Her smile
Listening
Chapter 4: Listening
Thursday 16th April 2009
“To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation.”
—Chinese Proverb
7.30 a.m.
In Algebra the next day, Charlotte passed me a note. “Wilhelmina means 'resolute protector' :) -C. P.S. Will you resolutely protect me?”
I made sure the teacher was facing the board, then mouthed, “With all my resolution.” A quiet moment; nobody noticed the look that passed between her gray eyes and my blue ones. Then we went back to paying attention to the lesson and no one was any the wiser.
The teacher gave out the homework and afterwards, we went our separate ways, me off to geography and her to English.
*
11.50 a.m.
I scoffed quietly to myself.
I knew it wouldn't last. There she was, talking on the phone. I heard the word “experiment.” Was I just an experiment to her? Unimportant. Nobody. A game. Was it fun for her, seeing what it's like being...
I shook my head. No, Billie! She's far too nice to do that. Right? No, I needed to shake these evil jealous thoughts out of my head. I closed my eyes a second. Charlotte looked hurt. I couldn't believe I'd thought she was talking to someone else behind my back, in a bad way, plotting and scheming to hurt me. No, she simply wouldn't have.
I looked down and felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment, guilt and shame.
*
11.55 a.m.
“Billie!” I insulted myself. Her voice was so bright. “What's wrong?”
I couldn't bring myself to smile, pretend I hadn't seen her standing there, talking on the phone to some girl, probably.
“I saw you. Talking on the phone. I'm so sorry.”
“For what?”
“Feeling jealous. Thinking you might be cheating.”
“I... It was my ex. She...wants me back. I said no. I don't love her anymore.”
I hate myself, I thought.
Neither one of us said anything and it felt so awkward, until Charlotte spoke. “Come on, let's go eat.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the cafeteria.
*
3.30. p.m.
I'd finished almost all my homework and was studying an Algebra test when I got an idea. I smiled to myself and made myself focus. I'd get my reward. Let's just hope she could...
*
4.30 p.m.
After studying, I'd decided to read a bit and had gotten to a part in my book where the character made a phone call. That reminded me of my idea. I got up and dialed her number.
“Hi, this is Billie, a friend of Charlotte's, may I speak to her?” My mother had always insisted I be polite when calling new friends.
“Of course.” It sounded like her mother. “Charlotte!” I heard her call her. “Phone for you.”
I heard the phone being handed to Charlotte. “Hello?”
“Hey! It's Billie. I was wondering if you could come over to my place, hang out.”
“I'd love to. Just a sec, I have to ask my mom.” A few seconds later. “Okay, I can. Where's your place.”
I gave her the instructions.
“Okay. I'm coming over. Bye.”
I grinned. “Bye.”
*
4.45 p.m.
Somebody knocked on the door. Hopefully Charlotte.
“Hey!” It was Charlotte.
“Hey, um, how come you don't have a doorbell?”
“Oh, that. Yeah, pretty weird, I know. It was my mother's choice. Anyway, come in.”
She took a few steps inside and stopped. “Oh my God! You have cats. Wait a minute, is that's why you asked me if I loved cats?”
“Yup. Sorry you had to wait two days to find out.”
“It doesn't matter. What are their names?”
I closed the door. “Kisa is the silver-blue one and Vivian is the tawny one. They're both girls.”
“Oh, before I forget, I can only stay until quarter past five.”
Oh. “Just half an hour?”
“Yeah, we eat at half past five. Anyway... How old are they? Your cats?”
“They're both a year old, although Viv is older by a month. Come on, let's go to the lounge.” I titled my head towards said place.
We sat down on the couch and my girls followed me. “Viv, come here.” She jumped up onto the couch.
“Um, should your cats be sitting on the couch?”
“Don't worry, they're allowed. My mom's relaxed. And the couch is so old anyway...” I patted the place between Charlotte and me. “Sit here Kisa.” Vivian was on my lap. “Do you have any pets?”
She stroked Kisa's fur. “No, I'd never had any.”
“Never?”
“Well, the usual goldfish. We might be getting a rabbit. They're beautiful,” she added, about my cats.
“Thanks!” I beamed with pride.
“Hey! Um, I have my iPod with me and there's this singer I love. Would you like to listen to her songs?”
“Sure.”
“Her name's Jem; she's Welsh,” she said as she got her iPod out.
She unraveled the earphones and switched her iPod on. I put one of the earbuds in my ear and she did the same. Charlotte moved and my earbud got pulled out. I shifted closer to her. I didn't want it to happen, but the memory of that lunchtime, me being jealous, suddenly came to me.
“Charlotte?” I bit my lip.
“Yes?” She sounds distracted, trying to find the song she wants me to listen to.
“About today. At lunchtime. Um... I'm—” Ugh. I suck at apologies. “I—”
“Don't worry. You don't need to say sorry. Being jealous is human. Now listen to this song. Missing you. It's a beautiful song. Very sad.”
I let the song, the music, the singer's voice take me away. I smiled. I never knew something so simple such as this, listening to music with someone, could make me forget things. Forget guilt. Forget jealousy.
Touching my heart, my soul.
And make me happy.
*
5.15 p.m.
“It's 5.15, I have to leave.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
She laughed a hearty laugh. “Yes.” She stood up, put her iPod back in her pocket, made for the door.
“No.” I stood up and grabbed her hand. “Please stay. Could you stay for dinner?”
She laughed again. “I can't, Billie.” She laughed yet again. “Pouting looks good on you.”
“I wasn't pouting!”
“Yes, yes you were.” She pulled me close to her and kissed me. “Bye.”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“Ha! That shut you up.”
“Don't do that. Don't smile like that. You know what it does to me.”
“No I don't.” She opened the door and started walking away.
“Pfft! Like you're so innocent,” I called after her.
“Me? I couldn't be more innocent if I tried.”
*
5.20 p.m.
I squealed and bit my lip. Wow. I ran back to the couch and sat down exactly where Charlotte had been moments before. I switched the TV on and flicked through channels until I fell on a rerun of FRIENDS. I squealed again and jumped up and down on the couch. I wanted to shout out loud...something. Anything. I didn't know what, so I didn't. But inside... Inside me it was very loud.
It took the time of the whole episode for my heart to stop beating so hard, for my mind to calm down and for silence to settle down inside me.
Mom came back home at 5.30, more or less halfway through the episode. She smiled at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” The smile didn't leave her face.
During the ad break, I muted the TV and heard my mom humming to herself as she cooked dinner. Huh. I wondered why, but couldn't find any reason.
*
6 p.m.
“Mom?”
“Yes?” She was still smiling.
“What's...going on? You've been in a good mood since you got home. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing you happy, but this is weird...”
“I'm happy because you're happy, darling.”
Okay...
*
10.20 p.m.
Before going to bed, I reread the lessons for the Algebra test. I really needed to pass this. The last test was a disaster. I would need at least a B to catch up.
Thursday 16th April 2009
“To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation.”
—Chinese Proverb
7.30 a.m.
In Algebra the next day, Charlotte passed me a note. “Wilhelmina means 'resolute protector' :) -C. P.S. Will you resolutely protect me?”
I made sure the teacher was facing the board, then mouthed, “With all my resolution.” A quiet moment; nobody noticed the look that passed between her gray eyes and my blue ones. Then we went back to paying attention to the lesson and no one was any the wiser.
The teacher gave out the homework and afterwards, we went our separate ways, me off to geography and her to English.
*
11.50 a.m.
I scoffed quietly to myself.
I knew it wouldn't last. There she was, talking on the phone. I heard the word “experiment.” Was I just an experiment to her? Unimportant. Nobody. A game. Was it fun for her, seeing what it's like being...
I shook my head. No, Billie! She's far too nice to do that. Right? No, I needed to shake these evil jealous thoughts out of my head. I closed my eyes a second. Charlotte looked hurt. I couldn't believe I'd thought she was talking to someone else behind my back, in a bad way, plotting and scheming to hurt me. No, she simply wouldn't have.
I looked down and felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment, guilt and shame.
*
11.55 a.m.
“Billie!” I insulted myself. Her voice was so bright. “What's wrong?”
I couldn't bring myself to smile, pretend I hadn't seen her standing there, talking on the phone to some girl, probably.
“I saw you. Talking on the phone. I'm so sorry.”
“For what?”
“Feeling jealous. Thinking you might be cheating.”
“I... It was my ex. She...wants me back. I said no. I don't love her anymore.”
I hate myself, I thought.
Neither one of us said anything and it felt so awkward, until Charlotte spoke. “Come on, let's go eat.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the cafeteria.
*
3.30. p.m.
I'd finished almost all my homework and was studying an Algebra test when I got an idea. I smiled to myself and made myself focus. I'd get my reward. Let's just hope she could...
*
4.30 p.m.
After studying, I'd decided to read a bit and had gotten to a part in my book where the character made a phone call. That reminded me of my idea. I got up and dialed her number.
“Hi, this is Billie, a friend of Charlotte's, may I speak to her?” My mother had always insisted I be polite when calling new friends.
“Of course.” It sounded like her mother. “Charlotte!” I heard her call her. “Phone for you.”
I heard the phone being handed to Charlotte. “Hello?”
“Hey! It's Billie. I was wondering if you could come over to my place, hang out.”
“I'd love to. Just a sec, I have to ask my mom.” A few seconds later. “Okay, I can. Where's your place.”
I gave her the instructions.
“Okay. I'm coming over. Bye.”
I grinned. “Bye.”
*
4.45 p.m.
Somebody knocked on the door. Hopefully Charlotte.
“Hey!” It was Charlotte.
“Hey, um, how come you don't have a doorbell?”
“Oh, that. Yeah, pretty weird, I know. It was my mother's choice. Anyway, come in.”
She took a few steps inside and stopped. “Oh my God! You have cats. Wait a minute, is that's why you asked me if I loved cats?”
“Yup. Sorry you had to wait two days to find out.”
“It doesn't matter. What are their names?”
I closed the door. “Kisa is the silver-blue one and Vivian is the tawny one. They're both girls.”
“Oh, before I forget, I can only stay until quarter past five.”
Oh. “Just half an hour?”
“Yeah, we eat at half past five. Anyway... How old are they? Your cats?”
“They're both a year old, although Viv is older by a month. Come on, let's go to the lounge.” I titled my head towards said place.
We sat down on the couch and my girls followed me. “Viv, come here.” She jumped up onto the couch.
“Um, should your cats be sitting on the couch?”
“Don't worry, they're allowed. My mom's relaxed. And the couch is so old anyway...” I patted the place between Charlotte and me. “Sit here Kisa.” Vivian was on my lap. “Do you have any pets?”
She stroked Kisa's fur. “No, I'd never had any.”
“Never?”
“Well, the usual goldfish. We might be getting a rabbit. They're beautiful,” she added, about my cats.
“Thanks!” I beamed with pride.
“Hey! Um, I have my iPod with me and there's this singer I love. Would you like to listen to her songs?”
“Sure.”
“Her name's Jem; she's Welsh,” she said as she got her iPod out.
She unraveled the earphones and switched her iPod on. I put one of the earbuds in my ear and she did the same. Charlotte moved and my earbud got pulled out. I shifted closer to her. I didn't want it to happen, but the memory of that lunchtime, me being jealous, suddenly came to me.
“Charlotte?” I bit my lip.
“Yes?” She sounds distracted, trying to find the song she wants me to listen to.
“About today. At lunchtime. Um... I'm—” Ugh. I suck at apologies. “I—”
“Don't worry. You don't need to say sorry. Being jealous is human. Now listen to this song. Missing you. It's a beautiful song. Very sad.”
I let the song, the music, the singer's voice take me away. I smiled. I never knew something so simple such as this, listening to music with someone, could make me forget things. Forget guilt. Forget jealousy.
Touching my heart, my soul.
And make me happy.
*
5.15 p.m.
“It's 5.15, I have to leave.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
She laughed a hearty laugh. “Yes.” She stood up, put her iPod back in her pocket, made for the door.
“No.” I stood up and grabbed her hand. “Please stay. Could you stay for dinner?”
She laughed again. “I can't, Billie.” She laughed yet again. “Pouting looks good on you.”
“I wasn't pouting!”
“Yes, yes you were.” She pulled me close to her and kissed me. “Bye.”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“Ha! That shut you up.”
“Don't do that. Don't smile like that. You know what it does to me.”
“No I don't.” She opened the door and started walking away.
“Pfft! Like you're so innocent,” I called after her.
“Me? I couldn't be more innocent if I tried.”
*
5.20 p.m.
I squealed and bit my lip. Wow. I ran back to the couch and sat down exactly where Charlotte had been moments before. I switched the TV on and flicked through channels until I fell on a rerun of FRIENDS. I squealed again and jumped up and down on the couch. I wanted to shout out loud...something. Anything. I didn't know what, so I didn't. But inside... Inside me it was very loud.
It took the time of the whole episode for my heart to stop beating so hard, for my mind to calm down and for silence to settle down inside me.
Mom came back home at 5.30, more or less halfway through the episode. She smiled at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” The smile didn't leave her face.
During the ad break, I muted the TV and heard my mom humming to herself as she cooked dinner. Huh. I wondered why, but couldn't find any reason.
*
6 p.m.
“Mom?”
“Yes?” She was still smiling.
“What's...going on? You've been in a good mood since you got home. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing you happy, but this is weird...”
“I'm happy because you're happy, darling.”
Okay...
*
10.20 p.m.
Before going to bed, I reread the lessons for the Algebra test. I really needed to pass this. The last test was a disaster. I would need at least a B to catch up.
♠ ♠ ♠
By the way: comments are appreciated.