Spanish Lullabies.

I woke the next morning, still against the counter. The skin on my face was plastered with dry tears. I had a headache that pounded in my temples and made my whole body hurt. I was hurt. I was numbed.

Was Javier still sleeping? I couldn’t help but wonder. Would he feel better today, or worse? I hoped he felt better about everything, but I knew chances of that were weak.

Carefully, I pulled myself up off the floor. I surveyed the house from what I could see from the open kitchen. I felt slightly uplifted when I realised I wouldn’t have to clean the main areas for at least another day.

I poured myself a cup of water and walked off toward the bathroom. My bedroom door was jammed shut still, so I knew Javier hadn’t moved. I listened to the pop of the tablet casings as I removed two aspirins and swallowed them with water. I was ignoring the mirror. I didn’t want to see myself right now. I was afraid.

I left the bathroom and quietly went into my bedroom. Javier was asleep in my bed, so with out making a sound I removed fresh underwear and clothes from my drawers and went back into the bathroom. This time I didn’t avoid it, I looked into the glass of the mirror and cringed when I saw my reflection.

I looked as though I had aged one hundred years. My skin was droopy and purple and pale. My hair was stringy and oily and my eyes were blood shot. I felt more tears prick at my eyes. Out of no where a wave of nausea hit me and I was bending over the toilet, emptying my already empty stomach.

What was wrong with me now?

I heard the door open from behind me. Tears were flowing down my cheeks now, and my throat was raw and burning. I fell back onto the tiles and closed my eyes.

“Oceane.” I heard Javier’s voice say from the doorway. “Are you alright?”

I couldn’t respond, I just started crying harder. It was then that I felt Javier’s arms encircle my limp body, holding me tight as I began to shiver. Javier’s chest was bare, and all he was wearing were his boxer shorts, but the small heat from his skin helped.

“Are you alright?” I whispered, my eyes opening as I looked up from his chest and into his eyes. I sat up on my knees and hugged him as he nodded.

“You’re not.” I said.

“I’m fine.” He said.

“Stop looking after me,” I said, “I know you’re not fine.”

He kissed me on my damp cheek and helped me up from the floor.

“I’m having a shower.” I told him, sliding my shirt over my head.

“Okay.” Javier said, kissing my cheek again before he left. “I’ll see you soon.”

I smiled as I turned on the water and removed the rest of my clothing. I washed my hair, my face, the rest of my body. I shaved my legs and underarms and once I got out I moisturised and got changed into fresh clothing after I blow-dried my hair. I emerged from the bathroom about forty minutes later, feeling as though I could manage this eventually.

Javier was sitting down on the couch in the living room, and he exhaled when he saw me.

“Finally.” He said, standing up and walking past me into the bathroom himself.

I waited for ten minutes until Javier came out of the bathroom, smiling at his ruffled black hair. I placed the two glasses of juice and plates of toast I had made for him and I on the table in the lounge room, sitting on the couch and waiting for him to join me. When he did I wrapped my arms around him, breathing in his scent, and once again feeling like I could take this whole situation on.

“We have to talk.” Javier said, his voice tight and serious as he gently pushed me away from him.

Worried, I sat back against the back of the couch and sipped my juice cautiously, wondering what he was going to say.

“About what?” I asked, my voice shaking slightly.

“This whole… problem.”

I realised what he meant, and I tensed up as I looked into his eyes.

“I think it’s a good thing.” I said eventually. Javier turned to me and stared at me as if I’d lost my mind.

“How could it possibly be a good thing?”

“Think about it!” I cried. “We’re alone living here. We can do whatever we want. We have money and a home and just each other. There’s nothing else to worry about.”

“What about your pregnancy?” Javier said suddenly, his voice tight.

“We don’t even know…” my voice trailed off as I became consumed with worry.

“You threw up this morning, Oceane.”

I swallowed hard as everything began to make sense.

“That doesn’t mean I am.”

Javier sighed and ran his hands through his wet hair, holding his head in his lap.

“Please, stop trying to avoid it.” He said eventually. “If you are, we need to have some sort of plan.”

I started to feel angry with him for ruining my happiness. Couldn’t he see that we didn’t have any clue whether or not I was pregnant? What did it matter anyway?

“You were the one who said last night that we have to stop worrying…”

“That was last night,” he spat. “In case you haven’t noticed, Oceane, a lot has changed since then.”

“Hey, can we cut back the bitterness, please?” I asked, moving closer to Javier on the couch and stroking his cheek. “What’s wrong?”

“You know what’s wrong!” He cried, standing up from the couch and walking away from me.

I got up and followed him, consumed by utter confusion. How could his mood have changed so quickly? Why was he so frustrated at me? It wasn’t purely my fault that any of this had happened, was it? I understood his anger, but he didn’t need to direct it at me. I wasn’t going to fuel the situation any further by erupting at him also, because I knew that right now he needed someone to care for him. I knew that under the anger, he was really, really upset.

I followed him into our bedroom. I stood by the door as he stood by the bed, his back to me.

“Javier, please don’t shut me out.” I said quietly.

He turned around, glaring at me.

“What are you talking about?” He said bitterly. “You have no idea what’s going on here. You are incapable of thinking of the future. All you care about is your fucking dancing!”

“That’s not true.” I said. “I care about you.”

He snorted in disgust.

“Yeah, right, until the next issue arises and you bail.”

I tried to ignore his words. I was still confused at the way he was acting, and the things he was bringing up. I knew he was just angry and upset about us being abandoned, but couldn’t he see it could possibly be a good thing? I swallowed and tried to remain calm as I replied.

“Javier.” I said. “I won’t leave you.”

His eyes flickered as they met mine. I kept his gaze. I knew why he was getting so angry with me. He was afraid I would leave him too, just like everyone else, so he was trying to hurt me to prove I would leave. Well, I wouldn’t. I was all he had left and I wouldn’t do that to him, especially not now.

“I won’t.” I repeated.

He turned away from me and stared out the window. I felt like I should let him think alone for a while.

“I’m going to leave you alone for a while so you can clear your thoughts and think about what you’re saying.” I said. “But I’m staying here, in our home.”

He didn’t move or flinch or show any signs of movement that told me he heard what I had said to him. I walked out the room and closed the door behind me.

I paced around my home, breathing heavily, trying to not cry. Tears pricked at my eyes but I did not allow them to fall. I just wanted to see Javier back to normal. I would settle for him not hating me. I wanted to hold him and to make his problems and anger disappear, but I knew it didn’t work like that.

I sat down on one of the hard kitchen chairs, staring at the clock as it ticked closer and closer toward nighttime. We had woken up at around midday, and everything had gone so quickly. I sighed and rested my head on the counter top. If only Javier would talk to me. I didn’t want to make him any angrier, so I had given him space, and it had been ages since then. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I went back into my bedroom and saw him lying on the bed, his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling in sync. I smiled. He looked so cute and innocent.

I felt overwhelmingly tired, so I walked over there and climbed on the other side of the bed, wrapping my arms around Javier’s body and resting my head on his chest. His arms were reaching up onto the pillow, resting under his head, and I felt him move them around my waist. I knew I had been forgiven.

“I’m sorry Oceane.” He said. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I whispered, burying myself further into his body.

I felt him sigh happily beneath me, and I closed my eyes, my breathing matching his as we both fell into a deep, happy sleep.