Shattered and Healed

When leaving the stage Emil felt like saying good bye forever. And actually that was just what he did today.
Last show.
Last show with the Deathstars.
Nothing his head wanted to really realize now, but it was like it was. He came to that decision some days ago. It would be better to abandon the band now. For several reasons.
The guys all knew about his decision but they kept wondering why.
Of course it was pretty hard at the moment for the older guitarist. He just broke up with Ewelina for some reason nobody knew about and he wasn’t that man anymore he used to be before. What shit ever might have happened during the last few weeks or even months they all were sure it must have been hard for Emil.
The guitarist had told them about leaving the band the day before. Of course they had tried to convince him to stay with them but he had just showed up with a slight smile, saying everything would be better than.
Eric had even promised him to stop bothering him that much every time. While saying so his eyes were filled with tears, he was telling Emil to stay and that he was sorry for all the shit he had done to him (even though it was nothing the other guitarist had ever quit for). But the older man had just smiled back, telling him it would be okay and that wasn’t the reason why he decided to leave Deathstars behind him.
Cat had just started to use force on him then, when Andreas pulled him away softly saying that it would change everything if he started to blackmail Emil now with stupid stuff they had all long forgotten about. Except Cat of course. If he wanted he would have the memory of an elephant.

The only one saying nothing to it all was Ole. Sitting abnormally quiet on the couch watching them, he had just glanced over to Emil with a gaze the other one couldn’t define. This was when he just told himself that it would be the best to ignore the drummer right away. He should have done so earlier, then he would have his wife back and his whole life wouldn’t have changed the way it did. But it wasn’t the drummer’s fault at all, Emil told himself. It was his fault alone. The shorter man hadn’t forced him to fall in love with him, he hadn’t forced him for the unbelievable great sex they had, and he hadn’t forced him to tell Ewelina what happened. Actually he did nothing but being there for the guitarist, being there for him as he always wanted it. He got the impression that the drummer was somehow made for him. They fitted together. In some weird way got addicted to him.

Shaking his head to get rid of the unwanted thoughts Emil opened the door to the changing room, his friends following shortly after. They were all quiet. And exactly this drove him totally crazy. They were never quiet. The band was always loud, and even if it was just fucking Cat babble rubbish, they would soon join him. Talking and laughing, that was what Emil loved about his band. And he really wanted to keep them as a memory as they used to be, not as they were in this very moment when some bye-mood spread through the room.
“C’mon I’m not gone forever”, he sighed, turning around and facing his friends that sat dejected on the couch, floor or chairs. He knew it was a lie, he wanted to go forever. Never seeing the guys again, no matter how hard it was.
“Pf... of course... you will be just far away in fucking USA”, Eric mumbled, fixing his gaze on the older man’s eyes, making Emil feeling totally uncomfortable.
“Since when did they abolish the phone?” he tried a smile but failed as he saw Eric’s hurt expression. Damn, why did the boy make the whole situation even more complicated than it just was now? The boy had a nose for making things worse.
He sighed and turned around then, going on putting his stuff together for one last time.

It really hurt his heart to think so. He didn’t want to leave, he wanted to stay with the guys forever, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t live with the drummer around him anymore, he had just lost everything that gave him some hold in life and now he was going to quit the band that meant everything to him. A heavy and perhaps final step for the guitarist but he had to try. After seeing Ewelina leaving, seeing his world being shattered to the ground in just a few minutes, he suddenly felt so displaced in the band, in his family, in his whole fucking life. There was no use in going on like this and feeling more depressed everyday. He found it better to leave everything behind now, making a try to start a new life somewhere else and if that was impossible for some reason... he would just give a damn and commit suicide. A thought that had became quite familiar to Emil in the last few days.

Without realizing he had packed his bag. So that was it... Soon he would sit in the plane, finally erasing good old Sweden out of his mind.
“Emil... we gotta talk!” the low voice made him shiver. What did the god damn drummer want now? After ignoring the fact that he had played a big role in turning Emil’s life upside down? After giving a damn how the younger man felt, how he suffered? Why did he come now when the shit was nearly over for the guitarist?
He closed the bag and turned around slowly, facing Ole who was still sitting on the old, worn out couch. He didn’t look at him, which twinged his heart deeply. He wanted to talk? He could talk with the dust he left behind when stepping out through this door.
“I don’t know what we should talk about!” he glared at the other man’s face coldly, realizing that it didn’t rake him anything in because the drummer kept looking through the window.
Emil noticed that Andreas gave the other two a sign to leave the two of them alone and it annoyed the hell out of the guitarist. Why did he just clarify that he didn’t want to talk to Ole at all when being left alone with him anyway? Sometimes he wanted to slap his band mates right in the face.
“What do you want?” he asked when the door was closed behind the others.
It was silent for a moment, the drummer didn’t move a centimeter and Emil got the impression he had just frozen in front of his eyes.

“Could you please say something, god damn it?” Emil hissed forming his hands to fists. This guy drove him crazy. Totally crazy. But Ole kept quiet. He just sat there with his eyes not even focusing the younger man. The guitarist felt like being kidded. What was Ole thinking he could do with him?
“As I see you have nothing left to tell me, Bone” Emil felt odd when using this pseudonym for his friend but he just felt like it. He had to show the other one that he was hurt, deeply hurt. In any way he could. He picked up his bag from the small table he had put it on to pack it and shouldered it. He couldn’t turn around now facing the older man, he just couldn’t.
That was why he headed towards the door, strangely very slow as if he was waiting for some reaction that he knew he wouldn’t get. Just as always.

“I’m sorry, Emil”
A quiet voice made him stop right in front of the door. He had just laid his hand on the knob when he somehow froze in his motion.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, really.”
It was the first time for Emil hearing Ole saying sorry to anybody. This really felt like a dream, a fucking dream.
“But you did… well, actually it’s not even your fault. It’s mine… simply mine. So no need to feel like you have to excuse now”
Emil knew it was true what he said, it felt in some way good to hear that the drummer was sorry for hurting him. But he had to say this sentence because it was something he had thought about some days ago. He had thought about what to tell when exactly this discussion would come up.
“Don’t lie to yourself, Emil… you did that far too long. Just as you are doing now” Ole sighed deeply. The guitarist could hear him stand up and walk across the room just to stop directly behind him. He could feel the other man’s breath briefly touched his neck and made him shiver slightly. That was the point when wanted nothing but touching Ole.
“I don’t lie” he replied weakly, shivering even more when Ole let out a deep sigh again. From one moment to another Emil’s bag got heavier, just as his whole body did. He wasn’t able to move even a little and leaving now even less. Something about Ole kept him standing here and waiting. Waiting for the older man to move, to speak, to do anything that broke the silence that lay above them again. Emil got nervous; he started biting his bottom lip but didn’t turn around to face the drummer.

He heard the older one sighing again as he wrapped his strong arms around Emil’s slim chest and pulled him towards himself. The guitarist let go of the bag that thudded on the floor and leaned against Ole. He felt so safe, so comfortable. This was a moment when Emil, once again, felt like dying. It felt so good, so right, but he knew in a way it wasn’t.
He sensed Ole burying his nose in the crook of his neck, breathing slightly against it and sending hot and cold shivers down Emil’s spine. He never wanted to let go again, he wanted to stay like this forever, frozen in the moment, frozen forever. He knew they couldn’t, this was life. This wasn’t one of his stupid dreams about being happily together, spending all day with kissing, cuddling and sex. This was life, this was work and this was no fucking miracle or dream story, which was shown on TV.
Ole placed short, small kisses on his neck, making the guitarist melt under his mouth and hands that caressed his waist. Fuck, he didn’t want that, he wanted to older man to stop.
But before Emil could even think about how to get away from the drummer, he let go of him. With a confused gaze the guitarist looked over his shoulder but gasped soon after as he was turned around forcefully. He blinked carefully, somehow waiting for anything to happen next, but when nothing did he looked up into the tear filled eyes of the drummer.
Now he was completely confused. Was that a damn show or what? Where were the cameras and his other band mates? Emil opened his mouth to ask something, to say something vicious but nothing came to his mind. There was only a big black hole where his thoughts used to be before, a pitch-black nothing. And again it felt like time was standing still, even when Ole grabbed him and wrapped his arms around him to pull him as close as he could, whispering quiet excuses against his pale skin.

He wasn’t able to move for ages as it seemed to Emil before he managed to wrap his arms around the now crying man, who was leaning towards him and hiding his face in his hair, and brushing carefully over the black, lank hair to show him he was there for him. He didn’t understand what drove the man into crying now, but he was sure he had to stay now. No matter how hurt Emil felt, he couldn’t leave the one he loved alone like this, he wasn’t so heartless at all.
“Shh” he whispered calmingly unsure what to do. Actually he was not used to see the older crying; he had always been the calm, slightly crazy and quiet one of the band. Emil wouldn’t say he saw Ole as somehow emotionless but he was good in hiding what was going on, on his mind. Seeing him like this now threw him right off the track. But still he wasn’t sure what he made him cry, he had said nothing that hadn’t been clear before. Nothing new, nothing special. He was just quitting the band, as Ole should know.

It took the man a long time to calm down though he continued quietly sobbing.
“Don’t leave, Emil, please don’t leave” he pled, holding him very tight as if he was afraid of Emil leaving immediately when he told him to stay.
“Ole, I…” he started but bit his tongue when seeing the hurt face.
How could the drummer manage something even Cat failed at? How could he just look at him and make him regret ever thinking about leaving his mates behind? How could he now behave the way Emil loved it? Yes, he loved the ‘real’ Ole. Not Bone W Machine, who was flirty, somehow mean and slightly evil if he wanted.
He just looked at him with eyes that were red by crying, he had this suppliant gaze. Emil couldn’t resist but leaned forward kissing him cautiously before he pulled away and looked at him as if he had done something really bad and wrong.
But Ole just smiled lightly and petted the other man’s check softly. But then he looked down, swallowing hard and let go of Emil, who grimaced disappointed. He really wanted this to last longer, far longer.
He sighed and focused the drummer again, this time with a more puzzled glance. He looked like he was doing some kind of search for the right words but he didn’t say anything at all.
“Ole, c’mon … what’s up?” Emil finally asked totally aware of the fact that this was what he didn’t want to do from the very beginning on. But he had to, he felt like helping the other man now was the ‘rightest’ thing he ever did.
“Emil… I… I am so sorry… god damn it, everything I wanted to tell you all the time was… that I like you… really like you. And fuck I hate myself for knowing that you fell in love with me and still hesitating to tell you I feel the same for you. But… I didn’t know what to do when you broke up with Ewelina and before… I… I just didn’t want to stand between you two because you were that kinda couple that just fit together… but when you two parted ways I… I just didn’t know why to do, ya know? My god, I was such a stupid bloody idiot, for god’s sake. I wanted to tell you before… I really wanted to” It burst all out of Ole, wildly gesturing and seeming as if he was going to break out in tears once again.

Emil was baffled for a long time, looking at Ole as if he was an alien coming from outta space and being green and having big, strange eyes. He just kept staring at the older wide-eyed, confused and shocked and Ole could have done a handstand now without Emil noticing it. The information got really slowly through his brain and it took him ages to realize what Ole had said.
“W-what…?” he stuttered, still not able to close his mouth after his jaw hinged down. He wasn’t going to tell Emil what the man thought he had understood from Ole’s speech, was he? That… was… He didn’t find words for it. A warm feeling spread through his whole body when repeating the words in his head that Ole had just said. I love you, I love you.
Emil’s cheeks slightly flushed red when he thought of it over and over again, but he didn’t notice it. He kept staring.
Ole sighed deeply again, smiling somehow lost and trying to brush the tears away that ran over his cheeks slowly.
“I love you” he mumbled and his smile faded, looking so damn serious like Emil had never seen him before. Ever!

When the guitarist had the feeling his heart would stop immediately as Ole told him about why he had behaved the way he had, he now got the impression it was being in super high-speed. It seemed to him as if it wanted to go through his chest, meeting Ole’s and being together happily ever after.
That was the point when Emil forced his thoughts to shut up, because he was thinking fucking bullshit, and when he went a step towards Ole and kissed him deeply.
This was everything he had dreamed of, he was happy.
Tears flushed his eyes, running down his pink cheeks but neither he nor Ole really cared.

“So, I hope you will stay now” An amused voices pulled them into reality again and they scattered quickly turning their heads towards the source of sound. It was Andreas leaning in the door frame and smirking at them widely while Jonas was looking grinning over his shoulder towards what was happening in the room. They could hear Eric being all furious about not being able to see anything because the other two men were way too tall for him. And too fat as Eric just put it in order to get them away from the door but it didn’t help.
Emil smiled slightly and cuddled up to Ole who wrapped his arms protectively around the other man’s body, showing a happy smile as well.
“We’ll take that as a ‘yes’” Andreas laughed but shutting up when Eric lunged on his back and both of them nearly kissed the floor because the singer was too surprised to react proper to the sudden weight on his shoulders. But the bassist was able to prevent them from some pain by holding Andreas the best he could.
Ole laughed quietly but gave Emil’s shoulder a light kiss then which made the younger smile even more.
Yes, he was happy now and he would stay. Stay forever with the guys.
Suddenly that idea of leaving them seemed so abstruse to him. He just needed to talk to Ole and everything turned out right. He felt like flying on fluffy clouds and being so light that he was able to fly.
Leaning against Ole with his arms around him felt so damn right that he was just able to purr hushed and buried his nose in near to the man’s neck.

He felt so damn good, being in Ole’s arms, knowing that he loved him, having the other guys around them, laughing, babbling shit (what mostly Eric did as always). He was just happy and high and… Finally he felt loved again. A feeling he had missed the last months.
Indeed, he had been shattered… but also healed again.
Shattered and healed.