It Was Never Supposed to Be Easy

I sat alone for the first time since I was a first year.
Instead of taking notes I doodled my name over and over. I drew it big, wide, small, messy, and neat. I took up the whole page with just my name.
Instead of raising my hand to answer questions, I stared at them, and I remembered how helpless they had been only a few hours ago. And I felt betrayed.
I kept my head down and my eyes seemed too heavy to keep open. I tried not to look towards Ron and Harry. Especially Ron. The one good look that I had gotten of him was not a pleasant one. His red hair looked unbrushed and his eyes were bloodshot.

I felt horrible.

I had done this to him. NO, Malfoy had done this to him. He had cornered me in the library and he had kissed me like a boyfriend would. He had caused confusion and he had caused pain to not only me, but my closest friends.

And Ginny. Never before had I hated someone as much as I hated her right now. She had seen Malfoy kiss me and had run to the two people I trusted the most. It was my secret. It was for me to tell. She had given them false information and now I was paying for it. She had not come to confront me on her own; she had gone to her stupid boyfriend and her stupider brother. My friends, the only real ones that I had.
I thought that Ginny and I were friends. I thought that she was one of my best friends, the only girl that I could go to with problems I would rather not discuss with boys. I remembered sitting on her bed, cross-legged, and giggling late into the night. I remembered telling secrets and making faces across the common room. I considered her to be a little sister. And she had betrayed me and her betrayal left me friendless.

And as angry as I was towards Ginny, I still had left over anger for Harry and Ron. Did they honestly think me so low as to kiss a rat like Malfoy? I thought they knew me better.

As I inwardly called that damned Draco Malfoy all matters of names, I couldn’t help but remember him walking away from me. Alone. Dejected. Unhappy.

And then I felt guilt towards the one person in Hogwarts who least deserved it. He looked like he had really been given a blow. I had been to far away to see his face as he walked away, but I was sure that if I had, it would’ve broken my heart more than my heart was already broken by my friends.

I was tired. I was angry. I was undoubtedly missing something that would crop up at the N.E.W.T.S and then I would undoubtedly fail at something that I never thought that I would fail at. This was my last year at Hogwarts, Christmas was right around the corner and if I didn’t fix this soon, I would spend that alone too.

Unless I went home.

Where I felt even more out of place. Mom and Dad were wonderful and I loved them more than anything, but that was not my world. This was my world.

And now I wished to Godric Gryffindor that it wasn’t.
……………………………………………………………………………………………

I had no appetite for lunch but since Ron always had room for food, I went anyways. I wanted to talk to him so badly. I wanted to explain to him that this was all a misunderstanding. I didn’t really want to tell anyone what had happened in the library, but if that was what I had to do to win my friends back to my side, then secrets be damned.

I smiled at the thought of what Ron would do to Malfoy.

And then I saw him. Malfoy, not Ron. And my stomach leapt. Which is a strange feeling anyway, especially when it’s associated with someone you’ve sworn to hate until the end of time. I could not help but look at his icy beauty and I wished that he would turn around so that I could see his face and know that I had been forgiven. He had been trying to be kind to me. Offering to walk me to class and I had been undeniably rude. I had the strangest urge to run to him and apologize and then I remembered. This was Draco Malfoy. He was mean, he was rude and he hurt my feelings at the drop of the hat.

I feared that I was bipolar. These mood swings were so not natural. I was pretty sure.

I sat at the Gryffindor table, or as I had come to call it, Hell, and waited for someone important to show up.
Like magic, pardon the pun, Ginny appeared and after giving me a long look, sat across from me.

“Hello Hermione.” She began.

“Ginny, we need to talk and I use the word we in the loosest sense, I need to talk and you will listen.”

I was also beginning to think that I had anger issues.

Her eyebrows disappeared under her bangs and she gave me a drop-dead look,

“Excuse me?”

“Ginny, how could you? Where do you get off on spreading rumors about me? I thought we we’re FRIENDS, I thought that you could come to me; instead you go to Harry and Ron? You didn’t even ask me what had happened. I can’t believe that you would do this. After all that I have done for you, how could you do this to me?”

Ginny held up her hands for me to stop and then in the same whispered yell that I had been using she began,

“You know that my brother is practically in love with you. How long have you been running around on him? I thought you cared for him Hermione, how could you do that to HIM?”

“Ron is not my boyfriend! I’m not running around on ANYONE!”

“But he could be, and you chose MALFOY!” she spat this last word out like a particularly nasty curse.

“I didn’t choose anyone. Malfoy and I are not dating.”

“That makes it even worse!”

“You don’t know anything, you don’t know a DAMN thing about what happened to me that night, you assumed that I was some kind of whore and you told the very people that I didn’t want to tell!”

Ginny stopped at that. She looked mildly ashamed and leaned over the plate of pudding that had appeared moments ago.

“All I know was that I saw you kissing Malfoy and you weren’t exactly pushing away and he’s my brother. I love you Hermione, you’re my friend, but he’s my brother.”

“Even more of a reason to come to me.” I said, looking her dead in the eyes.

“Fine, then tell me what happened.” She said, crossing her arms.

“You’re the last person I need to talk to about what happened to me. Ron deserves it first, and if I can catch him with Harry and tell them at the same time, even better.”

She twisted her mouth, thinking this over, and then,

“Ron’s out by the lake. Harry is there too I think, I was looking for him myself.”

I looked at her for a few seconds and then I said, “Thank you.”

I took the shortcut through the portrait of a tiny witch nearly always picking her nose. It led me to a short, empty corridor and out a narrow door. Directly across from the door was the lake and in the distance I could see Ron’s bright red hair, brilliant against the blue of the lake and sky.

I walked to him slowly, turning over my thoughts in my head and trying to find the words to say. Ron’s back was turned to me and he was throwing stones into the lake like if he threw them hard enough they would solve his problems. I halted a yard or so away and waited for a moment before I spoke,

“Ron?”

Ron jumped a foot in the air and didn’t exactly manage to hide is squeal of surprise.

“Hermione!” he said, gasping. Then he remembered he hated me and he crossed his arms, frowning. “What do you want?”

“We need to talk.”

“Hardly, you have nothing to say to me that I don’t already know.”

“Doubtful.” I said, crossing my own arms. This was going to be ugly.

“Oh really?”

I sighed; Ron always was bad at comebacks.

“Really, listen Ron, what Ginny told you, it’s not the way it seems. I was in the library and he…he came to me!”

“And he just kissed you because…” he trailed off, waving his hand, waiting for me to finish.

“I don’t know why he kissed me.”

“BUT YOU KISSED HIM!” he yelled suddenly, pointing a finger at me accusingly.

I stopped at the anger in his words. It was true, everything he had just said. It didn’t matter that he had come to me and kissed me first, I hadn’t pushed him away, if anything, I had stopped struggling when he kissed me. I hadn’t kicked, I hadn’t screamed. I had let him push me up against that bookcase and kiss me like it was nobody’s business. I was guilty too. That voice of reason that had been so unreasonable lately had admitted hurt when I found out that that I might be nothing more than a rebound from Pansy. I had been hurt when I found out that his kiss might mean nothing. I had felt awful when I rejected his offer to walk me to class. I had looked for him all day, even if I wasn’t willing to admit it to anyone. I had done all of that. I was deserving of Ron’s hate. Even though I had an excuse (and a damn good one) I was suddenly too tired to say it. I just wanted this whole mess to go away.

Ron was yelling and the words were sliding by and I was looking at the sky behind him, seeing how blue it was, and wishing that I was as beautiful as that sky and that I was far from here. In a bed as wide as the Great Hall and as comfy as the single cloud drifting overhead. I wanted to sleep forever.

And then a movement by the edge of the forest caught my attention, pulling me out of my drifting thoughts.

Even though he was a good-sized Quidditch field away from me, I knew who it was. I turned to watch him. He was standing at the edge of the trees, watching us. Watching me.

I stepped close to Ron and flung my arms around him, breaking off his speech completely.

“I am so sorry Ron. Maybe you’re right, maybe we should be together, maybe we should date and maybe I would be the luckiest girl in the world. But I don’t want maybes right now. I don’t want maybes to rule my life. I want to live without regret and if I don’t live this then I will die with regrets. This isn’t because you aren’t good enough, it’s because you are good enough. But I just have to be sure that I’m making the right decision. I could be so wrong, so, so, so wrong. But don’t you want me to be sure?”

He pulled away and held my face in his hands.

“Hermione, what are you saying?”

I smiled and I felt a single tear run down my cheek, pooling at the base of his thumb.

“I haven’t the faintest idea.”

“Hermione, haven’t you been listening to me! I’m throwing myself practically at your feet and you’re just standing there!”

“And maybe one day I’ll be able to pick you up, but right now, I can’t even pick myself up.” I pulled away from him.

“Where are you going? I don’t understand what you’re saying! Hermione!” Ron said, crying fresh tears.

I began to walk away towards the woods.

“Hermione!” Ron called after me, “Hermione, please, come back!”

I didn’t know what I was going to do, I had no idea what I was going to say but right now, for some reason, that was alright.

I walked up to the tall boy leaning against the tree, smiling into the sun.

“He’s watching you, you know.” He said.

I stood there in front of him and I said quietly, “Does that bother you?”

He laughed suddenly, not the usual cold giggle but a laugh, a real laugh.

“Not anymore.”

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A Note: I want to thank all of you for your lovely comments and suggestions. I tried to comment you all personally, hopefully I didn't miss anyone. If I did, I am so terrible sorry. I am, of course, open to ideas, suggestoins, criticisims and questions. Like I said before, this is my first fanfic and I hope that I'm going the right way about it. I still can't believe the attention this has gotten, even if it seems small to you, it's more than I've ever gotten before and it really blew me away. Thankyou!!!!!
xoxoxo, Jocee.