Baby, You Are the Weapon I Choose

I stared at Kevin who was sitting on my computer desk chair. He was just idly staring back. What the hell was this about? “You wanted to talk, so talk,” I said. “What is this about?”

He sighed as he looked at me. “You know I don’t want to abandon you guys, right? I’m not trying to leave you guys hanging.”

“And yet you are,” I said coldly. “If you’re here to try to get me to visit you or not want to kick you out of the band or whatever, you can leave now.”

He sighed. “Joe, please—”

“What is it Kevin? You want to be informed when we have interviews? You got it,” I said, rolling my eyes. I knew I was being cruel intentionally. I knew he didn’t deserve this. But he was leaving. He was going to get out. I was stuck here. I was trapped.

“I’m not worries about that,” he said. “It’s just – I want to tell you why I’m leaving.”

“I’m listening,” I said, trying to pretend I didn’t care.

He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. “Sept 8th, 2003,” he said. “I was given an assignment. I was told to kill Danielle Deleasa.”

“Wait, Dani? As in your girlfriend? As in the girl who moved to Mexico?” I asked, stunned. Danielle Deleasa had been Kevin’s girlfriend for as long as anyone could remember. “You had to kill her?”

He nodded slowly. “She knew too much,” he sighed. “She had to be gone.”

“Wow,” I said sarcastically. “You killed your girlfriend. And now you’re suffering, right?”

“Well – yes,” he said, slightly confused. I could tell he wasn’t expecting my reaction.

“So because you were cold enough to kill your girlfriend, you hate the world and you’re going to leave us,” I guessed.

“You don’t understand,” he sighed, shaking his head.

“No, I don’t care,” I said.

“Joe, please just listen—”

“No, how about you listen to me?” I suggested. “You killed your girlfriend. So fucking what? It goes with the job. If you were an ass enough to actually do it, you deserve whatever the hell you’re feeling.”

“You don’t think you’ll feel like this when you kill her father?” he asked quietly.

I just stared at him, not saying anything. He was comparing this to Christine? He was comparing himself to me? I was nothing like him. I didn’t love Christine. And I wasn’t going to kill her.

He laughed once. “You think you don’t love her? Or at least, won’t? You’re good at what you do Joe, much better than I ever was. But you’re not that good. You usually know how to keep emotions away from the job. But I can see you. I can see what this girl is doing to you.”

“She isn’t doing anything to me,” I said. “It’s just an assignment, nothing more.”

He sighed again, shaking his head. “You really going to hold onto that idea for the whole time.” He smiled slightly. “It might help when you kill her.”

“I’m killing her father, not her,” I reminded him.

He laughed now fully, and bitterly. “You think that it won’t kill her in turn? She hid him away. Clearly he’s everything to her. Killing him is going to kill her. Will you be able to live with that?”

He got up then, leaving me quiet. “Just think about it, okay Joe? I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take a life because with every life I take, each person I kill, every assignment I complete, I know that it won’t make up from killing Danielle. It won’t ease the pain. And every time I do it Joe, every time that gun goes off, I see her face. I know leaving now, walking away won’t bring her back or make up for it. But it’s a step, right?”

I didn’t say anything. Kevin smiled slightly and turned around, walking out. I stared after him. Danielle. She hadn’t moved to Mexico. She was – dead. Kevin and Danielle had been inseparable when we were younger, two peas in a pod, kind of like Mandy and me. Only difference? Mandy was allowed to know everything. Why? Because she was a killer too. I sighed, picking up my phone. She was ruthless. She was good, probably the closest thing to someone I’d pick as a partner for a gig. She had helped me many times. And I kind of needed her help now. I quickly dialed her number.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hey Manders,” I grinned. Mandy, my best friend.

“Yo Danger,” she said back. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, just needed someone to talk to,” I sighed.

“Kevin no help,” she teased.

I rolled my eyes. Mandy knew everything about my secret sibling rivalry with Kevin. “You’re funny.”

“I know,” she said. I knew she was grinning. “So seriously, what’s up?”

“I need you to help me,” I said.

“Oh a mission, I’ll be in Cali in a few hours,” she said.

“No, I’ll come there,” I said. I didn’t need her to help me kill anyone. I needed to know what to do. “This weekend. I’ll be there this weekend.”

“Okay,” she dragged out. “You sound confused. Everything okay?”

I sighed. “No it’s kind of a mess. I’ll explain when I get there.”

“Joseph,” my dad called me.

“I’ve got to go,” I groaned. “See you this weekend.”

“Alright, bye Danger,” she said.

“Bye,” I hung up. I ran a hand through my hair. What the hell was I going to do?

I walked downstairs. My dad was sitting on the couch. “What time is your date?” he asked.

“At 6,” I said. “We’re going to go eat and then we’ll go bowling.”

He nodded approvingly. “Now this weekend, I have another assignment for you.”

I sighed. There went my plans to see Mandy. “Okay,” I said. “What is it?”

“It’s actually not here,” he said.

“Where is it?” I asked confused.

“Do you think it’s too early for you to take Christine to see your childhood home?”