The Past Belongs In The Past
Chapter One: The Box
Anna’s POV
“Madison, honey, do you want baked beans or spaghetti for lunch?”
“Ice cream!” demanded the little girl in the Betty Boop t-shirt, her dark brown curls flying everywhere.
“Maddie.” I said with a stern face. “Beans, spaghetti or bedtime?”
The little girl let out a tinkling laugh “Beans.”
“Pardon?” I asked politely.
“Beans please.” She said with an angelic smile.
I bent down and kissed her on her little three year old cheek “You can go watch Dora if you want.”
“I want…Bee Gees!” her eyes lighting up.
I groaned “No Maddie, no more Bee Gees…”
“Bee Gees!”
She was going though a phase where she’d play my old Bee Gees records -actual records- over and over again and sing along even though she has no idea what the lyrics are. It was cute the first few days, now if I ever hear Jive Talkin’ again I am likely to throw something heavy.
I sensed an impending tantrum coming on.
“Hey did I tell you auntie Marty was coming over to look after you tonight?” I said quickly.
“Shi-Shi!” she cried happily, forgetting completely that she wasn’t getting her way.
I have no idea where the name ‘shi-shi’ came from but Madison insisted on calling my friend Marty it.
“You know how much Marty loves when you tell her all those Spanish words you’ve learnt. Why don’t you go watch Dora so you have some new ones for tonight?”
“Okay.” And she began to run off but stopped in the doorway between our kitchen/dining room and our lounge. “Mummy where’s Sham?”
“He’s under your bed.”
“Oh yeah!” And she ran off in search of her blanket.
I waited until I could hear the TV jingle before I opened the baked beans can, poured the contents into a jug and put it in the microwave.
“Do you want toast too?” I called into the adjoining room
“Cut into soldiers.” Yelled back a little voice.
I put some bread into the old toaster.
I sighed, sat down at our little makeshift dining room table and opened my textbooks. I was trying to do a course from home on running a business, but when you’re a twenty-two-year-old single mum with a three-year-old and a job that doesn’t pay quite enough, your own education isn’t exactly top priority.
By the time I was set up to do anything resembling study the toast had popped, the microwave started beeping in that constant and annoying way it does and I had to clear the table again for lunch.
I sighed again and called out to Madison who didn’t reply.
“Maddie?” I wandered out of the kitchen and into the small lounge to find that it was empty but for the television, which was still telling me how to get to the Cookie Cave. Over the bridge and past the big red rock which always turns out not to be a rock at all.
“Madison? Honey, where are you?” I called out
I went into our hallway, which has five doors off of it: My room, Madison’s room, the kitchen/dining room, the lounge and the bathroom. Those five rooms basically make up our tiny little apartment.
I looked in Madison’s room but it was empty. Same with the bathroom.
“Madison, tell mummy where you are right now.” I called to the mostly silent house.
Then came the little giggle, which sounded like it was coming from the last room, my room.
I went inside. The closet door was open and I could see a crouching three-year-old shaped lump hidden underneath one of my coats, which just happened to be on the floor of the closet.
“Now I wonder where Madison could be?” I mused to the ‘empty’ room. The lump shook and giggled. “I guess I’ll have to eat all of the iced animal biscuits I bought all by myself. Oh what a shame, they are the favourite of a little girl I know.”
“Graar!” Madison growled as she jumped out at me from under the coat.
“I was so scared! I thought there was a lion in my closet!” I humoured “Come on miss lion, time for lunch.”
Madison looked up at me with her big brown eyes “Mummy what do lions eat?”
“Baked beans of course!” I told her.
I left the room and went back into the kitchen. I had thought Madison was following but when I turned around she wasn’t there. I walked back to the bedroom. She was still standing in my closet with her back to me looking at something I couldn’t see.
“What’s up chickadee?” I asked her trying to see what she was looking at.
“Hey mummy what’s this?” she said holding up a t-shirt. The shirt was black with bold red scribbled writing printed across it and was ripped at the bottom. My breath caught in my throat when I saw it.
“Oh they are so fucking awesome!” I screamed pulling them out of the box.
“You get the first one.” He told me.
“No!” I exclaimed.
“Yes.” He said pulling off my t-shirt and putting on the new one.
“Perfect.” He muttered.
“Perfect.” I repeated excitedly looking down at it.
“I was talking about you.” He said pulling me towards him.
“Oh well you’re not so bad yourself.” I giggled and he kissed me passionately.
“I love you.” He whispered into my neck as he kissed it.
“I love you too.” I whispered back.
“Oh it’s nothing.” I said and quickly stuffed it back into the box with the rest of the stuff I kept out of sight.
Out of sight from whom though? From myself mostly.
“It wasn’t nothing mummy! It was cool!” Madison said excitedly. “Why was it in the back of your wardrobe?”
“It’s just old stuff I don’t want to throw away yet.” I told her, shoving the box back into depths of my wardrobe. “Come and get some lunch before it gets cold.”
Let go of the past, Anna. It’s only you and Madison now. No one else.
I led her back to the kitchen and set her up with her beans and toast. I then started to clean up and get lost in my own thoughts.
Ergh, that box. I can’t bring myself to throw that stuff away but I can’t stand it all.
“Mum?” I was suddenly jolted out of my thoughts by Madison’s appeal. “Mummy, does that box have to do with my daddy?”
I dropped the plastic bowl I had been cleaning and it went crashing to the lino floor.
“Uh...What makes you say that, sweetie?” I asked as calmly as I could but my nerves were frazzled.
“You’re making that face.” She said tilting her head slightly.
“What face?”
“The face you make when we talk about daddy.”
“Oh. No sweet heart, now eat your toast.” I lied.
I hate lying to her but telling her the truth meant admitting to myself that he even existed.
Yet after almost four years I couldn’t do even that.
“Madison, honey, do you want baked beans or spaghetti for lunch?”
“Ice cream!” demanded the little girl in the Betty Boop t-shirt, her dark brown curls flying everywhere.
“Maddie.” I said with a stern face. “Beans, spaghetti or bedtime?”
The little girl let out a tinkling laugh “Beans.”
“Pardon?” I asked politely.
“Beans please.” She said with an angelic smile.
I bent down and kissed her on her little three year old cheek “You can go watch Dora if you want.”
“I want…Bee Gees!” her eyes lighting up.
I groaned “No Maddie, no more Bee Gees…”
“Bee Gees!”
She was going though a phase where she’d play my old Bee Gees records -actual records- over and over again and sing along even though she has no idea what the lyrics are. It was cute the first few days, now if I ever hear Jive Talkin’ again I am likely to throw something heavy.
I sensed an impending tantrum coming on.
“Hey did I tell you auntie Marty was coming over to look after you tonight?” I said quickly.
“Shi-Shi!” she cried happily, forgetting completely that she wasn’t getting her way.
I have no idea where the name ‘shi-shi’ came from but Madison insisted on calling my friend Marty it.
“You know how much Marty loves when you tell her all those Spanish words you’ve learnt. Why don’t you go watch Dora so you have some new ones for tonight?”
“Okay.” And she began to run off but stopped in the doorway between our kitchen/dining room and our lounge. “Mummy where’s Sham?”
“He’s under your bed.”
“Oh yeah!” And she ran off in search of her blanket.
I waited until I could hear the TV jingle before I opened the baked beans can, poured the contents into a jug and put it in the microwave.
“Do you want toast too?” I called into the adjoining room
“Cut into soldiers.” Yelled back a little voice.
I put some bread into the old toaster.
I sighed, sat down at our little makeshift dining room table and opened my textbooks. I was trying to do a course from home on running a business, but when you’re a twenty-two-year-old single mum with a three-year-old and a job that doesn’t pay quite enough, your own education isn’t exactly top priority.
By the time I was set up to do anything resembling study the toast had popped, the microwave started beeping in that constant and annoying way it does and I had to clear the table again for lunch.
I sighed again and called out to Madison who didn’t reply.
“Maddie?” I wandered out of the kitchen and into the small lounge to find that it was empty but for the television, which was still telling me how to get to the Cookie Cave. Over the bridge and past the big red rock which always turns out not to be a rock at all.
“Madison? Honey, where are you?” I called out
I went into our hallway, which has five doors off of it: My room, Madison’s room, the kitchen/dining room, the lounge and the bathroom. Those five rooms basically make up our tiny little apartment.
I looked in Madison’s room but it was empty. Same with the bathroom.
“Madison, tell mummy where you are right now.” I called to the mostly silent house.
Then came the little giggle, which sounded like it was coming from the last room, my room.
I went inside. The closet door was open and I could see a crouching three-year-old shaped lump hidden underneath one of my coats, which just happened to be on the floor of the closet.
“Now I wonder where Madison could be?” I mused to the ‘empty’ room. The lump shook and giggled. “I guess I’ll have to eat all of the iced animal biscuits I bought all by myself. Oh what a shame, they are the favourite of a little girl I know.”
“Graar!” Madison growled as she jumped out at me from under the coat.
“I was so scared! I thought there was a lion in my closet!” I humoured “Come on miss lion, time for lunch.”
Madison looked up at me with her big brown eyes “Mummy what do lions eat?”
“Baked beans of course!” I told her.
I left the room and went back into the kitchen. I had thought Madison was following but when I turned around she wasn’t there. I walked back to the bedroom. She was still standing in my closet with her back to me looking at something I couldn’t see.
“What’s up chickadee?” I asked her trying to see what she was looking at.
“Hey mummy what’s this?” she said holding up a t-shirt. The shirt was black with bold red scribbled writing printed across it and was ripped at the bottom. My breath caught in my throat when I saw it.
“Oh they are so fucking awesome!” I screamed pulling them out of the box.
“You get the first one.” He told me.
“No!” I exclaimed.
“Yes.” He said pulling off my t-shirt and putting on the new one.
“Perfect.” He muttered.
“Perfect.” I repeated excitedly looking down at it.
“I was talking about you.” He said pulling me towards him.
“Oh well you’re not so bad yourself.” I giggled and he kissed me passionately.
“I love you.” He whispered into my neck as he kissed it.
“I love you too.” I whispered back.
“Oh it’s nothing.” I said and quickly stuffed it back into the box with the rest of the stuff I kept out of sight.
Out of sight from whom though? From myself mostly.
“It wasn’t nothing mummy! It was cool!” Madison said excitedly. “Why was it in the back of your wardrobe?”
“It’s just old stuff I don’t want to throw away yet.” I told her, shoving the box back into depths of my wardrobe. “Come and get some lunch before it gets cold.”
Let go of the past, Anna. It’s only you and Madison now. No one else.
I led her back to the kitchen and set her up with her beans and toast. I then started to clean up and get lost in my own thoughts.
Ergh, that box. I can’t bring myself to throw that stuff away but I can’t stand it all.
“Mum?” I was suddenly jolted out of my thoughts by Madison’s appeal. “Mummy, does that box have to do with my daddy?”
I dropped the plastic bowl I had been cleaning and it went crashing to the lino floor.
“Uh...What makes you say that, sweetie?” I asked as calmly as I could but my nerves were frazzled.
“You’re making that face.” She said tilting her head slightly.
“What face?”
“The face you make when we talk about daddy.”
“Oh. No sweet heart, now eat your toast.” I lied.
I hate lying to her but telling her the truth meant admitting to myself that he even existed.
Yet after almost four years I couldn’t do even that.