Symphony Of Sympathy

My body shivered as I pounded on the door to Conner's house. His father opened the door, stunned at my appearance. "Um, 'ello, Shiloh..."

"Please, I-I need to talk to C-Conner," I said, my teeth chattering in the freezing June night air. Has it even been this cold in spring before?

"I wouldn't if I was yeh. He is, um... Furious, to say the least..."

"I don’t care! I don’t, I don’t care... Please!" I begged, beginning to shiver. My thin jacket was doing nothing against the cold. Why did Sheffield have to have such shitty weather?

"Shiloh, I'm sorry, he just doesn’t-" I ran in, past his father, knowing he'd never let me in. I felt like a mad women as I flung Conner's door open.

Conner's eyes grew wide, staring at me. Only it wasn’t me. It was the terrible, mixed up person I'd become. The girl he once knew wasn’t here. Instead, he had the girl he thought he knew, with a tear stained face, and a broken heart. "Shiloh, what the hell are yeh doing here?"

Running my hands through my hair, I realized I should have planned ahead for this. "Conner, I know you don’t ever want to speak to me again. And I completely deserve that. You deserve so much more than me. But I'm scared, Conner. I never wanted what happened with Oliver to happen. But nothing I did stopped it. And I'm scared what else is going to happen. Conner, you were my only reason to try and fight him. Even if I always lost, I'd still have you. No one has ever treated me the way you have. Conner, I've never felt so... alive, as I do when I'm with you. And I'm scared of what is going to happen without you. I... I love you, so much. So fucking much. Con, please..."

At that moment, it was almost true. Maybe I didn’t love Conner. But I was scared. I loved the way I felt around him. That was close enough, wasn’t it?

Conner blinked a few times, like he was still trying to process what this crazed girl was saying to him. He opened his mouth, as if to speak, but quickly shut it. Instead, he stood up, striding across the room to me.

"I should 'ate yeh. I really should," he whispered, and I prepared myself for the worst. "I should 'ate the fact that yeh keep lying to me, and I should 'ate the fact yeh have been cheating on meh for god knows how long. 'onestly, I should 'ate every single thing about yeh. But really, I just hate that I can't hate yeh." With that, he wrapped his arms around me.

Breathing in his scent, guilt swallowed me up. I was ready to scream at him, that he couldn’t take me back, that it would just happen again and again. I wanted to shout that he was way too good for me, and should throw me to the curb while he had the chance. Every time I said those three deadly words, I was doing nothing but giving him more and more false hope.

I used to like Conner. Mainly because he wasn’tOliver, but still. But if he honestly takes you back, I have no hope left in humanity.

The fact I agreed completely with Sierra made me feel so much worse.

"I love yeh so much, Shiloh. Please, don’t ever leave meh," he whispered against the top of my head, pressing kisses into my red hair.

"I love you, too," I whispered, knots twisting in the pit of my stomach.

"I want yeh, Shiloh. I want all of yeh, and only yeh..." He whispered, his kisses trailing down my cheek, and to my neck. For a moment, I thought it was worth it. That maybe I could love Conner. We would be each other's first everything.

Until I remember, Oliver claimed my virginity already.

"Are you sure?" I whisper, unsure. Deep down, I know I don’t want this. I knew, all I could do was compare him to Oli. I didn’t want that to happen. It should be Conner, and only Conner.

"I'm positive," he whispered, kissing me gently on my lips. Conner was so sure, so ready to completely commit to this relationship. He felt love. And I couldn’t.

You dug this grave for yourself. Take a deep breath, baby girl. You're about to get buried alive.