table and leading her over to the couch, where they both sat down. Natalia brought her legs up on the couch, sitting Indian style, and she turned around so she was facing Marty.

“So,” Marty began, not wanting to rush her.

“Okay, so before I begin, you need to know that I haven’t told anyone this whole story except for my therapist. Not even my dad,” she added, and Marty didn’t know what to say. To have her trust him that much made him speechless. So, instead, he simply nodded his head and grabbed her hand, letting her know that he was going to be there for her no matter what.

Natalia took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “I guess I should start from the beginning,” she said, and Marty nodded his head. “Well, I joined the Army when I was eighteen. I figured it was an easy way to have my college paid for. Even though my parents could have easily paid for it, I just wanted to do it on my own. So, I decided to join the Army.”

She moved around, trying to get more comfortable on the couch. “I finished college, and I was supposed to stay in the Army until I was thirty, but then something happened,” she told him.

“Okay,” Marty said quietly, letting her know that he was still listening.

“They sent me overseas, over to Afghanistan, last year. I was supposed to be stationed over there for twelve months. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, and that was all for one reason: Tristan. Tristan was my boyfriend, who I had been dating for nearly a year before we both were sent over to Afghanistan. He was also in the Army, and we always worked closely together,” she explained, taking a breath.

Marty could tell that Tristan had meant a lot to her, and he wondered why she hadn’t mentioned him before. Maybe they had broken up?

“Everything was going well overseas for awhile,” Natalia continued. “We were in the war zone, but nothing too dangerous had happened to any of us yet. We had four more months to go. Actually, if I would have stayed, I would have been coming home next week,” she smiled. “Anyways, we had four more months to go. Tristan and I walked outside. I don’t even remember the reason why we went outside. But, we were suddenly surrounded by all these people that were all armed.”

“Oh my God!” Marty whispered.

“They took us hostage,” Natalia told him. “They told us that if either one of us would try to run away, they would capture both of us and kill us. So, we went with them, thinking that they weren’t going to do anything to us. They didn’t seem too bad, and if they didn’t have guns in their hands at all times, then I wouldn’t have even thought that they were the bad people,” she commented.

She took a breath, and Marty could see a few tears begin to form in her eyes. He knew she was getting to the bad part, and that she was going to have a hard time making it through everything. He squeezed her hand a little bit, saying, “Take your time.”

Natalia nodded her head, giving Marty a small smile before continuing. “We were with them for two days, and we didn’t know if or when they were going to let us go. Tristan came up with a plan to try to get us out of there. We had almost made it out when they caught us at the last moment. They asked us who had come up with the plan, and Tristan said it was him, not wanting them to do anything to me,” she said, her voice starting to sound strained.

“It’s okay,” Marty said, as he could see that she was trying to prevent the tears from falling down her cheeks.

“They took Tristan away, and about an hour later, they took me into this room where they were holding Tristan. One of the guys had a gun pressed up against Tristan’s chest. They told me that I had to watch what they were about to do, or they were planning on killing me. So, I watched as they shot him right in the chest,” she told him, the tears falling freely. “Marty, I watched as they killed him. I didn’t even do anything about it. I didn’t try to stop them or anything. I just watched,” she cried.

Marty leaned forward, scooping her up into his arms. “I am so sorry,” he whispered into her ear, trying to soothe her.

“If I could have just deferred them for two minutes, he would have been just fine, he wouldn’t have died,” Natalia told him. Marty gave her a confused look, and she explained. “They came to save us two minutes later. They shot Tristan, and I watched him bleed to death, not knowing what to do to save him. Then, right after he had died, some of our troops came in to rescue us. Marty, I could have saved him if I would have just done something!” she cried.

“Natalia, you couldn’t have done anything. How were you to know that they were coming to save you?” he asked. “What were you going to do? Try to save Tristan and then have the both of you die? That wouldn’t have been right. And, the way you talk about Tristan, it seemed like the two of you loved each other, right?” he asked, and Natalia nodded her head. “Well, then, he wouldn’t have wanted you to do that either. He would have wanted you to do exactly what you did, and make sure that you were okay.”

“Marty, I’m a terrible person,” Natalia cried, burying her head in his chest.

“No, you’re not,” Marty assured her, rubbing her back.

After a few minutes, the tears had stopped flowing as strongly, and Natalia pulled away. “So, that’s what happened. That’s why I have PTSD. I have nightmares all the time about it, about Tristan dying and being taken hostage and everything. And, then there’ll be just different things that will trigger the memories, and I’ll have a panic attack. That’s what happened that first day I met you,” she told him. “That guy that came into the box, he reminded me of one of the guys that had taken me hostage. I had to get out of there before I had a panic attack,” she explained.

“I understand,” Marty told her.

“Marty, I don’t deserve someone like you. You shouldn’t have to deal with all of this, me practically being crazy,” she said.

“Natalia, you’re not getting rid of me that easily. Like I’ve already told you, I enjoy your company, and I’ll be with you every step of the way,” he promised.

“I don’t deserve you, but I’m glad you’re in my life,” she smiled.

“I feel the exact same way about you,” he told her before pulling her against his chest, slowly rocking her back and forth while she calmed down and fell asleep.