Meeting September

This wasn't how it always ended. This was never how it happened. With my heart broken and no one on the other end walking away. But now everything was different. I felt like the clock on my wall shouldn't have been ticking. But seconds were turning into minutes and minutes were turning into hours, slowly but surely.

I hadn't loved him. My heart wasn't breaking with every breath i took. Tayler was only a boy. I hadn't loved him...

But i had.

And he was gone.

***

I watched the car turn into Tayler's driveway from my front porch. I saw his father walk up the steps and i saw his old roommate, Johnson open the door. I held my stomach as the door shut before my eyes with only a single glance from Johnson. My knees buckled, not able to hold my weight any longer and i kneeled on the steps, sobs leaving my trembling lips. Before i would have never let myself show my vulnerability, but now nothing mattered i was fragile and i didn't car who knew.

I felt myself shiver in the 90 degree heat, goose-bumps arising on my bare legs and arms. Another car pulled up to the house, Tayler's sister stepped out of the silver mercedes. She was holding onto her husbands arm, her head buried in his shoulder. I could hear him soothing her from my spot across the street. He carried their two year old daughter, Ami in the nook of his other arm. She lye there sleeping, unaware of her surroundings, not able to hear her mothers cries. I was jealous of her, Ami, who didn't feel the weight of loss on her petit shoulders. As the walked away from the car and up the steps the door opened once again and Tayler's sister flung herself into her fathers arms. None of them noticed me. And i watched the door close.

I wished i had the courage, to walk up his front steps and walk into his families arms. Maybe if i had i would have been able to shed the weight of what seemed like the world. Maybe we would have been able to help each other through these hard times. I could picture his mother, Anna, rubbing my back in comforting circles. His sister, Laura, nodding as i spilled out memories, handing me a tissue as i shed my tears. We would go through old photo albums of him as a child, they would except me in there family even though we lost the person that connected us to each other. But i couldn't do that. They were practically strangers. Acquaintances at best, having seen each other at only a couple holidays. I couldn't barge into their reminiscing not even though i shared their pain of the loss of Tayler.

I would have rather had him leave me, break up with me. i would have lost him any other way, but not like this. I should have been able to see him walk away. Life wasn't fair. One minute he was there, handsome and breathing and the next... he was gone. And i felt like i was too. I had heard people describing loss as loosing a piece of you, but i felt hollow, no pieces left. Maybe this was better though, maybe now, i had no further pieces left to loose.