Dissipation
TRANSCRIPT: DAILY MEETING OF ASPEN MIRCH AND JOHN
Hegarty: Hello, Aspen. How was breakfast?
Mirch: Exquisite Cheerios. Positively exquisite. My compliments to the chef.
Hegarty: I was hoping you’d be more cooperative today.
(Pause)
Hegarty: Could you please turn around?
(Scraping sound)
I mean one-eighty, not three-sixty, please. I find it strange to talk to someone’s
back.
Mirch: It’s not a bad back. You can see lots more of my hair this way. My mother says it’s my best feature.
Hegarty: Aspen…
(Scraping sound)
Thank you. Now, according to the interview you did with the news-
Mirch: No.
Hegarty: Pardon me?
Mirch: No, I do not believe I’m an alien. You’d think you’d build up to it. Isn’t it the crucial question?
Hegarty: Well, yes, but-
Mirch: In any case, you can scratch delusions.
Hegarty: Scratch…?
Mirch: (Sigh) I do not have delusions of being an alien.
Hegarty: You know, I would like to finish my sentences.
Mirch: Sorry I stepped on your toes.
Hegarty: You didn’t-
Mirch: Your metaphoric toes, of course. Isn’t it strange how most idioms involving pushiness have to do with feet? Stepped on your toes, stepped over the line, crossed the line… maybe it’s some sort of fetish in our society. Maybe it’s just homo sapiens’ pride in walking upright?
Hegarty: Could we get back on topic?
Mirch: I was trying to be more cooperative today. (Sigh) Oh, well. We got off on the wrong foot. I’ll do my best to toe the line.
Hegarty: Could you please let me finish my question first?
Mirch: Of course.
(Long pause, ruffling of papers)
But it might help if you ask a question.
Hegarty: Fine. Then we’ll start with the easiest one: what is your name?
Mirch: Aspen Russell Mirch.
Hegarty: How old are you?
Mirch: I thought we were doing easy questions.
Hegarty: Just…give it your best try.
Mirch: Fifteen slash thirty-five.
Hegarty: Pardon?
Mirch: Chronological age: fifteen. Mental age: thirty five.
Hegarty: Mental age…?
Mirch: IQ divided by one hundred times chronological age. Since the only test I didn’t ceiling out on gave me an IQ of two hundred twenty, the math is easy enough.
Hegarty: You care quite a lot about that IQ, don’t you?
Mirch: (Short laugh) Maybe less than anyone.
Mirch: Exquisite Cheerios. Positively exquisite. My compliments to the chef.
Hegarty: I was hoping you’d be more cooperative today.
(Pause)
Hegarty: Could you please turn around?
(Scraping sound)
I mean one-eighty, not three-sixty, please. I find it strange to talk to someone’s
back.
Mirch: It’s not a bad back. You can see lots more of my hair this way. My mother says it’s my best feature.
Hegarty: Aspen…
(Scraping sound)
Thank you. Now, according to the interview you did with the news-
Mirch: No.
Hegarty: Pardon me?
Mirch: No, I do not believe I’m an alien. You’d think you’d build up to it. Isn’t it the crucial question?
Hegarty: Well, yes, but-
Mirch: In any case, you can scratch delusions.
Hegarty: Scratch…?
Mirch: (Sigh) I do not have delusions of being an alien.
Hegarty: You know, I would like to finish my sentences.
Mirch: Sorry I stepped on your toes.
Hegarty: You didn’t-
Mirch: Your metaphoric toes, of course. Isn’t it strange how most idioms involving pushiness have to do with feet? Stepped on your toes, stepped over the line, crossed the line… maybe it’s some sort of fetish in our society. Maybe it’s just homo sapiens’ pride in walking upright?
Hegarty: Could we get back on topic?
Mirch: I was trying to be more cooperative today. (Sigh) Oh, well. We got off on the wrong foot. I’ll do my best to toe the line.
Hegarty: Could you please let me finish my question first?
Mirch: Of course.
(Long pause, ruffling of papers)
But it might help if you ask a question.
Hegarty: Fine. Then we’ll start with the easiest one: what is your name?
Mirch: Aspen Russell Mirch.
Hegarty: How old are you?
Mirch: I thought we were doing easy questions.
Hegarty: Just…give it your best try.
Mirch: Fifteen slash thirty-five.
Hegarty: Pardon?
Mirch: Chronological age: fifteen. Mental age: thirty five.
Hegarty: Mental age…?
Mirch: IQ divided by one hundred times chronological age. Since the only test I didn’t ceiling out on gave me an IQ of two hundred twenty, the math is easy enough.
Hegarty: You care quite a lot about that IQ, don’t you?
Mirch: (Short laugh) Maybe less than anyone.