Like a Fool

"You never used to judge people on what they looked like, or what circles they ran in. Hell that's how Johnny got into this group! You though he had potential and we all though he was just a twerp."

"Well the funny thing is Johnny never tried to run me over with a car! He never called me an emo bitch, he never came in my house and insulted me, he never called me a whore to your face! Johnny is actually a good person!"

"Look I can't control what she does anymore than I can control what you do! But this is about you and me."

"So you can bring up Adam but I can't bring up Lexi? Why have you be come so hypocritical all the sudden?! You are so frustrating!" I groaned and flopped onto the bed.

"Because I don't trust Adam! I know he isn't right for you, and I know Lexi is just temporary! Yeah maybe I'll stay with her for longer than the other girls but that's because I've started to really get to know her. And she's not just a crazy bitch."

"I can take care of myself." I muttered.

"Oh really?" He snorted "Then why can't you be in a dark house alone? Then why do you cry when there's a storm? Then why did you try and find me last night in the first place? Because you can take care of yourself? Ha! Please, you need me."

I shot up from my relaxed position and glared "Never would I have though that my best friend would use my fears against me. And you know what? I don't fucking need you! I can survive a storm without you. You choose to come!" I was now yelling.

"What's going on in here?!" Mac had arrived "What's with all the yelling?"

"Nothing. Matt was just leaving. " I gave him a cold glance before turning to the window.

"And she was just having a temper tantrum because she's not the only girl in my life." He shot back.

"Oh fuck off! You're the one acting like a spoiled child just because you're not the only guy I go to when I'm in trouble!"

"Get over yourself!" He yelled "I'm spoiled if I'm trying to save you from an asshole?!"

"Stop fucking yelling!!!" Mac interrupted. "Outside! Now!" She was something fierce when she was angry, we didn't try and disobey her we just shuffled into the living room.

"Can I get some fucking pants?!" I asked once we were seated and I noticed the shirt riding a little far up for my tastes.

"No! Sit down and shut up!" She went to the back yard and left us in a stony silence. Several minutes later she came back with the rest of the guys.

"Now I'm told you two have been fighting for a while."

"No, we've been fighting since this morning!"

"Which is longer than any other fight you've had." Zacky pointed out.

"So? Why do we need all of you here to help? We're doing fine on our own." Matt said crossing his arms.

"Because when you two fucking fight the rest of us deal with the stress! We have to pick sides and we get to deal with the both of you mopping around all day!" Brian shot back.

"Sorry we're such a fucking burden! You know, I really don't have to deal with this." I shot off the couch, grabbed a pair of jeans, and left them behind. It was clear I wasn't as welcome as I thought.

"Where do you think you're going?!" Jimmy asked as they all followed me out the house.

"Where's Carleigh?" I ignored his question.

"Getting ready for our date! Which is what I should be doing but no! I have to be a referee!" Brian said angrily.

Fuck. I had no where to go. The guys are obviously sick of being caught in the middle and they shouldn't have to be. The only place I can go is home. And I really don't want to do that!

As I walked away from my friends I though of all the amazing times that were being destroyed because of Matt's man whore ways and my first boyfriend. I felt like crying, but Matt was right. If I let everything get to me then it obvious I can't take care of myself. So I blinked the moisture away from my eyes and kept walking.

I knew they weren't following me. They were too busy being sick of the fighting to care. I didn't know if I wanted them to follow me or not. Some part of me wanted the sympathy but the more grown up part said that looking for sympathy is the worst way to go. I have to grow up sometime and now was the perfect time to start.

Then it hit me. I have enough money saved up from my job at the book store, I could get a hotel room for now and look for an apartment! Then I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit! A change of scenery would be good for me.

I quickly ducked into my house and ran up to my room. Once I had the biggest suitcase I could find I started throwing clothes in haphazardly. I moved from my closet to my dresser and then looked around for things I might need. My eyes fell on a jacket Matt had given me a few years ago. I grabbed it and threw it on top of my bursting suitcase.

I finally finished, so I trudged downstairs with my suitcase in one hand, the jacket slung over my arm, and a giant stuffed bear in my other hand. I packed up my car and ran back inside to leave a note.

Mom,

I'm so sorry that it came to this but I can't stick around while he's here. I've finally gotten over the sense of betrayal and I just can't take another relapse. I'm getting a hotel room, I don't know where, and then I'll look for an apartment. I need to start living on my own. I'll be in college soon so just think of this as an early enrollment. I have my phone but I probably won't answer for a while. But I'll be fine! Don't worry too much, I'm not abandoning you like dad did. I still love you.

Cain

Tears threatened to fall as I started the ignition but I refused to let sadness wash over me. I wasn't all alone! I still had Carleigh and maybe Mac. And of course Adam! The guys don't have to pick sides this time, I'm choosing for them.

I wasn't sure which place I could afford so I chose a crappy Motel 6. As I was walking up to the counter I got a creepy vibe, but brushed it off as normal paranoia.

"Non-smoking please?"

"Just one?" The guy behind the counter asked. He looked to be about thirty or so. I really didn't trust him and didn't want him to know that I would be alone.

"No, two! My brother is going to meet me here. So can we get two twins?"

"We only have a single queen left." He seemed skeptical of my first answer.

"That's fine, we'll just get a roll-away." It seemed ridiculous to fake a brother's existence but this guy was rapist material. Would you want him knowing you're in a motel room alone?

"Room 116."

"Thanks." I walked quickly out of the lobby and parked my car so it was a few doors from my room, just in case one of the guys saw it from the street.

The room was a classic motel room. It had weird multi color bed spreads that if you picked them up would maintain the shape of the bed. A TV stood atop an old dresser. The bedside table had a dimming lamp and a bible in the drawer. The bathroom looked like a crime scene. Rust stains (that looked a little like dried blood) were all over the shower and sink, the toilet was mercifully clean, but the towels looked like they couldn't absorb heat let alone water.

I sighed and sat on the bed. As a cloud of dust rose around me I let out a sob. This is what I've been driven to? Living in a motel room because I'm too afraid to forgive my father?

Adam would have a panic attack if he saw me here. I laughed as the image of his horror stricken face danced into my mind.