You Clicked Your Heels and Wished for Me
The ink is running toward the page, it’s chasing off the days
I don’t think anyone knows what I’m going through right now, just how I’m feeling. I know that’s complete nonsense, people have gone through much worse in their lives than what I’m going through, but to me, this is the first time my heart has been put on the line. I’ve never felt so heavy for someone before. I knew there was no chance with me and Alex, and I guess I’m overreacting now. I can’t expect him to fall in love with me in return.
I’ve always heard people say, “You can’t force someone love you.” And I guess that’s the God’s honest truth. I can’t make Alex feel for me the way I feel for him, just like I can’t make myself get over him any easier.
I don’t believe in all that “I was meant for you” bullshit, because let’s face it; there are millions of other people on this planet, what is the real chance that I am better for him than someone else? The difference is that I wanted to be that person for Alex with every fiber of my being. Even if I couldn’t, I would have spent every waking minute trying to be. Just to call myself his.
Like I said, I’m overreacting, and I need to get over myself. The longer I stay locked in my room, the more everyone will start to question why I’m mad, why what he did upset me so much. I can’t afford to lose Alex, especially not to him knowing how infatuated with him I am. I guess it’s just time to let go of my fantasy of me and him ever being something. That’s exactly what I need to do. Let go.
My phone beeps to a new voice mail, when I open it, I hear Alex on the other end asking if he could come over, something about needing to know some things. Truth be told, I’m a little nervous about what he’s going to come over here to talk about. I text him to come over, and living a few blocks away, he’d be here in no time. Which gave me no time to get rid of my greasy hair, or to get out of the alcohol smelling clothes from last night.
With my head still pounding from the party, I walk into the bathroom and flinch at how bright the light is when I turn it on. I haven’t felt this shitty in a long time. I throw on a clean shirt and fix my greasy hair the best I can without taking a shower, and head downstairs. Twenty minutes later, Alex finally knocks on my door. If I had known he was going to take his sweet time, I would have cleaned myself up a lot more.
When I open the door I see his sweet and inviting smile, which just shows how unprepared I am of “letting go” of the perfect boy in front of me. I let him walk into my house, and we automatically go to my room. I guess with everyone in my house, it might be more personal to “talk” in my room anyway.
“So what do you need to talk about?” I can feel a pit in my stomach and keeping my composure is getting hard to do as my curiosity of what he’s going to say rises.
“I just wanted to talk about last night. I don’t really remember anything after taking my last shot with you, and then talking to Ellie and some of her friends. I just feel like I did something wrong last night, I remember you being pretty mad.” God damn he looks so cute when he’s confused. I just want to kiss his pouting lip, taste him. Something. Anything. I just want him.
But I can’t have him.
“I didn’t get mad, I just walked in on…well, um, Ellie and you. I was surprised, and drunk.” I lie.
“What do you mean you walked in on me and Ellie?” Having to tell him what I saw was going to throw salt on the wound, but if I lied now, he’d find out eventually.
“Um, Ellie was kind of..sucking you off.” His pop opened wide, like I told him the most horrible thing a person could know.
I end up spending a while longer explaining the entire night to Alex, as hopeless as he seemed, I’m not stupid. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for everything. Him being drunk doesn’t make my heart hurt any less from his actions, and him being drunk doesn’t change what he did.
“Mind if I stay the night?” My heart flutters.
My favorite thing in the world is when Alexander sleeps next to me. I love when I get to watch his chest build up and cave in as he inhales and exhales as he sleeps. I love when he lets out sighs, and when he mumbles. I love being able to close in the gap between us as he sleeps. I love being next to him.
But…I need to let go. Even if he doesn’t remember what happened last night, it doesn’t change all my realizations of letting Alex go. I know we will never be together, and I know that I’m setting my heart up for failure. I need to find someone I can actually be with. Even if they’re not him. I can learn to love someone else.
“Not tonight..I still don’t feel good from last night. Maybe next week.” His face falls a little. He’s not used to being told no. Especially not from me.
A few moments later I watch him as he walks across my neighborhood towards his, and I tell myself over and over that this is for the best, but my heart and my head have two different opinions. All I know is that, despite what I want, this is for the better. I won’t forgive myself for giving up a chance to be so close to him, but I know that in the long run, I’ll thank myself.
He just doesn’t know how much this hurts me, just how much I love him.
I’ve always heard people say, “You can’t force someone love you.” And I guess that’s the God’s honest truth. I can’t make Alex feel for me the way I feel for him, just like I can’t make myself get over him any easier.
I don’t believe in all that “I was meant for you” bullshit, because let’s face it; there are millions of other people on this planet, what is the real chance that I am better for him than someone else? The difference is that I wanted to be that person for Alex with every fiber of my being. Even if I couldn’t, I would have spent every waking minute trying to be. Just to call myself his.
Like I said, I’m overreacting, and I need to get over myself. The longer I stay locked in my room, the more everyone will start to question why I’m mad, why what he did upset me so much. I can’t afford to lose Alex, especially not to him knowing how infatuated with him I am. I guess it’s just time to let go of my fantasy of me and him ever being something. That’s exactly what I need to do. Let go.
My phone beeps to a new voice mail, when I open it, I hear Alex on the other end asking if he could come over, something about needing to know some things. Truth be told, I’m a little nervous about what he’s going to come over here to talk about. I text him to come over, and living a few blocks away, he’d be here in no time. Which gave me no time to get rid of my greasy hair, or to get out of the alcohol smelling clothes from last night.
With my head still pounding from the party, I walk into the bathroom and flinch at how bright the light is when I turn it on. I haven’t felt this shitty in a long time. I throw on a clean shirt and fix my greasy hair the best I can without taking a shower, and head downstairs. Twenty minutes later, Alex finally knocks on my door. If I had known he was going to take his sweet time, I would have cleaned myself up a lot more.
When I open the door I see his sweet and inviting smile, which just shows how unprepared I am of “letting go” of the perfect boy in front of me. I let him walk into my house, and we automatically go to my room. I guess with everyone in my house, it might be more personal to “talk” in my room anyway.
“So what do you need to talk about?” I can feel a pit in my stomach and keeping my composure is getting hard to do as my curiosity of what he’s going to say rises.
“I just wanted to talk about last night. I don’t really remember anything after taking my last shot with you, and then talking to Ellie and some of her friends. I just feel like I did something wrong last night, I remember you being pretty mad.” God damn he looks so cute when he’s confused. I just want to kiss his pouting lip, taste him. Something. Anything. I just want him.
But I can’t have him.
“I didn’t get mad, I just walked in on…well, um, Ellie and you. I was surprised, and drunk.” I lie.
“What do you mean you walked in on me and Ellie?” Having to tell him what I saw was going to throw salt on the wound, but if I lied now, he’d find out eventually.
“Um, Ellie was kind of..sucking you off.” His pop opened wide, like I told him the most horrible thing a person could know.
I end up spending a while longer explaining the entire night to Alex, as hopeless as he seemed, I’m not stupid. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for everything. Him being drunk doesn’t make my heart hurt any less from his actions, and him being drunk doesn’t change what he did.
“Mind if I stay the night?” My heart flutters.
My favorite thing in the world is when Alexander sleeps next to me. I love when I get to watch his chest build up and cave in as he inhales and exhales as he sleeps. I love when he lets out sighs, and when he mumbles. I love being able to close in the gap between us as he sleeps. I love being next to him.
But…I need to let go. Even if he doesn’t remember what happened last night, it doesn’t change all my realizations of letting Alex go. I know we will never be together, and I know that I’m setting my heart up for failure. I need to find someone I can actually be with. Even if they’re not him. I can learn to love someone else.
“Not tonight..I still don’t feel good from last night. Maybe next week.” His face falls a little. He’s not used to being told no. Especially not from me.
A few moments later I watch him as he walks across my neighborhood towards his, and I tell myself over and over that this is for the best, but my heart and my head have two different opinions. All I know is that, despite what I want, this is for the better. I won’t forgive myself for giving up a chance to be so close to him, but I know that in the long run, I’ll thank myself.
He just doesn’t know how much this hurts me, just how much I love him.