Miss Space Case

My mom has always been somewhat normal. She makes me food, she buys me anything I want, and she wears mom pants. Hell, she even goes to a book club. But, two things have left her the odd one out amongst most moms. Number one, she spends her time idolizing old eighties rock bands. Hence why she shops at the nearest Goodwill religiously. She has two closets packed with hideous t-shirts that are adorned with big hair and spandex. Number two, she hasn’t had a boyfriend for the entire lifespan of my very short life of eighteen years. But now, as I glance at her old wrinkled face I can see traces of love sickness. The sight was enough for me to run to the nearest trashcan. Who was this mysterious man who has made my mom’s brain turn to mush? I don’t really care at the moment. I might have to send a thank you card, because single-handily, this man has made my mission so much easier. Thank you kind stranger!

I sat at our old wooden table that resided in the middle of our brightly lit kitchen. My mom didn’t seem to notice my presence as I blocked her view of the window that overlooked our backyard. Still nothing. This is going to be a piece of cake. My fingers started to trace little patterns on the smooth surface of our oak dinner table. My eyes moved towards the ceiling jumping across until I finally rested on the skylight that hung directly above my head. The clouds looked blue and calm. I took this as a good sign.

“Hey mom.” Her eyes snapped towards mine, she was still halfway in a trance. I better make my move fast.

“What can I do for you honey?”

I put on my best puppy-dog-face. I was always her good child. So I think it will work.

“Mom can I-“

“Wait a second I think someone is calling me.”

She fished for our more than outdated phone on the wall behind her, and proceeded to hold it up to her right ear. A smile formed on her lips as she registered who was on the phone with her. She paced back and forth on the worn linoleum floor. I stared at her for minutes on end as she giggled, blushed, and mush-talked to this mysterious stranger. After about 3 billion years of pure torture she finally hung up. She slowly lifted her arm back to put our outdated phone back on the receiver. The mint green chord swayed slightly as she tried to regain her heartbeat from her conversation with lover boy. Just seeing her this wound up makes me feel like finding my own prince charming. Just kidding. Or maybe not. I really don’t want to know.

My mom suddenly turned towards me showing me the sickly sweet smile that seemed to be permanently etched onto tanned face. She clapped her hands together nearly making me fly out of my seat from the loud sting I felt as soon as the sound hit my ears.

“Oh honey,” her voice sounded as sticky and sweet as honey too. “You just have to meet him! He’s the most gorgeous creature to ever walk the planet.”

Insert gag here.

“I’ve only been seeing him for a week but I just feel so in love!”

Sometimes I think that I’m the parent of this 45-year-old woman.

“We’re going to meet up with him tonight. Oh what shall I wear?”

Soon her eyes switched to mine, thoughts flying through her mind. I could just see the steam floating from her ears from all of the wheels that were turning in that skull of hers. Her eyes seemed to fade darker by four shades. Her ratty sneaker-covered feet slowly slid towards my cowering body that was now lodged into the corner. Please, oh god no! The word slipped out of her mouth slinging an invisible bomb right in my face.

“Dress.”

“Ew.” It was the word I despised the most. I could see ruffles unfurl in my mind making me throw up about 3 unicorns and a rainbow. I rolled my eyes and upturned an eyebrow, as if to question her sanity.

“Yes. You will wear a dress. I want you to actually look like a decent girl tonight.”

She tackled me like a football player, and practically tore off my arm by dragging me up the stairs in a mess of kicking, screaming, and yes, biting. Let's just say that she wasn’t taking me down without a fight. She ripped open my small closet pushing all of the clothes to the side. In that moment I have to confess I wished that Narnia was real. Because I didn’t want to see the hideous pile of unworn dresses that lurked in my closet. She fought in a forest of clothing for two minutes until she came across a bulky Christmas sweater that was carrying more than it’s own weight. Oh shit. Mom! Oh please have a blonde moment! Please be stupid! She pushed the sweater towards the other clothes and surveyed the white wall ahead of her. She unexpectedly pulled the ugly knitted sweater back towards the wall inspecting it with her eyes before taking it off the hanger and hurtling it towards me.

“You think that you can trick me that easily! Huh! Well, you better be out of your bathroom in 30 minutes or else I’m going to break down the door and take you with me. So If I were you, I would pick a dress fast before you humiliate yourself by going in your underwear.”

She Pushed me into the bathroom and locked the door from the outside. Shit, shit, shit.

“Damn it mom! I’m seriously going to kill you!”

“Frances Nicoline Haneul! Watch your language young lady!”

I waited until I heard the floorboards squeak out in the hallway. Goosebumps climbed up my arms from her usage of my name. Now you know why I go by Frankie. I picked up the sweater and dumped out all of the dresses on the floor. I inspected each and every one of them, throwing the ones with ruffles over my shoulder. Finally, I was left with only two out of the original 10. One was a pink, low cut, and very revealing. The second was an ugly royal blue that was very short, form-fitting, and had a boat neck with long sleeves. After about one second of thought, I threw the pink dress next to the other rejects. I was never a pink type of girl. I hate pink. As soon as I slipped on the blue dress I instantly regretted it. I had to say, I looked pretty hot. But I didn’t like it. Being hot came with attention. I hate attention.

I pulled out an old makeup bag that was from the beginning of high school. I had left it untouched until now. But, as I opened up the bag a thought struck my mind. The makeup went bad! Oh no! If I had to wear a dress I was going to go all out. Darn it! I wanted to break somebody’s poor heart tonight. I looked at the door for a minute thinking. I got it! My hand rose to he cold metal of the doorknob. Twisting it until the door sprang open. She tricked me! The door was unlocked all of this time.

I looked left and right searching for the one and only person in the household, my mother. This is going to be as easy as pie. I crept up to the hallway looking left, right, and back to the left. God, I felt like I was driving for goodness sake. According to my driving experiences, I was supposed to proceed with caution, which is exactly what I did. I got to my mom’s room and listened quietly for her voice. Within a couple of moments I pinpointed her location. She was in her walk in closet. Probably talking on the phone, or to herself.

I ran to her bathroom and locked the door behind me. I opened the circular handle of the drawer that held the magical makeup bag. I ripped it open looking for the black eyeliner, and proceeded to lightly line my eyes. Then I searched for the mascara and thickly coated my lashes with the black gooey substance. Next I painted my cheeks with a pale pink blush, and put a coat of light nude pink lipstick across my lips. My eyes slowly traveled towards the mirror that hung gleaming under the florescent lights. My god, did I look sexy. I dumped the bag and all of its’ contents back into the drawer, and shot out of my moms room and into my own. As soon as both of my feet landed on the beige carpet of my room my mom sped in.

“Oh my god! My daughter looks precious!”

She ran to my closet and dug around until she found two silver ballerina flats that looked practically new besides their age of three years old. Unexpectedly the doorbell started to shrill in the sound of chimes. She dragged me down the stairs and shoved the shoes on my feet. Her hands began to pat down the nest of short dark brown hair atop my head. The sides of her mouth twitched into a smile.

“Perfect” She half-whispered.

She calmly walked to the door and opened it slowly revealing the man that has left my moms' brain in mush. Wow, was all that I could say. Wow. It wasn’t a good wow either.