This Empty Love

“It’s cold,” I muttered into my hands. My warm breath touched my skin but it wasn’t enough to keep out London’s cold, October air.

Oliver was walking next to me, and looking much warmer than I was. His black pea coat was buttoned to his neck, still allowing his rose tattoo to peak through, and his messy hair was pinned down by a plain, black beanie. I, on the other hand, was only in a simple black jacket accompanied by a thin scarf and sweater. Obviously, I had become too accustomed to the nice weather of California. He looked down at me from my right side as I spoke. My teeth chattered lightly while I stared back.

Currently, the two of us were walking along the Waterloo Millennium Pier near the top of the Jubilee Gardens. It was like a flat plane of grass, which on a cold day didn’t have many people scattered around on it.

Oliver paused near a lamppost and faced me. He slipped his tattooed hands out of his coat and held them towards me. I smiled softly, removed my hands from my chattering teeth, and moved them to meet his. He took both my hands between his palms and almost instantly, the heat of his skin met mine. We stayed like that for a moment, with out eyes and hands connected, before Oli moved our joined skin up to his mouth. He breathed lightly, letting the warmth continue to spread over me, before he kissed my palm sweetly and smiled at me. He linked our fingers together and turned to keep on walking.

“Yeh want to go up?” he asked suddenly, looking at me again. I stared back, confused. He looked from me to a location ahead of us. My eyes followed until I caught onto the unmistakable view of the London Eye. “So, what do yeh say?”

“I’d love to,” I smiled back. Not being scared of heights at all, I let Oli guide me towards the over-sized Ferris wheel resting over the River Thames.

In no time, we entered the small gondola by ourselves. Oliver sat down on the small bench seat lining the sides and I sat next to him. Casually, his arm moved over my shoulders and kept me close. It felt normal, so I slid closer to him and snuggled into his side. This was definitely a change from the day, weeks, and months before.

Half way up, with our gondola now perched at the top of the wheel; the London Eye stopped and gave us a spectacular view of the surrounding city. I was captivated with the sight until I felt Oliver nuzzle his head into the crook of my neck. I smiled and turned to look at him. We watched each other for a moment – him through his dark lashes and me through my bangs – until I just couldn’t stand it anymore.

I leaned my head up, shutting my eyes in the same movement, and pressed my lips to his. I felt him smirk against my skin before responding. His lips traced mine softly for a good minute, just moving slowly along mine in a collage of little kisses. It wasn’t until I licked his bottom lip, urging him to open his mouth, that the kiss became heated.

Butterflies erupted in my stomach as my skin prickled with those good goose bumps and my mind raced. The feeling was just like how things used to be, just like how everything was when we were still dating. It was what I wanted. Oliver had those perfect lips. They were smooth and pink and what I wanted my lips attached to for the rest of my life—he was what I planned to be attached to for the rest of my life.

I don’t know how much time passed between the initial kiss and the desperate make out it led to, but sooner that either of us would have liked, the ferris wheel jerked into motion. We separated and I closed my eyes, panting hard and feeling flustered.

Neither of us talked after that. There was a silence, but it was comfortable. Even after we exited the London Eye and made our way back to the hotel room, there was nothing more than meaningless, two word sentences thrown between us. We also didn’t kiss after that, even though I wanted to. Instead of thinking about tackling him back onto the hotel bed and having my way with him, I busied myself, collected all my belongings, and tossed them into my bag. We were leaving back to Sheffield, hopefully before it became dark outside.

“Are yeh ready?” Oli asked, lugging his bag up onto his shoulder. I nodded and watched while he grabbed my bag and motioned for me to open the door for him, “Then let’s go.”

The car was small, like most in England. Despite not wanting to be stuck in the poor excuse for a vehicle, I slid into the passenger seat and waited for Oliver. I didn’t know how long it would take to get home, it would probably be in the early hours of the morning. All we’d needed to do was beat out the weather.

I dozed off for a bit and woke up to Oliver pulling off to the side of the road. Rain was pounding down onto the windshield, and the wipers were having a tough time keeping up. I stretched, waking myself up, and looked over to Oli. “What’s going on? Where are we?”

“I dunno if I can drive in this rain,” he admitted. “We’re on the outskirts of Northampton.”

“We can’t stop now, we haven’t even reached the line where Birmingham is. Sheffield won’t take too long to get to. Maybe two hours.”

“More like three or four in this weather. If yeh don’t want to stop, be my guest and drive,” Oliver protested.

I groaned and rolled my eyes. “It’s letting up a little. Can we just try to make it to Leicester?”

Oliver sighed and put the car back into drive, giving in. He pulled back onto the main road and kept quiet. I could feel a small fight brewing in the air. It was unneeded tension that I didn’t want to bring up. Glancing over at Oliver, I realized just how tense he was. His knuckles were nearly white on the steering wheel and his face was concentrated. I could tell the weather was making him uneasy, and I began to feel guilty.

“Oli, we can stop if you really want to.” I spoke softly, trying to lighten the mood.

“No, yeh wanted to keep goin’ so we will,” he replied. I found myself rolling my eyes again. He was going to be difficult.

“I know, but you’re right, the weather is getting worse.”

“Oh, really, I thought it was letting up?” he said, mimicking me. We snapped back and forth at each other, our voices rose with our tempers. The weather outside definitely wasn't helping.

“Why are you speeding up?” I shrieked, noticing the car was moving faster over the rain soaked ground. “Slow the fuck down, please.”

Instead of just slowing down, Oliver hit the breaks and veered off to the side of the road. The car slipped on the pavement and skidded to a halt right before the back, passenger side hit a tree. I was breathing fast with my eyes wide and I stared at Oliver. He looked disheveled.

“What is going on?” I asked soft and tried to compose myself. My heartbeat was out of control from the adrenalin rush of the car, “We were fine earlier.”

“Were we? Or was it just spur of the moment like back home, when we had sex? What’s fine for us anymore?”

I gawked at him, completely confused. “I thought we were past that. Where is this coming from? Will you just fucking speak your mind for once, please? I’m honestly sick and tired of this tension and—”

“I love yeh,” Oliver blurted, interrupting my part of the argument. “Okay, I said it. I fuckin’ love yeh and I miss yeh. I miss how we used to be. I don’t want to end this crazy marriage, I don’t even want to start over. I just want to brush off the past and keep going.”