It Was Never Supposed to Be Easy

Truth

The sun-dappled trees gave a perfect shelter for Draco and me. We didn’t say much, instead we sat, leaning against a giant oak, and we stayed like that, for what felt like hours. We didn’t touch, we didn’t speak. It was not a perfect silence; the silence itself was not golden. Instead, it was filled with unspoken words and feelings I that had no name. While it bothered me, I could not help but notice that Draco was sitting perfectly still; the only movement that he made was the slow, lazy patterns that he was tracing in the dirt.

“Draco?” I finally asked.

“Hmm….?” He said, finally breaking his silence.

“What… what just happened?”

He finally looked at me, his brow slightly furrowed and asked in return, “What do you mean?”

“I just gave up what could have been a perfectly respectable, solid, loving relationship with someone that I have known for years…” I began.

“You’ve known me for years.” Draco pointed out.

I stood in aggravation. “You hated me all those years.”

Now he was standing, hands on hips, offended. “I never hated you!” he said.

“All those taunts, the mean words…what were those then?”

“I’ll admit, I was mean, but I never HATED you!”

“Then WHAT was all that!” I said.

He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair. Even in the shade his hair seemed to shine. He crossed his arms, “I don’t know” he said finally.

“That’s not good enough.” I said after a moment of silence.

Now he was looking at me with a strange expression, one that I had never seen on his face. I didn’t know what to call it, but it brought back those awful memories of this morning on the stairs. Already, I was wondering if this was the right decision. Already, I was chiding myself for galloping off into romantic delusions without thinking them through. Why? Why was I doing this to myself?

“Why?” he asked quietly.

“What?” I said, confused.

“Why can’t I ask that?”

“It’s not something that one should ask. I would never presume to tell you.”

At that, he smiled, making him look so much younger. “As always, so educated.”

Even in my state of frustration I felt myself grin.

“I’ll tell you what, “He began, sitting down slowly, as if sore. “I’ll tell you exactly what I think, if you do the same for me.”

I hesitated. This was what I had asked for. The truth.

“Alright.”

He leaned back, looking at the sky as if he could read what he would sat to me. His eyes closed for a moment, he was so pale that I could see the veins through his eyelids. His lashes, surprisingly dark, swept his cheeks and then his eyes opened and he turned his gaze to me.

“I have made many mistakes. Thanks to the dratted Potter, you know of them all. Yes, Hermione, I was especially stupid this past year, but when the Dark Lord comes to you, it is impossible to say no. No one says no to the Dark Lord and survives. I took the Mark and the task that he set for me. And I failed. It is by luck and by luck only that I was given this chance at survival. I will not tell you of my sacrifices, only know that they are there. And I will not lie to you, I am still a Death Eater, I am still in his power. I see you shudder, and I agree. I am no better than Wormtail, the fool. I am in the Dark Lord’s service out of fear and fear alone. And if there is anything that the Dark Lord cannot stand, it is a disloyal Death Eater.”

He paused, taking a deep breath and then he began again.

“I will die.”

I gasped; Draco was talking of his own death so lightly, so forwardly. He had accepted it.

“Do not gasp at me Hermione, it is true and you know it. I will die, soon. He will let me live until he remembers me and my failings and then he will kill me. But I do not think that it will be painful, the victims of the Killing Curse never have a look of sudden pain, only surprise. But with this knowledge I have changed. Understandably. I look at my fellow Slytherins and know that when the time comes, they too will fall in his trap and they may not fail. The may succeed and gain al lthe glory that I had hoped for. But glory is not enough for me anymore.”

He looked me in the eye at this and reached out for my hand. His hand was cool and soft. His hands had never seen a day of hard work and with his story I realized, they never would.

“You see, glory is so little. We think that it is big, we think that it is all we need, but we are wrong. I saw you on the train here and I felt like such a fool. I had let precious moments of my life slip through my fingers. I had squandered away all that we could have been. I saw you laughing with Potter and Weasley and I wanted more than anything to know what the joke was. I’ve always seen the three of you laugh, and part of me was angry that you could laugh. That was when I believed you to be filth. I looked down on you, I did not hate you. I was…jealous. You all looked so care-free. I was raised to be who I am today. A Death Eater. It is who I am. That was what I was meant to be. I never had the chances you did. But, do not pity me. It is a choice that I will die for, and I understand that.”

He squinted at me, studying my face.

“You have always been pretty. And I hated so much, that I thought a muggle-born was pretty. I felt dirty. I am a pure-blood, and I was raised with these beliefs. But then I saw you, coming back to Hogwarts, and I realized you were never pretty. You are beautiful.”

Draco stopped talking here and closed his eyes once more.

He looked so, sad. And young. What a terrible way to live. Knowing that any day now, he could die. He had done terrible things, yes. He had been on the plot of Dumbledore’s death. But he had not done it. And now he would die for it.

Under the tree, sunlight played across his face and I felt something that I had never though I should feel for Draco. A sense of kinship, friendship, pity…and something else. But even as I felt it, I did not name it. I don’t think it ever had a name.

I leaned forward until I could feel his breath on my cheeks. I knew that he could feel me and I knew that he knew that I was there. But he did not open his eyes. I stayed there for a few seconds and then I did a very brave thing.

I kissed him.

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A Note: I realize that Hermione did not tell him what she thought of him. There is a reason. I would also like to complain loudly about the fact that I cannot read my Harry Potter books anymore. I read them, and somehow, in writing this, I've become overly-fond of Malfoy. Which makes it hard to read when he's threatning Dumbledore. I also can't read them because every time I do I get an idea for my own story. Which is why this has been posted at 5:00 in the morning. Damn you JKR!!!!
Magical Cookies to all of you. I appreciate everything that you have said. Thankyou!!!!!!