Atoning

I woke to raised voices I knew well.

"Damn it, Dumbledore-how could you-"

"Severus, she will be fine."

"Her damn hand got cut off!"

"And Poppy has reattached it. She will be fine."

Severus was obviously agitated; Dumbledore was his usual unflappable self, but there was an edge to his voice.

"But you can't-"

"Both of you, stop bickering! She's awake." That was Pomfrey. "How do you feel?"

"I've been better," I said, opening my eyes. Snape was on one side of my bed, Dumbledore the other. I wiggled my fingers, and found with relief they still worked. "So, what allegedly happened?"

"Nothing. No one is to know anything. It is currently four o'clock in the morning. Umbridge cannot know about this. Officially, you have spent the night on your room, sleeping peacefully." Dumbledore's voice was quiet, but firm.

"And if someone tried to reach me last night?"

"You were sleeping soundly and did not hear them."

"Should I go back to my room now?"

"Yes. Get dressed, and Severus and I will walk you back."

I looked at Pomfrey, who nodded. She had apparently already voiced any objections and been overridden. I threw my clothes on and followed them out.

Surprisingly, we ran into nobody on our way to my room. Snape and Dumbledore followed me through the portrait.

"Hermione," Dumbledore said, I need you to tell me what happened. We have Bill and Alastor telling us you collapsed a house after you killed twelve Death Eaters in Yaxley's location. What did you do and how?"

I went through it for them, piece by piece-how I'd made Bill and Moody stay behind while I went to kill, how I'd nearly been caught the second time, how I'd Displaced and collapsed the house from the outside. How I didn't know how many I'd killed, but it was between three and four dozen-my rough count of thirty at the Lestranges' had been rushed and uncertain. No matter the number, I knew we'd dealt a crippling blow to Voldemort's forces. He had lost some of his most valuable servants, as well as a bunch of peons. He'd have an apoplectic fit if he knew that a fifteen-year-old had been to blame for it. Actually, he'd have an apoplectic fit when he heard, no matter how old the perpetrator was.

My ywans were coming thick and fast by the end of the tale."May I sleep now?" I asked.

"Of course," Snape answered, cutting off whatever Dumbledore was about to say. "Good night, Hermione.

"Good night," I replied, smiling at them. As they left, I went into the bedroom and collapsed on the comforter, falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

*~*

"So, now that you've mastered forcing your will on creatures, it's time for your next lesson," I told Potter, Draco, Luna, and Susan. "You're going to learn to duel."

Potter's and Draco's eyes lit up like Muggle fireworks, but Susan looked vaguely uncomfortable.

"The basics of dueling are the same," I told them. "Movement, blocking, attacking - you need a good mix of all three. However, dueling with the elements is much different than dueling with normal magic. You have to know exactly how much of any element is around you at any time. You have know how the different ratios will react - imagine throwing up a curtain of steam to blind an attacker, or throwing boiling water in his face. Or encasing the guy in glass - that takes earth, fire, and a little bit of air. Or even just making the air warmer or colder to distract him, or smothering him, or taking all of the air away. And that's in addition to your normal spells.

"I thought we'd try something a little different this time. Instead of teaching you one at a time, I thought we'd just start. So, Luna and Potter - Susan and Draco - if you'd partner up - yes, that's good. Luna, Potter, let's see you first. Elements as well as spells. Standard dueling - ten steps, turn and spell, wait for the other person to cast. Go."

Halfway through the duel, I was wondering if I'd made a mistake. Luna was trouncing Potter soundly; it seemed as though Potter was getting distracted by his own spells while he tried to figure out a combat use for his magic.

Ten minutes of disjointed fighting later - Luna would cast, wait for Potter to attack, cast immediately afterward, and have to wait for Potter again - I called a halt. "Susan. Draco. Your turn."

This, at least, was on a more even footing. Like Potter, Susan didn't seem to have considered combat uses. Unlike Potter, Susan was quick-witted and able to multitask. The pauses were more bearable in that both duelers were stopping to gather their thoughts.

To nobody's surprise, Draco won. What was surprising was how long it had taken him to do so and how much he was sweating when he stepped off to the side.

"Everyone sit," I said, pointing to the chairs lined against the wall. "What did we learn from today?"

"It's hard to do both kinds of magic at once," Harry said immediately. "Casting a normal block and then having to go to elemental magic and then back to a normal block was really, really difficult."

"Part of your problem is that you weren't prepared," I pointed out. "Luna figured out what she was going to do while you were readying yourself to cast, but you were standing there and waiting for the attack. At the beginning, you both had about the same amount of time. You have to look at the long-term, not just the now, Potter."

"Susan and Malfoy spent a lot of time figuring out what they were going to do," Potter protested.

"But it wasn't so one-sided. They took the time to evaluate their options, but they didn't take forever doing it. Where they spent the time deciding which action, you spent your time deciding what action. There's the rub. You have to figure out uses for your power before the other person has time to figure out blocks. Potter, what's truly sad about that duel is that you control fire. It takes creativity to come up with a use for water or air, but fire? Just throw a fireball and have done with it!

"I will tell you now - each of you has the power to stop any other's attacks. With your elements, yes, but also with your blocks. You've noticed your practical classes getting much easier, yes?" They all murmured and nodded. "That's because your meditation and practice have been growing your magic. You've been getting stronger, so your classes have been getting easier. That also means that you need to be more careful with practical demonstrations. If the four of you bring attention to your increased magical strength, you might bring unwanted attention upon yourselves. Other students will start to suspect you to be using performance enhancers, or they'll become envious of the apparent ease with which you do well in classes. Teachers will begin to notice your increased strength and bring it to your attention - and others'.

"More importantly, the news may get back to Voldemort. You do not want his attention. He may decide to try to recruit you. Some of you run a higher risk of this than others." My eyes rested on Draco for a moment. "Be very careful. Do not let anyone suspect that there is more going on than meets the eye. I've already told you that we shouldn't raise suspicions, but that was more for peace of mind than anything. Now, it is for your safety.

"Also for your safety, we will soon start Occlumency and Legilimency. I will not be teaching those to you-"

I was cut off by their reactions, which varied from gasps of surprise to murmured questions. I quirked a smile and said, "I won't be teaching you because there are things I know that you cannot until you have mastered Occlumency. When teaching this type of skill, some give-and-take is unavoidable. Until you are properly shielded, we cannot risk it. I will find a teacher, but be warned - these are part of a very difficult branch of magic. I would be astonished if you mastered it in two months. To prepare, practice shutting off your emotions before you go to bed. Imagery can help, as well - imagine something so solid nobody can get through or something so repugnant nobody will be able to look at it for long.

"Also soon, I will be trying to find a teacher for the Animagus transformation." I was cut off by their soft exclamations of surprise. "You should all be able to master this. I will probably be asking Professor McGonagall.

"But - and this is a big but - don't forget that this is OWL year for most of us. We're still in the first month of school, so it isn't a big problem yet, but remember to pay attention and get to bed on time. Your ability to perform practical magic well will mean nothing if you bomb the written section. The Animagus transformation will get you bonus points on both OWL and NEWT Transfiguration exams, and the Patronus charm will get you extra credit on the Defense exam. I believe Potter has mastered this already. Do you have any objections to teaching the rest of us?" I asked him.

Surprised, he shook his head. "Not at all."

"All right, then. Let's start. What first, Potter?"

"Now?" he blurted.

"Now," I confirmed. "From what I understand, it is difficult to master. It is a useful thing to know."

"Er, okay," he said, slowly standing up and rubbing the back of his neck. I hopped onto a desk and waited for him to continue. "Well, the first thing is, you need a really happy memory. An extremely happy one, or all you'll get is mist. You should have a fully-formed, corporeal animal. Expecto patronum!" A stag made of a strange, silvery, almost-gas material formed and galloped around the room once before dissolving in a burst of smoke. "So, everyone think of a happy memory." We all tried to come up with one; Luna and Susan's faces showed them to have found theirs long before Draco and I did. Draco's eyes lit up and my heart sank as I tried desperately to come up with something happy.

Nothing at Hogwarts would do, that much was obvious. Most of my time here had been miserable. Before I came to Hogwarts, my time had been spent keeping my father from hurting my sisters and killing me. When I got the news that my father was dead, I had felt a brief moment of happiness. Maybe that would be strong enough. I nodded to let Potter know I'd found one.

"Now, the incantation is expecto patronum," Harry reminded us. He showed us the wand movement. "The most important thing is to concentrate on your happy memory. Maybe we can eventually find a boggart and try it out."

"Why a boggart?" Luna asked.

"It turns into a dementor when I'm around," Harry replied. "Everyone try it out."

Concentrating hard on my memory of the letter from Al Zheimer, I tried the spell.

Nothing happened.

Concentrating even harder, remembering the feel of the letter in my hands, the loopy handwriting, the heat of my fire, the fullness of my stomach after the Halloween feast, I tried again.

Nothing happened.

I sighed in defeat and looked around. The other three had gotten mist and, in Luna's case, a half-formed animal that was beginning to collapse in on itself. Potter's eyes swept the room and stopped on me. He raised his eyebrows. I tried again at his silent encouragement and got nothing, not even a puff of smoke.

"What are you concentrating on?" he asked me.

"The letter telling me my father was dead," I replied. "One of the happiest moments of my life."

"Try another memory," Potter urged. "Or think of a person that you enjoy spending time with."

Thinking of Snape, I tried again. I got a very feeble mist this time. Encouraged, I focused harder on him - his sallow skin, his greasy hair, his crooked nose, his black robes, his calloused hands, his selflessness in caring for those at the House, his concern, his willingness to talk to me when I needed it or wanted it. "Expecto patronum!" Again, all I got was mist. Frowning, I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong.

"Does the memory make you feel happy?" Potter asked me. I looked around; the other three suddenly began focusing very hard on their own spells. I had the feeling it was more for my benefit than for theirs.

I thought a moment about Potter's question. "Not exactly. But it makes me feel better than I usually do."

"What are you thinking of?"

"A person whose company I enjoy very much."

"Maybe you don't enjoy it as much as you think. Think of someone else."

I glared at him. "You don't know what you're talking about, Potter. Of course I enjoy his company." I tried to think of someone else anyway.

Nobody in this room, certainly. Looking at Potter still reminded me of the betrayal and cruelty. I didn't know Susan, Luna, or Draco well at all. Luna and Susan had helped me get ready for the Yule Ball, but that made me think of Krum - which made me feel the exact opposite of happy.

Pomfrey was nice enough, but I didn't know her very well. My psychiatrist annoyed me. McGonagall, Hagrid, Sprout, Flitwick, Dumbledore, Vector, Burbage, Pince - none of them made me feel happy thinking about them.

Then again, Snape didn't make me feel happy, either. Safe, perhaps, but not happy.

My mother was definitely out. I still couldn't think about my sisters without wanting to cry. Who did that leave? Someone at the orphanage? That made me think of Tommy. Sirius made me think of Azkaban and dementors and my sisters.

"I got nothing," I told him.

He frowned. "What about just a general sense of happiness and optimism?" he suggested. "That's really what the spell feeds off, it's just easier with something to make you feel happy and optimistic." I looked to see what others were getting. Luna was starting to form what looked like a hare. Draco had something long and thin, and Susan's was something large.

I tried to make myself feel happy and optimistic. I fell short and was appalled to feel tears threaten.

Potter was close enough to see. The look on his face was a mixture of compassion, surprise, and confusion. "Er..." he began awkwardly.

"Don't say anything," I said quietly. "Please." I was ashamed to hear myself begging. He nodded and patted my shoulder.

I pulled myself together enough to say, "Our meeting time is up. If you want to stay here and keep practicing, be my guest. I, however, am going to bed."

I turned and left the room. Walking briskly, I made it to my rooms five minutes before curfew. I turned the shower on as hot as it would go and let the scalding water burn my body as I cried.