You Clicked Your Heels and Wished for Me

I can’t lie, I’m pretty shit faced right now. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many shots I’ve taken, how many beers I’ve had, or how many hits from some guy named Jason’s bowl I’ve had. Alex and I went to a good friend of ours party tonight. I have no idea how I’m getting home, or how I’m getting Alex home tonight, but at this point, I’m feeling too good to care. The room is spinning, but not in a “holy shit I’m about to puke” way, just in the “I feel like I’m floating” way. I have no doubt in my mind that tomorrow I will feel like I got hit in the head with an ax, but who cares.

I can tell I need to stop drinking, because the more I see Alex, the more I want to walk up to him and just part his lips with my tongue and taste him. I guess that’s something that alcohol does to me, but to add the weed too, I’m hornier than ever right now, and Alex is doing that cute adorable thing he does. Existing. I can’t say that I’ve never been more attracted to him right now, because it would be a lie. Seeing him asleep on my bed and breathing so shallow is so much cuter than seeing him stumble on air, and smelling his breath of vodka and mint gum. What a disgusting combination. I guess Alex thinks the gum will cover up the fact that he’s drunker than I am when he gets home.

I see Alex talking to a group of people, and I go into the kitchen for another drink. I sure don’t need one, but I know there’s a girl in the group of people talking to Alex that is all over him. Her name is Ellie, she’s new here, and I already have a horrible impression of her. I guess that has something to do with the fact that this semester in school, I have nothing with Alex. Not lunch, no classes, nothing, and she gets it all. She gets to be with him every day, all day, and takes advantage of that on a regular basis. She is attached to his hip now. Jealousy is something I’m not used to, I’ve never wanted anyone like Alex, and I’ve still not accepted that I will never have him. Seeing someone who can have him a lot easier than I could cuts me up, pours salt on the wound, and makes me want to get fucking drunker than I already am.

I find Jason who is packing another bowl, he lights it and takes a few hits before handing it to me. I need this. I need something to take my mind off of Ellie and Alex. I take in a hit, let the smoke hit the back of my throat, and feel the burning sensation. I hold it for a while before letting it out and doing it again. I pass it back to Jason and walk back into the living room where I see Ellie’s arms around Alex. He looks uncomfortable, but not in the way that he looks like he wants out of her embrace. You can look at the two and know how drunk they are. I sit down and I kind of doze out of it for a second, maybe it’s the drugs and the alcohol combining, I’m not really sure. When I come back to, I don’t see Alex anymore. And I don’t see Ellie. I can feel my heart start to pound, and I give in. I want to go home, I can’t take this anymore. I’m too drunk for my own good, and I suppose I’ll be walking, I don’t think I’d even make it a block in my car.

I ask someone if they’d seen Alex, and they tell me he looked sick and went into the bathroom on the second floor of the house. I get a little nervous, maybe he’s really sick. He did drink a lot more than he normally can handle tonight. I go upstairs, and I knock lightly. No one answered; I just heard a groan from inside, thinking that Alex was really sick, I just open the door. I see Ellie on her knees in front of Alex’s tight black pants around his knees, and Alex’s head leaned back. Alex looks up from hearing the door open, and his eyes shoot open wider, “B-“ I slammed the fucking door so hard that everyone downstairs and the couples fucking in the next set of rooms probably heard it over the music blaring.

I can feel the tears stream. I grab my hoodie from downstairs, and I start my walk home. Fuck Alex. And fuck the whore giving him head. Fuck being gay, and fuck ever seeing Alex again. I can’t help but puke on the street as I walk home. I guess being drunk, high, and your heart ripping to shreds will do that to you.