Symphony Of Sympathy

Start off simple. Accept that he's gone, won't come back. Denial. Because he will come back. Next time he's high and horny. He'll be here. Play hard to get, act like you have a conscience, act like it's wrong. All bullshit. Because you drop your panties the first chance you get.

It's all routine for you two now. Both of you know it. Yet still, neither of you admit it. Denial, again. It always ends up with denial between you and Oli. Mum would disapprove of all that you do, Shiloh.

I shake my head of that nagging voice. It sounds too much like Sierra. False hope. My sister has been dead 3 years. Reason Mum brought us back. America is what killed her, got her shot dead. Mum never looked so desperate to escape....

"Shiloh?" Someone calls up the stairs. Conner.

"Shit..." I grumbled. My room smells like sweat, and a certain Oliver Sykes. Not something you want your boyfriend to smell. There is no Oliver next to me, or a note, but there never is. "Conner, hold on, alright? I gotta change!"

"C'mon, love! We've 'ad these plans for weeks! If you don’t hurry up, we'll never make it to the theater in time!" He replied through the white wood of my door.

The film. Of course I would forget. Some old time movie is playing down at a small theater, and he's been dying to see it.

Maybe if you weren’t so busy with Oli, you'd actually have time for your boyfriend.

"Why are you like my fucking therapist?" I grumbled under my breath.

Because you are too irresponsible. You and I both know, you'd be screw without me.

I sigh, rubbing my temples to force the voice out. Damn false hope. Sierra is dead. Dead. Murdered. Tears prick my eyes.

I pull on a loose purple sweater and a short gray skirt. Sheffield is very cold, even in spring. Quickly, I run a brush through my hair. If Conner saw sex hair on me, he'd freak.

Let's just say he thinks we're both virgins.

Yeah right, Sierra snorts.

I shove my door open, partially in anger with the voice in my head. "Let's go," I snap.

Conner smiles, and grabs my hand. In reality, I'm the biggest bitch that ever lived. He's been the most loyal boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. He was my first kiss, my first real, steady relationship.

He wasn’t your first fuck. That would happen to be Oliver.

I'm not listening, I tell Sierra's voice in a singsong tone.

"Are yeh alright?" Conner asks as we walk out my front door.

"Of course. Why do you ask?"

"Yeh seem slightly... I dunno, out of it, I guess," Conner's words stumble into each other with a thick British accent.

One thing I got from living in America for a majority of my life- no British accent.

"Out of curiosity, how'd you get into my house?" I asked, despite the fact it was a delayed question.

"Oh, yeh mum let me in on her way out," he shrugged. I nodded, and we both fell silent.

We walk down my street, passing mine and Oli's friend, Lee's house. He's sitting outside, smoking a cigarette. I can tell by the way he's glaring that Oli spent the night there. Distrust.

Of course Lee doesn’t trust you. You're out here, parading around with your boyfriend, while your boy-toy is probably upstairs in Lee's room.

"Hey Lee!" I called, waving at the boy. Sierra's voice sighed in distaste. Ignore it.

"'Ello, Shi," Lee called back with a smile. But his eyes were glaring at Conner, probably hoping if he stared long enough, he'd explode.

"C'mon, hun, we're gonna be late," I offered a fake smile, and dragged Conner away from Lee.

"I don't think he likes me much," he sighed, gazing at me.

"No, I'm sure he loves you. Lee's just... He can be a bitch. Let's go, alright?" I pulled at his arm.

Gee, first you cheat, and then call your friend a bitch? Aren’t you a lovely person today?

I'm not listening, I'm not listening.

The film was long, boring, and Conner paid zero attention to me. But it was good. I could clear my head. Get rid of Sierra. Rid of false hope.

Baby girl, you can't get rid of me. Not until I know you'll be safe without me.

I was close to laughter. My dead sister is haunting me. Clearly, I have gone mentally insane. Credits rolled down the screen.

"Man, that was awesome. Wasn’t it, sweetie?"

"Yeah, Con. It was great," I smiled at him. What he doesn’t know won't hurt him. Liar. It will hurt him. It will hurt both of us. I'll get labeled a slut, and he'll get all the sympathy...

"Shi, are yeh sure yeh are okay?" He asked, staring at me with a confused look.

"Yeah, babes. Just fine. Just fine."

Liar. It's all falling apart, and it's all your fault.

I'm not listening.

But I was a liar. Sierra was right, even if she wasn’t real. I'd pretty much dug my own grave the first time I slept with Oli, and ever so slowly, I was being buried alive.