This Empty Love

“Taylor, you’re a wreck.” My sister told me while waking me. It was the day after I arrived in Washington, and I still had puffy eyes and ghost skin.

Nodding, I ran my fingers through my tangled hair and glanced towards Ashley. “I can’t help it.” I croaked out.

“Let’s talk today, okay? You can tell me anything, you know I’m here for you.” She replied, sitting on the edge of my bed. Her white blouse was perfectly pressed and together; like she was, like I wasn’t. “I took today off work, also.”

Again, I nodded. I didn’t feel like talking. My throat was too dry, my voice was too hoarse, and I knew I might just fall apart. Ashley seemed to understand, because she got up off the bed, pointed towards the dresser, which had a towel placed on top, before she left the room.

Taking a shower was a simple task. What wasn’t, was controlling my thoughts. Oliver, Oliver, Oliver. I couldn’t help it. The towel was nearly the same color as his eyes, the soap the same scent that he used. Why couldn’t I stop myself from noticing these things?

Once finished and dressed, I stood in front of the mirror and stared myself in the eyes. They were grey, not my usual brown, but maybe the tears were causing my vision to give way. I had dark bags under my eyes, making my pale skin seem even whiter, and my lips were a dull, un-tasteful pink. Ash was right, I was a wreck.

I decided that I needed to talk to her, now. Even if she had different opinions, she was still my sister and had better advice to give me than anyone else. She had, in fact, been married for 6 years and counting.

I found her in the kitchen, sitting at the counter sipping on coffee with the comic section of the newspaper in front of her. I smiled, barely, and sat on a stool next to her, making my presence known. Glancing at me, Ashley set down her coffee mug and swiveled to face me.

“So, start from the beginning?” She asked, jumping right into the important things. I love that about her.

“Yes.” I replied, giving her a run down on what had been going on. I concluded it with a, “He cheated on me.”

“What a prick!” Her voice was loud, almost too angry. She kept muttering curses under her breath, that is, until I interrupted her.

“I cheated too, you know.” I confessed. Obviously, I didn’t sound very proud of myself. And if I didn’t feel bad enough already, the look Ashley gave me made it much worse. “Don’t look at me like that, please. It was stupid, I know, but the last thing I need is you to react that way.”

She nodded, looking skeptical. “So you cheated because he cheated?” She asked. I nodded, she nodded. “What else has gone wrong?”

“He’s decided he doesn’t love me anymore.” I replied, attempting not to choke on my words. A few stray tears slipped out the edges of my eyes, trailing down my face before I wiped them away.

Ash seem dumbfounded for a moment. She obviously didn’t know what to tell me in this situation, and I knew she would end up throwing random pieces of advice together. “Listen, Taylor, you can’t just stop loving someone. It’s impossible. You don’t just wake up one day and change your mind. It just sounds as if he’s trying to convince himself.”

Despite the beacon of hope that Ashley was obviously attempting to give me, I couldn’t help but think she was wrong. As much as I wanted her to be right, was she really?

A sigh of defeat passed through my lips as I leaned over and melted against the counter top. The tile was cool in contrast to my hot, teary eyes, but it was no match to stop the wave of emotion that was washing over me. I was sobbing, almost uncontrollably at the though of Oliver convincing himself that he didn’t love me.

“Oh, Taylor.” Ashley muttered, almost silently. She stood up and leaned over to me, pulling me by the shoulders off the counter and towards her.

The pattern of my breathing was offset and I felt as though my throat was closing up. “I love him so much.” I choked out, nearly sputtering over my words. I was a teary, sobbing, shaking, pathetic mess. If only Oliver could see me now.

“Taylor, do you remember you wedding day? Do you remember all the questions you had for Mom?” Ashley asked. She loosened her arms around me and stepped away from the embrace. “Do you remember everything she told me, how you ignored me? God, I was so bitter towards you back then.”

&&

“Mom, I’m scared.” I confessed to my mother. She was currently standing behind me, lacing up the back of my wedding dress.

We were in a meeting room turned dressing room, with all the bridesmaids, before the wedding. The room was at the hotel in England, right next to where Oliver and I were getting married. The hotel was old, almost castle like, positioned in a place only imagined in books and movies. Rolling green hills accented with large, gracious trees and bright blue skies. Oliver’s mom gave me the idea of the place one day, while it was just her and me at the Sykes’ residence. Since then, it stuck.

She stopped, halfway up my back, and leaned forward, peeking her head over my shoulder. “Scared of what, sweetie?” She asked gently.

Despite being constricted by the dress, I took in a deep breath before letting it out. “Getting married.”

“Having seconds thoughts, getting cold feet?” Ashley asked turning away from a side table in the changing room, spinning my lacey guarder around her finger. She approached me, “Stick out your leg, cold foot and all.”

“Not exactly.” I replied, holding back the glares I had saved for my sister. “I’m just worried. Like, how do I know if this will turn out okay? I know I’m young, and that’s why I’m scared of this. What if, we went too fast? What if he’s notthe one?”

“Taylor, I thought the exact same thing before I walked down the aisle with your dad.” My mom started to tell me. She began to tie up my dress again. “And the truth is, you won’t know until you take the risk of marrying Oliver. It’s so different than dating, that no one knows if it will truly work or not. You just have to take that risk, make that leap, and hope for the best.”

I sucked in my stomach, allowing the dress to squeeze me tight. At the moment, I was in no position to reply, so she kept on talking. “It won’t be easy, at all. You just have to realize that marriage will always be full of bliss and sorrow, love and disagreement. Always.”

“Mom’s right.” Ashley agreed. She lowered herself to the floor in front of me and started to slip the guarder up my leg. Once done, she stood up, facing me. “I may not like the decision you’re making to marry so young, but I’m still here to help you. From my married experience, I know that compromise is the only thing that’s made this last so long.”

I nodded, still deprived of enough air. A few quiet moments later, my mother finished lacing my dress. She stepped around me and stood next to my sister, both gazing at me. My mom was teary.

“Oh honey, you look so beautiful.” She gushed, stepping forward and hugging me carefully. She pulled back, placing her hand on the side of my face. “You’re such a gorgeous bride, Oliver is very lucky to have you.”

I nodded, trying to repress tears of happiness. The last thing I wanted was to ruin my make-up with only an hour and half before the wedding.

The bridesmaids were ready and dressed in their mid calf length, burgundy colored dresses. They were halters with cream white colored straps, and a strip of the same colored fabric hitting each girl right under their busts. I had three bridesmaids; my sister, Cara, and my younger cousion Gillian. They were fixing their make-up, allowing my mother, my sister, and I to have a heart-to-heart moment.

“Listen to your heart, Taylor, as cliché as it is.” My mother told me, “Even if you hit a rough patch along the way, you need to think of here and now, what you think is best.”

&&

“Are you suggesting I need to go see our parents?” I asked Ashley. She gave a faint smile and nodded. “They’d be so ashamed of me.”

Ashley shook her head. “No, they won’t, and you know it.” She replied. “But you need Mom right now, both of us know that my advice only goes eight years deep. Mom and Dad’s goes nearly thirty.”

I hadn’t talked to either my mom nor my dad in over a month, maybe more. Not only had stress made me lose contact, but they knew nothing about the current predicament at hand, or the pending divorce. I had no idea how they would react to all of this.

“It’s about a thirty mile drive to Shoreline, you up for the drive today?” Ashley asked.

Whether or not I said no, I knew that I would soon be in Shoreline, Washington with my parents. In the hour it would take to reach their home - I would say my home, but they moved here after I was married, therefore it was in no way connected to me - I would have to figure out exactly how to break all this news to them. In a way, I wondered if Oliver was having better luck with his family.