Hemorrhage.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Lights? A hallelujah chorus? God, descending down upon the Phoenix airport to pat me on the back? It was an epiphany, but it didn’t feel like an epiphany. It felt like that moment in math class after the teacher explained the problem and you thought to yourself, “Well, shit. Why the hell didn’t I think of that?” It seemed like such a sensible solution. I’d been falling back on it for years, so I don’t know why it didn’t become evident sooner.

Molly was waiting in front of the entrance door, her eyes curiously scanning each face. She looked relieved as I walked towards her.

“Did you find him?”

I nodded.

“Did you tell him?”

Again, I nodded.

“What did he say?”

This time I shook my head. I wasn’t thinking about what he said - I was thinking about what I knew. What I had to do.

“Can you just drop me off at home?” I asked.

Molly nodded and we started walking out of the doors. I followed her automatically, not remembering where we parked.

“Are you going to tell me anything?”

“It’s kind of personal, y’know?”

Molly nodded, like she understood, but I knew that she was dying to know.

Poor Molly - I was going to miss her. I remember the first time I saw her - the rash look in her eyes, the slouched posture. I used to admire girls like her so much, and now she was practically my best friend. She’d been there for me, she stuck up for me, and she cared for my well-being. It kind of sucked, now that I was close to her and leaving again. She would understand, though. I knew her - she would get it.

We were silent. She dropped me off at my mother’s house with a wave. My mom wasn’t home, which was kind of a good thing, because she’d try and stop me, phone in one hand, Dr. Meyer’s business card in the other. (If she didn’t already have the number memorized.)

Most of my things were still packed. When I first got here, I thought it was just going to be temporary, as I was convinced that I’d be leaving the second John talked to me. I guess the unpacking came in handy now. I only had to collect my toiletries from the bathroom and unplug my laptop from the outlet in the wall. I wasn’t taking everything - I tried to keep it down to two bags and a carry-on.

I scribbled my mom a note, explaining where I would be and where I was going to hide the car keys. (I needed the car incase I had a temporary lapse of judgment and had to change my mind.)

I tried to be brave about this. I tried to convince myself that this was the right thing. I mean, after all, it was what John wanted.

_______________________________________________________________________

John,

She’s gone. She left. I don’t know where she went. I hope you’re happy. Molly’s a mess. Her mom’s a mess. I don’t know what you said to her, but I think that you fucked up. You love her. If I can admit it, you can admit it. Stop denying it. She deserves something better than this.

Mia.

_______________________________________________________________________

I know that I surprised them. They all must have thought that I was being a coward, running away again. I truly thought that this was for the best though.

Even as the glass windows looked daunting, and the door to Monte Nido Treatment Center scared the crap out of me, I knew that it was what was best. I had to, didn’t I?

The receptionist greeted me with a friendly smile.

“Hi, how can I help you today?”

“I’d like to check myself in.”