This Empty Love

(PS- I made that banner up there, I’m so excited it looks good [in my opinion.] And just in case people ask, no, Oliver isn’t a lefty. I flipped the picture. I feel powerful ;] )
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Sitting on the edge of my bed, I held the half destroyed tape in my hands. I couldn’t believe it ended up like this, I couldn’t believe that I ruined one of my favorite memories. There had to be some way to to fix it, to get it working. I’d do anything to make it right.

Working with delicate fingers, I tried to wind the black tape back into the old cassette. It seemed impossible. There was no way that so many coils of film could fit back into such a limited space. Only moments later I gave up, realizing that with so much stuff piled into my mind, I couldn’t focus enough to work calmly. I’d only make it worse.

There was only one, major, subject in my thoughts at the moment: Taylor.

Everything about her. Her hair, her smile, her laugh, her kisses. We’d been through so much shit lately and there was still that yearning for her, no matter how much I hated her at the moment. It was like I couldn’t get over our past together.

I was hoping to be able to watch this tape and realize that our time together wasn’t actually all that great, that it could be replaced by someone else. I was just hoping that I could give myself that final push into convincing my mind. I knew convincing myself would never work, but I denied it.

There was no way I still wanted to be with her, right? After all the fighting, cheating, lying, betrayal, and mistakes, on both our parts, there was no love left, there couldn’t possibly be, right? I’d done so much to hurt her, more than I had let doc know - more than either of us had - and she’d done so much in return that I’m not sure either of us could completely forgive each other.

I was so set on convincing myself she couldn’t love me through all of this, and that I couldn’t either, that I ended up talking myself in a circle and coming up with the conclusion that I needed her now more than ever.

I thought for a long time. Maybe an hour or two passed while I sat on the edge of my bed, just staring down at my hands, yet not really looking at them. I’m not even sure I was actually thinking, just wallowing in tonight events. It was like a tape of tonight was in my head playing over and over again. The VHS player, the kiss, the small argument, repeat.

“Fuck.” I muttered to myself. Dropping my head into my hands, I gripped my skin tightly, hoping that maybe I was strong enough to crush my own head.

Looking back up, I let my hands drag grimly down my face before they fell back down to the mattress. I looked sideways, it was now nearly one in the morning. Standing, I walked over to the dresser in the room and stripped of my shirt and pants, replacing them with a pair of gym shots.

I looked up into the mirror, my tattooed reflection staring back, almost pathetically. One hand trailed down my chest lazily as I surveyed the poor condition of myself. Tired, pathetic, idiot, fuck up. That’s what the mirror screamed at me.

Not being able to take it anymore, I turned sharply and headed for the bedroom door. I ripped it open and slammed it shut before making my way down the hall. Up until I reached her door, my body language had been fierce, upset, even distraught. But now I was calm, gentle, as I slowly opened her door.

No light was visible inside the room, just how she liked it, but I knew she was positioned on the right side of the bed, laying on her side and facing the wall, just as she always was.

I carefully shut the door behind me, making sure it didn’t make any noise, before I walked towards the left side of the bed. I don’t know how long I stood on that side, contemplating in my head whether or not this was a good idea, before I actually made any attempt to lay down. I truthfully missed my bed.

It took me a good five minutes to carefully place myself on the matress, too scared that it would move and Taylor would wake up. My goal was to move slowly, try not to scare her awake. She has a bad habit of hitting when she’s startled.

I rolled over and stared at the outline of Taylor’s back, watching as her body rose and fell with each breath. I couldn’t fight the urge to creep closer to her body heat and soon my chest was only inches from her back.

Bringing up one arm, I ran a finger tip down her spine until I reached her waist. I finally laid my palm flat against the fabric of her shirt and slid my arm around her waist and to the front of her stomach, pulling her into me.

“Oliver?” Taylor’s voice asked, sounding groggy from waking up. Her tone was confused, not angry like I expected it to be.

I paused for a moment, just embracing the fact that she didn’t shove me away. “Yes.” I finally replied.

Taylor rolled onto her back, my arm fitting tighter around her stomach, and she looked at me. “What’re you doing?” She asked, looking over at me. I could barely make out her eyes in the darkness. Still, her voice didn't sound angry/

“I couldn’t sleep, I guess. I just... I needed to be ‘ere, I’ll leave if yeh want me to and-” I began to ramble, but Taylor raised her right arm up and covered my mouth.

“Stay.” She told me and moved her hand away from my mouth. Her fingers brushed over the skin of my lips and down my jaw before resting on her own stomach near my hand. “Please.”

&&

“What are you doing?” Taylor asked, giggling as she talked, and brought her hand up to cover the lens of the camera currently in my hand.

“What do yeh think I’m doin’?” I asked, zooming in on her smile and back out, “I’m video tapin’. S’not every day I get to show a gorgeous girl like yeh ‘round.”

She sighed and placed her hands on her hips. “Oli, I’ve been here like five times already. No need to film our “tour,” or whatever you’re calling this.” Taylor said, and again tried to cover the camera.

“Fine, yeh got me. I just want to tape your pretty face. Now lay off the snatching, I don’t want yeh ruining my baby.” I told her and kissed the camera lens. “Plus, yeh Americans have no sense of travel. When yeh go places, you’re s’posed to document it.”

“You’re impossible.” She told me, but stopped any further attempts to cover up my camera. “On with it, I guess.”

“Don’t I get a kiss or anythin’?” I asked, stretching out my arm with the camera to capture the shot of the kiss.

Taylor rolled her eyes and leaned forward, pecking my lips gently. “Good enough for you?” She asked. I shook my head and reached up with my free hand to cup her face before kissing her once more.

I lowered the camera as our tongues slipped together, knowing that if anyone else watched this, they wouldn’t want to see Taylor and I making out on the screen. She finally pushed me away from her and spun me around, making me walk in the direction of the park where we were going to have a picnic.

We walked an talked, our hands laced together, catching up on the last three months we hadn’t seen each other. Taylor had, just recently, turned eighteen - which meant it was now officially legal for me to have a relationship with her - and convinced her mom to let her fly to England as a birthday present. As if a Christmas holiday with me wasn’t enough, she was now spending two out of her three summer months with me also.

We were together in weird circumstances. When she was here, or I was there, we were, no doubt, a couple. But in the months apart, we weren’t really defined as anything. Since meeting, it’s been almost a year that we’ve known each other, yet there’s still so much I don’t know about her. One things for sure, she’d be the death of me; one of the few exceptions I’d make to loving someone.

Arriving at the park, I snapped out of my thoughts. “I had my mum pack you a piece of the Sheppard’s pie she made last night. Remembered you liked it last time,” I commented, sitting Taylor down next to me on a blanket. Luckily, the park was nearly empty. “I don’t know if it’s good, don’t eat meat.”

“I know you don’t.” She replied, smiling, “You only tell me all the time. But thanks for not caring that I’d pick a burger over veggies any day.”

Smiling, I leaned over and kissed her before turning my attention to the lunch I packed us. It was obvious she was surprised I set all this up. Never had I shown her my, slightly, romantic side before, and I didn’t know what’d she think of it.

“This is sweet Oli,” She told me. I was waiting for the “but” in her sentence, “But I’m waiting for the moment where you cut it short and try and take me home with you.”

I feigned being hurt. “Can’t believe you have such little faith in me.” I muttered and covered my heart with my hands, “This hurts my heart so much. But really, you’re coming home with me anyways. Unless you’re planning on staying in the streets on your holiday.”

“Of course I’m not.” She told me, a smirk forming on her lips. “I’d never pass up a chance to see Tom and sleep in his bed.”

I huffed, knowing she was joking, but disliking it none the less. Due to my mum’s respect for Taylor’s mum, and Taylor, we weren’t allowed to sleep in the same room, or in the same part of my house. So while I got to room with my brother, Taylor got Tom’s room all to herself.

“Lighten up Oliver.” She told me, poking me with fruit sticking to the end of her fork, “We both know you always end up sneaking into Tom’s room to cuddle anyways, so don’t pout or I’ll lock the door on you.”

“I don’talways sneak up Tom’s room, don’t be cocky.” I commented and lowered my head, stealing the food she had just rudely poked me with.

Taylor smiled and nodded. “Right,” She started to say, cute sarcasm dripping from her words, “I forgot, the times when you don’t sneak to Tom’s room, I always find myself sneaking down to yours. Oh, how could I have been mistaken?”