Perpetual Guilt
There Are Only Dreams And Regrets.
Laughing, the young boy tilted his head up against the sky, letting the rain fall down over his face as he spun around, feeling the freedom bubble inside him. Behind him he could hear the older man laugh, amused by his young boyfriend, only fuelling the boy’s enthusiasm.
He had missed this; having so much space to move in, feeling the wind hit his face without having care that they would call him back soon, ordering him to get back inside. He remembered that they wouldn’t let him go out alone the first time, let alone in the rain.
Three years had passed. Three years had passed since he had felt the rain on him like this. Never before would he have believed that he would miss something as simple as rain, but this was a new time, a whole new life. The beginning of his new life.
Stopping all of sudden, he turned around. His eyes glittered brightly as he looked at the man next to him, before he closed them, his breathing irregular as he raised his arms and let himself fall backwards. He smiled at the surprised shout the man gave out, not even caring that he hit his back or his head.
Nothing of that mattered right now; he didn’t wanted to think about any pain, not the present pain or the pain from the past.
“Are you hurt?” The worried voice was right next to him, and he opened his eyes to look up at the man who was now sitting on the ground next to him.
“Not anymore,” he whispered, a warm smile finding its way across his full lips. “It feels like I’ll never feel pain again.”
The man just smiled, not correcting the boy, not saying that pain would be brought to him again many more times in his life. Right now, he needed this moment to believe that everything was wonderful, that the world wasn’t equally as horrible as when he had been put away.
Neither of them said anything more. The boy just looked up at the sky with a blissful smile as the man looked at him, his eyes moving over the finely chiselled facial features and the thin body, swallowing thickly as he remembered all over again that the boy was real, that he was not just a daydream anymore. He really had the boy next to him once again.
“You know, if I could stay here forever,” the boy whispered, the hint of a smile forming over his lips again as he stretched his arms out above his head. “I’d be happy with my life, fuck the past.”
“If you could stay here forever, you’d freeze your ass off,” the man replied, causing the younger boy to peer up at him with one eye.
“You’re still awesome at ruining the mood,” he giggled, turning on to his side to move into the warm embrace of the man. “But I still love you. Being un-romantic just makes you, you.”
“Some things never change, sweetie,” the man replied, running his fingers down the boy’s back, just enjoying the feeling of holding him close again, feeling the heart beat against his chest. “After all this time, you’re still immature.”
“They didn’t like that in there,” the boy frowned, pulling back slightly before continuing in a faint voice, “Do you think she’s happy now?”
As much as the man wanted to assure him that yes, yes, she was in a better place now and that he shouldn’t be worried, he couldn't force the words out of his mouth. He wanted to comfort the thin form in his arms, he wanted to tell him that yes, she is better off now, but he couldn’t because he just doesn’t believe in it.
There is nothing after death, as he sees it, and he can’t lie to the boy; he never could.
He didn’t get time to answer as the boy shook his head, soon pulling back completely and sitting up, staring ahead of himself as he wrapped his thin arms around his pulled up knees. The shine in his blue eyes showed that consciously, he was already long gone.
That day, over three years ago, was permanently embedded in his mind, no matter how much he tried to tell himself that it had been an accident, that it had happened too quickly for her to really feel anything. Thoughts like that were useless; he had still been alive when he had thrown himself out of the car, staring shocked at the girl lying on the road.
She had been so beautiful, even when she was lying there, getting close and closer to death. The boy knew that she must have been a real beauty. Her brown hair spread out over the ground, the pale skin and the pink dress stained by her own blood, blood from where the young boy had hit her with his car.
“You’re free now,” the man whispered, wrapping his arms around the boy and pressing his lips against the pale cheek, kissing away the tears that were slowly falling down. Smiling weakly, with no real joy in his expression, the boy looked up, looking deep into his lover’s eyes.
“I’m not free, I can never be. I’m a murderer.”
He had missed this; having so much space to move in, feeling the wind hit his face without having care that they would call him back soon, ordering him to get back inside. He remembered that they wouldn’t let him go out alone the first time, let alone in the rain.
Three years had passed. Three years had passed since he had felt the rain on him like this. Never before would he have believed that he would miss something as simple as rain, but this was a new time, a whole new life. The beginning of his new life.
Stopping all of sudden, he turned around. His eyes glittered brightly as he looked at the man next to him, before he closed them, his breathing irregular as he raised his arms and let himself fall backwards. He smiled at the surprised shout the man gave out, not even caring that he hit his back or his head.
Nothing of that mattered right now; he didn’t wanted to think about any pain, not the present pain or the pain from the past.
“Are you hurt?” The worried voice was right next to him, and he opened his eyes to look up at the man who was now sitting on the ground next to him.
“Not anymore,” he whispered, a warm smile finding its way across his full lips. “It feels like I’ll never feel pain again.”
The man just smiled, not correcting the boy, not saying that pain would be brought to him again many more times in his life. Right now, he needed this moment to believe that everything was wonderful, that the world wasn’t equally as horrible as when he had been put away.
Neither of them said anything more. The boy just looked up at the sky with a blissful smile as the man looked at him, his eyes moving over the finely chiselled facial features and the thin body, swallowing thickly as he remembered all over again that the boy was real, that he was not just a daydream anymore. He really had the boy next to him once again.
“You know, if I could stay here forever,” the boy whispered, the hint of a smile forming over his lips again as he stretched his arms out above his head. “I’d be happy with my life, fuck the past.”
“If you could stay here forever, you’d freeze your ass off,” the man replied, causing the younger boy to peer up at him with one eye.
“You’re still awesome at ruining the mood,” he giggled, turning on to his side to move into the warm embrace of the man. “But I still love you. Being un-romantic just makes you, you.”
“Some things never change, sweetie,” the man replied, running his fingers down the boy’s back, just enjoying the feeling of holding him close again, feeling the heart beat against his chest. “After all this time, you’re still immature.”
“They didn’t like that in there,” the boy frowned, pulling back slightly before continuing in a faint voice, “Do you think she’s happy now?”
As much as the man wanted to assure him that yes, yes, she was in a better place now and that he shouldn’t be worried, he couldn't force the words out of his mouth. He wanted to comfort the thin form in his arms, he wanted to tell him that yes, she is better off now, but he couldn’t because he just doesn’t believe in it.
There is nothing after death, as he sees it, and he can’t lie to the boy; he never could.
He didn’t get time to answer as the boy shook his head, soon pulling back completely and sitting up, staring ahead of himself as he wrapped his thin arms around his pulled up knees. The shine in his blue eyes showed that consciously, he was already long gone.
That day, over three years ago, was permanently embedded in his mind, no matter how much he tried to tell himself that it had been an accident, that it had happened too quickly for her to really feel anything. Thoughts like that were useless; he had still been alive when he had thrown himself out of the car, staring shocked at the girl lying on the road.
She had been so beautiful, even when she was lying there, getting close and closer to death. The boy knew that she must have been a real beauty. Her brown hair spread out over the ground, the pale skin and the pink dress stained by her own blood, blood from where the young boy had hit her with his car.
“You’re free now,” the man whispered, wrapping his arms around the boy and pressing his lips against the pale cheek, kissing away the tears that were slowly falling down. Smiling weakly, with no real joy in his expression, the boy looked up, looking deep into his lover’s eyes.
“I’m not free, I can never be. I’m a murderer.”