I’ll Hide You Away From the World.

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

The power of the car was under his complete control as he sped through the city streets, the tires speeding along the tar road with as much fury as he held in his heart. Where was he going? He had no idea. He had to escape. You know what to do… That mocking voice reappeared in Mikey’s head, egging him on to do something he’d later regret. But it didn’t matter, he’d probably do it anyway.

As the city blurred past him in a flash of bright lights, Mikey could not help but feel so angry, that it was eating away at him. The hatred he had towards that child was torturing his every limb. That thing had stolen Alicia from him, how could Gerard ever expect him to accept it. In his mind, he couldn’t even accept it as a human being, let alone his child.

Pulling into the parking lot of the apartment that he and Alicia had shared, Mikey sat in the car. His hands still gripped tightly on the wheel, frozen to it as the reminder that Alicia would never come home was clear inside his mind. That was where he broke down. The tears which his heart had denied him to release, finally began to spill from his deep brown eyes as he hit his head softly on the face of the steering wheel and causing the car’s horn to beep. The sound filling the parking lot and echoing off its walls and back into his ears as he sat in the silence of the dimly yellow lit parking lot.

You are so worthless, what are you doing just sitting there? The voice began speaking again, its arrogant tone making his tears flow more. Get up. Go. Don’t just sit there. He lifted his head from the steering wheel and looked out through the pure glass of the car window and at the cars in front, considering what the voice was saying. You know what can help you Mikey.

“Ok…” He whispered, agreeing with the voice and pulling himself from the depths of his jet-black car.

The apartment was dark and uninviting as he opened the door and hesitantly walked inside. Her smell still lingered through the air, that once beautiful sensation of her perfume now seemed haunted. Tightly closing his eyes, he inhaled the smell in hope that when he reopened them, Alicia would be standing in front of him with her silky black hair flowing down just past her shoulders and with that unforgettable smile and those deep brown coloured eyes which could catch the rays of the sun and glitter with such purity.

The image of her was so clear in his head, but when he dared to re-open his eyes nothing had changed, the room was still swallowed by the pitch black of night and the deathly silence that reminded him of her absence.It’s right there Mikey….. The voice continued to convince him, tempting him to give in. So he did.

Walking stiffly into the white painted kitchen, Mikey opened the cabinet to find his cure. Tall glass bottles filled with various coloured liquids and names greeted him. All he had to do was choose his poison.

Almost as if it was calling out to him, Mikey grabbed the bottle filled with a brown coloured liquid and removed it from its place, the bottle almost full. Whisky…a foul tasting liquid that could burn your throat and leave a terrible after taste that would make you regret ever drinking it. It was just too perfect.

Unscrewing the white coloured cap and discarding it somewhere on the counter top as the reoccurring ringing of the telephone began, he ignored it and wandered into their lounge. Passing the stereo where he switched it on, and the last CD that Alicia had played began to fill out the silence of the apartment drowning out the sound of the telephone as his brother’s voice quickly followed.

The last CD Alicia had been playing was one of his own, and the now terrifying lyrics of ‘Helena’ began to fill the air, torturing him. The song had been written about Gerard and his grandmother, but now the lyrics seemed to fit so well with Alicia’s death.

Taking a large swig right out from the bottle, the liquid set his throat on fire and began relaxing his muscles, suppressing the pain he held as he threw himself limply onto the dark grey couches. Couches she had picked out.

“What’s the worst to take, from every heart you break?” He sang quietly along with his brother’s voice, staring at the wall across from him, not focusing on anything, one of those moments where you were in a kind of awake sleep, lost in the thoughts of her. She was everywhere in the apartment, and it chilled him to the bone.

Another swig. Hoping he’d find her at the bottom of the bottle, wishing she was hiding there, waiting for him. Her ghostly presence lingered in the air. An all too clear reminder that she was never going to come home. Never would he have the chance to kiss her, or hold her tightly in his arms. No. That was all just a memory of the past.

“So long…and goodnight.” He spoke solemnly to the wall, now focusing on a floor lamp directly opposite his body. It’s silvery metallic surface seemed to glow in the darkness as its white lamp shade remained dull, the bulb behind it unlit, not helping him as he sat in the darkness. He took another swig, now realising the bottle was almost empty. It had been almost full just minutes ago, perhaps that was why his head was already spinning and his vision blurring.

He took another swig and finished off the bottle then discarded it, His body beginning to tremble from the alcohol entering his blood system and drowning out the pain.

Time passed and another bottle joined the empty whisky on the apartment floor. His head was spinning rapidly, his body numb and sprawled limply on the couch as his head bopped up and down to the music on repeat.

“I’m not okkkaaaaay….” He was singing, his words slurred as he sung along, blinded to the feelings from Alicia’s death. Refusing to accept them. The whisky had done its job as he moved his head to the rhythm.

That was until, the soft guitar riff of ‘The Ghost of You’ filled his ears. A small salty tear escaped his right eye and rolled down his paper-white skin.

“You are never coming home,” He spoke to the lampshade, almost expecting it to be able to answer him. “Are you?” Another tear joined the other as they rolled in unison down his cheeks and he took another swig from his newest bottle filled with a transparent liquid.

“Mikey…” Her sweet voice suddenly filled the room, echoing off the walls and ringing angelically in his ears.

“Alicia?” He forced his drunken heavy head up to glance around the room, desperately searching for her face.

“I’m here Mikey.” He glanced at the lampshade where the voice was coming from, drunkenly rubbing his eyes in hope to clear his vision and to see her.

“I can’t see you. Where are you!?” He raised his voice in fear, his heart was desperately begging to see her face, but she wasn’t there. It was just a ghostly voice haunting him.

“In your heart.” Her soothing voice replied and he relaxed, settling back into the grey cushions of the couch and staring at the lampshade where her voice seemed to resonate from.

More tears began to fill his eyes. He wanted to see her, he didn’t want to accept that she was gone. Torn unfairly from him and replaced by another who people expected him to accept as his own.

“Mikey. I will always love you, I will always be with you.” Her ghostly voice continued, drilling holes into his already broken heart.

“I love you so much…” He stared into the lampshade, his drunken and confused mind playing tricks on him. “Why did you leave me?” The tears had now escaped his eyes and were flooding him with overwhelming emotion.

“I never left you. Take care of him. Remember me.” Her voice began to fade, becoming distance.

“Don’t go!” He yelled, clambering off the couch and over to the lampshade, clinging onto it. His fists turning white as he gripped the cold lamp as the tears flowed uncontrollably down his cheeks, staining his face. His head was spinning rapidly, the effects of the alcohol making him delusional.

“Never forget….” Her voice was now so soft he could barely hear it. “I will always love you.” Then, as suddenly as it had appeared, her voice was gone. It had faded back into the darkness as he released the lamp from his grip and fell to the carpeted floor below, sobbing as tears flooded his eyes. And for a moment, just a single moment, he thought he could see her standing in the corner of the room. Her beautiful face smiling as a soft glow radiated from her figure, like an angel. Then it was gone. It was nothing but a shadow.

The warmth of the alcohol, which now pumped madly through his veins. Controlling his system and forcing sleep upon him as he shed uncontrollable tears and began to drift into a peaceful sleep, dreaming of her and what she’d said to him.