This Empty Love

“Nothin’ has changed.” I told my mum with a small smile while walking into my old bedroom.

Sure, the floor was cleaned and the bed was made, but all my posters, music, and clutter was still there. This was something I missed; organized chaos. Taylor often liked to have things more organized than not, so being in a room that was better off dirty was quite refreshing.

“Well ‘course it hasn’t.” She replied, smiling sweetly. “It’s late Oliver, get some rest and we’ll talk about everythin’ tomorrow, alright? I’ll even make yeh your veggie stir-fry.”

I nodded and told her goodnight before she shut my door and disappeared down the hall, leaving me to look around my room. I studied everything from my dusty telly, to the window, to my stacks of books and movies.

Finally, I let my eyes linger over my closet door. The left side and the lower right side were completely covered in pictures from parties, concert tickets, random shoe lace strings, stickers, band logos, and any other random shit you could think of.

The top of the right side was completely covered in all things dealing with Taylor and I; pictures, drawings, old notes, our handprints, and just about anything you could think of.

Collapsing onto my bed, I stared at the closet, remembering that the last time I was here in Sheffield and in this bed, Taylor was with me. I couldn’t help but miss her.

&&

“It’s just now hitting me how much I missed it here.” Taylor told me, closing the door behind her and setting her bags down near the bed. It was the first Christmas where we were together, officially engaged. “Your room is such chaos Oliver.”

“I know, but I like it.” I replied, falling onto the bed with my arms spread out and my legs hanging over the edge. I was staring straight up at the Linkin Park post I got when I was thirteen.

Ignoring my comment, Taylor bent down and started digging through her suitcase. I sat up just in time to watch her pull out a medium sized photo of the two of us and walk over to my closet. Using a few of the other photos to secure the corners, she slipped the new picture right near the center.

“There.” Taylor said, stepping back to admire the cheesy picture of us. “It’s the height of your band right now, and here’s the best reminder of me.”

“Yeh think my closet is the best reminder?” I asked. Leaning up, I reached out for her and grabbed onto her waist, tugging her to the edge of my bed in front of me. “This ring, the weddin’ date in May, and the fact I love yeh is the best reminder I could get.”

“You’re such a cheese ball sometimes.” Taylor informed me, leaning down nonetheless, and pressing her lips tight against mine. The spark that was there, even after all of our time together, was enough reminder for me. I didn’t need anything more.

“Will your mom cook for me in the morning?” She asked yawning, scooting onto the bed with me. I pulled her close and slipped under the blankets, fully clothed. “Because nothing beats your mom’s breakfast.”

I laughed and kissed into her hair, knowing she was tired. “Of course she will. Go to bed, love.” She simply nodded and nuzzled her head into the crease of my neck. Once her breathing became steady, I held tighter. “I love yeh.”

&&

My bed was too empty, and the memories of her and me wouldn’t stop. My room just held too much of our past to let me sleep peacefully. So I rolled over and pressed my eyes shut, wishing the pillow next to me would turn into her warm body, despite all that I had said.

With no luck sleeping, I knew what I had to do. I picked up my phone from the bedside table and texted Taylor. I’m home, I’m safe. Goodnight.

The following day, I awoke around noon and headed downstairs and straight into the kitchen. Mum was already in full cooking mode while my dad leaned on the counter near her. They were talking quietly, and both turned to face me when I dragged sleepily into the room.

My mum gave me her all knowing look, and my dad shot me his sympathy eyes. I didn’t need it, but I embraced it. I decided today, while snacking on a muffin my mum had sitting out, that I would try to tell them everything. Not details, but the major things. Start to finish.

Five minutes into lunch and all I could do was pick at the food in front of me and take small bites. My appetite was gone, along with my marriage, and the thought of food was making me sick. My mum, always quick to notice these things, reached across the table and set her hand on my forearm.

“Why don’t yeh talk about things, Oliver.” She asked, patting my arm. “Might do yeh good. Your father and I are ‘ere for yeh, we’ll try to help.”

Nodding, I set my elbows on the table top and linked both of my hands together. “I think I’ve ruined everythin’.” I admitted to my parents, looking ashamed. “My relationship with Taylor, our marriage, everythin’.”

“Oli, honey, I doubt it’s as bad as you’re thinkin’. You two probably just need to -” I shook my head back and forth, cutting her off.

“No, Mum, it’s worse than just a fight. This has been goin’ on for months, maybe four or five or more.” They seemed surprised at what I revealed, but it would only get worse the more I confessed. “We’ve been goin’ to therapy for a while, and took a break from that to clear out heads. But even worse, I cheated on her, and damn I’m so ashamed. And then yesterday, I said so much stuff I shouldn’t ‘ave, things I didn’t mean.”

“Like what?” My dad asked cautiously. Him and my mum were exchanging the same looks of surprise. They knew our marriage was struggling, but not this bad.

Leaned forward, I let my head fall into my hands and my eyes closed. I knew I should tell them, but it was going to be hard. “I told her that I didn’t want to fix things, not our marriage or anythin’.” I began to choke on my words, feeling like I might cry again. I hated showing weakness. “I - I told her that I didn’t love her anymore.”

“Oh Oli…” My mother sounded, to say the least, disappointed. I hated hearing her that way, it only made things worse. “What made yeh cheat, and say those things? How was her reaction?”

This was way worse than Dr. Owens, in every single aspect.

I shook my head, honestly not knowing. “I dunno. We were stugglin’ at the point in time, and I was lonely and drunk and complete douche bag. Taylor’s response was to cheat on me back, and it only made things worse, of course. It was my defense.”

My dad made a noise like he was thinking, and leaned on the table. I knew this was the last thing he wanted to see; his first son’s marriage going up in flames. “Oliver, your mum and I ‘ave been together for almost twenty-six years now, and without low moments, we wouldn’t be strong. ‘Course, we were never this bad, but yeh need to realize that love and marriage aren’t easy. Yeh can’t fix things by cheatin’, lyin’, or runnin’ from your problems. The whole point of bein’ married, is finding the one person who is willin’ to struggle with yeh.”