Fake Smiles Shatter The Feeling Of Emptiness

Ryan’s Point Of View

“That’s it Ryan, get up slowly now,” Spencer says, he’s speaking to me like I’m some demented child; big deal I fainted wouldn’t you if you were in my position? Sitting up I adjust my eyes to the same old blue plastic chairs and the mop of Spencer’s curly hair. This is just messed up; words can’t describe how stupid I feel. The linoleum squeaks under my neatly polished shoes as I stand up and try to gain my composure and balance. Spencer smiles kindly and I frown when I realize the only reason why he is acting this way is because I fainted. Not because Brendon is at death’s door near enough or not the fact that our friendships is barely hanging on just me blacking out. Well that’s just superb! Words can not describe how fucking ecstatic I am over everything what’s turning my life into a black hole. I’m just getting sucked into misery like everything dammed around me.

“Is Brendon oblivious to all of this,” I ask Spencer quietly, I’m quite shocked by the pitch of my voice and how rough its sounds. Did I really faint that badly? I mean I swear I didn’t feel so weak and vulnerable when I was standing perfectly on two feet. It’s probably just the sickening dream what did all this to me, my body started to shut down when I thought Brendon was gone he had started to take away a part of me.

“Yeah Ryan, Bren is still sleeping we didn’t want to wake him,” Spencer replies in the same zoned out tone, I don’t blame him we are both utterly exhausted. It’s exhausting to try and keep yourself in only piece when your boyfriend is behind the door hooked on tubes and laid stiff in a hospital bed. Part of me wants to run home and collapse on the very bed we sleep on together every, single night or breathe in Brendon’s soft scent on the lime green pillows. But I have to stay here, be supportive, and be his life support machine. I should do this without any thought of question seeing as I am the reason he is in here.

“Can I go see him,” I ask childishly, dripping with innocence. Spencer replies with a simple nod of his head as I feel my fingers trembling as I reach for the door knob. Deep breaths Ryan it’s just Brendon. Just Brendon? More like what’s left of Brendon. I get a weak grasp on the knob as I twist it gently still wishing that everything would go back to normal with one twist of a door knob. I push it gently but Spencer places a large hand on my shoulder and I jump out of my scarred skin.

“Ry what happened when you passed out you were screaming when you woke up,” Spencer asks curiously I flash him a worried smile and see the lies building up in my throat. How can I tell him I saw Brendon dead, I mean what the fuck! I’ll just twist the truth a little or you know change the story completely. I just don’t want anybody to get hurt and I don’t want to bring bad luck to Brendon.

“Just scared me a bit Spencer I had no idea why I was on the floor and everyone was crowding me it was frightening,” I try to say as convincing as possible. Spencer just shrugs before squeezing my shoulder lightly. I push open the door and feel weak at the knees as Spencer catches me in his arms as I go crashing to the floor again. That’s not my Brendon, what’s happening, where is my abusive, broken lover? He looks so fragile, so...Dead. I suppose being engulfed in stitches and tubes doesn’t help either.

“Hey it’s okay Ry we can come back later if you want,” Spencer soothes, I know he is only trying to be nice but he is highly irritating me I want to be with my boyfriend! I break free from Spencer’s caring grasp and try to be in command of my deep, heavy breathing. Second time come on Ry just walk over to him just show you care. I take another step forward Spencer’s worried glances burning holes in my skin, by the time I am stood next to his hospital bed I’m hyperventilating and the odd few tears have started to make an appearance down my cheeks.

I take hold of his pale hand and gently rub my thumb across it, how can he look so elegantly peaceful? Instantly my hand is drawn to the loose strand of hair covering his bruised eye as I gently tuck it behind his ear. My angel. My imperfect, but yet flawless creature. The temptation to crawl in the sparkling white bed sheets with him hurts but I don’t want to even create the slightest of movements he just looks serene and I don’t want to destroy that.

“Hey Brendon I know that you probably hate me right now but please just hear me out. I should have listened to you but I was being stubborn and I don’t want to lose you again. You know the Brendon who loves me and never leaves my side, of course I’m being selfish wanting you all the time just the way you are. Anyway it’s me who should be in this bed now, I deserve to die okay so if you don’t survive this then my heart will be cut from my chest and I’ll be right back my your side again. I love you Brendon Boyd Urie and I want to spend the rest of my complicated, fucked up life with you. So I guess I’m asking you to marry me even though you’re fast asleep and can’t hear a word I’m saying...”

“Oh my god Ryan! What the fuck are you doing,” I hear someone hiss at me, I turn around in shock distraught that our beautiful moment was blitzed by some rude boy with an outgoing opinion. It’s William, my so called best friend. The friend I rushed to see and put my boyfriend in hospital because of that. I feel the tears burning my sockets and William walks over to me staring deep down into my skull.

“Go away William, I don’t want to hear it,” I sob as I push him away with my limited might and use my crumpled wet tissue to dab at my eyes gently. William places his hands on his feminine hips and glares over at Brendon, I’m surprised a look so wicked didn’t wake him it screamed a thousand words at me. I’m about to return to Brendon’s side when another man walks into the room equipped with short brown hair and faint stubble gracing his chin. He looks up at me and that oh too familiar voice makes its way to my tattered heart.

“Jesus Ryan you look terrible," they exclaim. William walks over to the man placing a long arm around his shoulder and pressing a firm kiss against his thin pale lips. This time I do stumble backwards but manage to grip onto the hospital bed for support as my whole world comes crashing down around me. First Brendon, then this. Or more like him.

“Ry you know my boyfriend right? Jon Walker...”