This Empty Love

Dr. Owens' final advice rang through my mind the whole drive home. I couldn’t quite figure out how I was going to do this late apology. How do you, five years later, bring up tough memories from the past and just apologize. It’s not like I never apologized before, which also makes me wonder how this will help us at all.

I took the long way home so that I could prepare what I was going to say. It was a waist of time. I knew that the moment I started talking to Oliver, everything I planned would fly out the window. But I knew that something was better than nothing.

The fact that I was still livid from last night was going to make this all ten times harder. For once though, I was being the bigger person and sucking up my feelings so that we could talk. From this moment on, I was going to try and forget the lyrics from that song.

“Oliver, you home?” I asked once I walked into the house.

I was first greeted by Milton, who ran small circles around me before sitting on the ground and staring up at me. I looked own at him and smiled, “Hey boy. Where’s Oli?”

Milton instantly rose to his feet again and skidded out of the entry way and into the living room. I followed slowly, slightly scared for what was to come.

When I walked into the living room, I was greeted with the picture of Oliver lounging across the couch and Milton sitting on the floor beside him. Half a year ago, the picture would probably include me cuddled up on the couch in Oliver’s embrace.

“Hey.” I breathe quietly, trying not to make too much noise. I wanted him to figure out the fact that I was still mad, but willing to talk. He could, usually, figure out the small things on my mind.

Oliver sat up on the couch and started to chew on one of his lip rings. “Hey.” His voice was almost a replica of mine.

“I just got back from seeing Dr. Owens.” I informed him, motioning behind me, as if the doctors office was just in the other room. “There’s some stuff that was brought up, that I kind of wanted to discuss.”

“Yeah, sure.” He replied, rubbing his palms on fabric of his jeans. He sat up an made room for me on the couch, “So what’s it about?”

“All the stuff from a few years back.” I replied. It wasn’t my first choice to spit the word addiction out there, that would make things a bit tense.

“Oh.” Was all he managed to say, his voice dragging out. Now it was up to me to continue this.

“I just wanted to see if there were any unresolved feelings about it, or whatever.” I rambled uneasily, “I just figured we should finally get it out of the way. Sometimes I think you still hold it to me.”

“Tay, that was such a long time ago, why do yeh want to bring this all back up again?” He groaned but didn’t avoid the subject, “O’course I still have unresolved feelings about it, but I don’t hold it against yeh, that would be pointless.”

Finally, I sat down on the couch next to him, being sure to leave a good amount of distance between us. “Care to elaborate? I get the feeling this could help.” I mumbled, trying to explain myself.

“I don’t know. Gah, Taylor this is from nearly, what, five years ago?” He asked, rubbing the side of his face and jaw. “I guess I’m just bitter that you always relied on other things for support, like the pills, instead of me. Yeh never wanted to, and yeh still don’t, ever let me in.”

“I don’t think that’s true.” I retorted, getting defensive instantly. Realizing, I lowered my voice, “I mean I do rely on other things, but I never shut you out. Plus, it wasn’t like you were an open book either.”

Oliver continued to nibble on his piercing, making his lips slightly red. I can’t even remember the last time I kissed him, and watching his lips wasn’t helping my urge to stop this conversation with a kiss. Though to me it was a good idea, to him it would probably be torture.

“I didn’t want yeh to be an open book.” Oliver mumbled, also becoming slightly defensive, “But I wanted yeh to mean it when yeh said yeh trusted me and loved me. I could never tell when yeh really were being genuine or not.”

“You should know that I was beyond genuine.” I snapped, glaring at him as our eyes met, “It took me almost a year to tell you I loved you. That was one of the most difficult things ever done, and for you to think I wasn’t genuine just makes this worse. I’m sorry I brought any of this up.”

I started to stand up, my mind set on making my way out of the room before he could reply. I didn’t make it.

“Ah no yeh don’t.” Oliver said, standing up after me. He reached out and lightly grabbed my arm, keeping me in place. “Yeh brought this up, we’re finishin’ the conversation. I’m tellin’ yeh the truth, and I’m sorry if yeh don’t want to hear it. Yeh have trust issues, and that’s fine, but we’re married, Tay, you should at least trust me.”

“Oh, excuse me.” I replied sarcastically, “Last time I checked I was the only one who still wanted to be married. And last time I checked, it was you who filed for divorce. You, lately, have been willing to just throw what we have away and stomp around on my feelings. How am I supposed to trust you when you do this to me?”

He let go over my arm and watched me as I stepped back a little. Oliver looked like I just slapped him across the face. Without waiting for his response I turned and ran out of the room, Milton on my heels. Note to self, stop listening to Dr. Owens’s advice on brining up the past.