Rally up the Demons of Your Soul

The sun was starting to creep away setting a low beating of light on his face. He stood with his hands in his pockets, staring out to the city. But he always looked beyond that. He always saw more than what the world had to offer. His hair gently swayed now and again as a small welcoming breeze enveloped us. I gently wrapped a small jacket around his small shoulders and let my hands rest on them. I felt him breathe in and hold the small breath in his chest. I let my head sink and rest it between his neck and shoulder.

“Why don’t you come back in? American Idol is about to start.” He gave a soft laugh that I’ve already repeated in my head so many time its now a part of me. I let my hands travel down his arms and I wrapped them around his waist and pulling him closer to me, frightened I might lose him to his own mind.

“How do you think the kids will survive after us?” I lifted my head and let Billie turn around to meet my gaze. I struggled a smile, not liking to think about what happens after. I like to take control of what happens and what I can do now. “We’ve raised them well.” Billie smiled and held onto my hands. It was as if he was comforting a child.

“But we haven’t raised the world. We can’t take control of what happens out there.” Billie’s eyes glazed over with worry and I felt it to. What would happen to our babies? I don’t care if when they’re 20 years of age – they will still be our babies. With climate change and economy crisis going on and being blasted on the news along with war and horror – what will happen?

Billie held my hand and lead me over to the bench near the small flower bed we tried keeping alive. He wrapped me in his arms and I rested my head on his shoulder.

“You can’t save the whole world Billie. As much as you’d like to try.” Billie’s hand stroked my back and planted a small kiss on my head. This time I held my breath and held it close in my chest. It was a mixture of the sun, the flowers and my glorious husband. For that small split of a second, I felt so content.

Billie sighed and rested his head on mine. The warmth filled me and I didn’t want to move a fraction of an inch in case it would destroy it. I let a small smile escape. “I know, but how do we teach them not to get scared and face the world Adie?” I breathed in deeply. Facing your fears is tough, I know that. But I never expected to take so much responsibility into my own hands when I thought of having a family. I thought it was feed them, give them a loving home and send them to college to do the same. But it is so much more than that. You send them to school but you need to teach them things that nobody else possibly could.

And here we are.

“We just have to let them have their own life experiences and learn.” I felt Billie’s body go stiff. “Let them learn from their own mistakes and then we will have to be there for them to love or hate.” Billie let out a laugh and then we fell into a silence. There was a small noise from the trees next door and cars passing by.

Billie stopped stroking my hair and I rose up a little to see if he was okay. His eyes showed fear and his hands were now resting on his knees. He was looking straight ahead. I grabbed his hand. He was so insightful it even scared me. “Billie?”

“Do you remember what happened to us?” I looked at him with confusion painted all over my face. “We were in New York coming out of that restaurant and those men came up to us...” I let go of Billie’s hand and stood up. “Adie please...”

“No Billie, I do not want to talk about this.” I started walking away but Billie gently held onto my hands keeping me in my place. I closed my eyes trying to calm myself down. “We need to tell the boys one day. Tell them how wrong the world can be.” I turned around and faced Billie head on. “No Billie. I can’t tell them that.”

I let my hands slip out of his and I began to walk away.

“But if we don’t it might happen to them.”

I stopped walking away. Billie Joe is a thinker, fact. He’s always thinking of something. You can almost hear the gears in his head move and click into different modes but nobody can really understand how he comes up with half the things that our out of his mouth or what he writes down on a piece of paper. He amazes people. He dazzles.

I didn’t turn around straight away. I pictured Joey’s face in my mind. A small four year old crawling into bed with us because he had a nightmare. Then Jakob being brought into the house a Joey smiled and cheered for having someone smaller than him in the house. All of these memories, and then everything else outside.

“Billie it won’t happen to them.”

“How can we be sure?”

I twisted the sleeve of my jacket around my fingers and cursed under my breath.

Billie walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his cheeks against mine. I felt his warm breath surf over my skin and it felt good. I closed my eyes and let what was left of the sun to wash over me.

“I’m scared Adie. I’m scared what’s going to happen to them.” I smiled and opened my eyes once more to come face to face with our family home. “We’re parents Billie. We’re supposed to be.” Billie gave a small chuckle.

“Sorry for bringing New York up.”

“It’s fine.”

“Do you want to talk about – “

“No.”

Billie fell silent but held onto me tighter. The images of Jakob and Joey disappeared and the men from New York entered it, their hands trying to grab us, their vile words and metal weapons. The stench of burnt wood and rotten food from the alley way enveloped my nostrils and didn’t escape, Billie trying to fight them off and their hands trying to rip my clothes.

“Adie.” I opened my eyes and took in a mouthful of air. Billie was now in front of me and he held my face in his warm hands. He used his thumbs to wipe the tears that were rolling down my face. I looked in surprise not realising I had been crying. Billie smiled at me and gave me a kiss. He rested his forehead onto mine and held me close.

“The world might be full of demons and evil but there’s good to.” I smiled. “Right?” I laughed and rubbed my nose with his. “Of course. You’re here.” Billie laughed louder and pinched my ass.

Billie’s eyes widened as I looked at him in shock. “You so didn’t” Billie laughed and nodded. “So did!” I chased after Billie around the garden as if we were lovesick teenagers once more. Billie’s laugh echoed through the air and my shrieks of fun must have gotten the kids attention.

“Look!”

“Mom and dad are playing tag!”

Joey and Jakob ran after their dad and I stopped running and looked at them run. I tried imaging them as those men with their evil ways, but I couldn’t see it. We have raised them to be better than that. Have values. I mean, Joey cried when Speedy died, the goldfish, and Jakob hugged him to try and make him smile.

But to have something happen to them, our babies, it would kill me.

“Mom! We got him!” I smiled and ran up to them heap of boys on the floor. Billie gave me a toothy grin and slapped his behind. “Revenge is sweet when you have kids on your side.” Billie laughed and tickled the boys. “You thought you could turn against your dad and get away with it huh?” The kids laughed and Joey manages to run away. He ran up to me and gave me his puppy eyed dog look.

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we have pizza?” This caught Jakob’s attention. I smiled and nodded. “Go inside and pick one you want to eat” They both cheered and ran off into the house. “Don’t run in the house!” They both shouted back and disappeared.

Billie grabbed my hand and we started to walk back into the house. Billie laughed and kissed me on the cheek. “Let’s enjoy now okay?” I nodded. “Okay.”

We walked into the house and found the boys fighting over two different pizzas. Billie sighed and went to sort them out. I smiled and looked back out to the disappearing sun. There’s always tomorrow and the next day to right those demons.