Beneath the Soul

I was in too much of a haze to be surprised that I eventually ended up at my grandmother's cottage that was near the lake.

I walked slowly from the car to the front door, which was quite hard. I had to try not to fall to the ground in hysterics. Each step closer was more difficult to take. Being here again brought back so many memories from my childhood; which I didn't want--or should I say need?--right now. This place was throwing them at my face. It was getting hard to breath.

I only knocked twice when Grandma opened the door. She didn't open it with a huge smile on her face; she was smarter than that. She knew something was wrong. It was as if she could taste it in the atmosphere.

"Oh, Katie," she crooned with a devastated look on her face when she caught sight of me. She pulled me into her arms right away. I knew what she had seen on my face when she looked at me. She saw a heart shaped face with red stained cheeks that were coated with moisture. The blue eyes above the small nose with the freckles on it were thick with tears; they wore a mask of pain in them.

All in all, my face was nothing pretty to look at when it was in this stage of grief.

And when I saw Grandmother's face, I saw Benjamin. I couldn't help but break down into uncontrollable sobbing.

Grandma pulled me into her house and closed the door. She sat me down on the couch in the living room on her lap. "Tell me what's wrong," she said but sounded like she already had an idea of what it was; I never cried like this before. Never.

And so even though it was close to impossible, I tried to review the last couple hours of my life and explain what happened. She listened silently and solemnly while I struggled with details she needed to know.

I ended with telling her that I felt that the world just seemed so dark and cold now. And even foggy.

It was strange. Throughout my story my grandma just nodded in understanding and sadness, but when I mentioned that last part, her eyes flashed and became alert. Her jaw set and I couldn't understand why.

"Grandma," I said while my stomach twisted with pain, "I don't know what I'm going to do."

She padded my back. "I know how you feel, dear," she murmured. "But this is what the demons wanted. Can't you see? They want you to feel empty and useless to yourself."

My back stiffened and I moved away from her. "What?"

She just looked at me with her wise face.

"Stop that," I scolded her and stood up.

"Stop what?" Her eyes were innocent but I could guess that she already knew what I meant.

"Stop all that demon nonsense. You don't even know what you're talking about."

"Katie," she started but I cut her off.

"All my life you've been telling me stories about demons that aren't even true! I wanted to hear them only because they were entertaining to me. But I can't believe that even now, after my brother has just died and I need comfort, you still will never quit it with those lies!" I was breathing hard by the time I finished talking and more tears threatened to spill over.

There was a pause as Grandma thought for a moment. Then she said quietly, "Kathleen Evangeline Clare, do you really think I would lie to you?"

I didn't know how to answer. I knew that when she used my full name--which she had only done so a total of three times in my life--she was dead serious and completely honest.

She got off the couch and put her hands on my shoulders. "I only mean to warn you."

I shook her off. "Of what? Did you know this would happen to Ben?" My throat burned as I said his name.

"No," she said. "No, I did not. And neither did you."

"Then what are you talking about, Grandma?" I knew I shouldn't have been so rude, but my patience was starting to run thin.

"Do you remember the story I told you where--"

"There you go again! Back with the stories!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. I decided if Grandma wasn't going to comfort me, then I was just wasting time. "I'll call you when I get home," I muttered on my way out the door. I slammed it shut behind me and stormed to my car.