More Like A Relapse
Just Sleep
She twisted and thrashed under her covers in her bed, her body giving off random electrical spasms through her muscles. Her head twitched to the side, her arm lead her body in a spin. She bit down on her pillow, gripping the covers and cursing her racing racing racing mind.
She didn’t know what she was thinking - what was she thinking?! - her thoughts were not organized and sophisticated as they once were - a jumbled mess of images and words! She shut her eyes tightly and flexed all her muscles, twisting again into a different position - why? she had been comfortable in her previous position! - trying to find a place in her bed where she could find rest.
Music! Music would banish her mind. She reached over and searched and grabbed desperately for her CD player in the dark. She plugged in her headphones, and pressed play.
There's been an accident (calm down)
There's been an accident
Breathe in and out, calm down (In and out, calm down)
In and out, calm down (In and out, calm down)
Nonononononono… louder music…
She turned up the volume to the loudest her CD player could manage, but her thoughts were still breaking through. Get rid of the thoughts… shut down your mind mind mind. Shut it down. Shut up the images and words. No more. Stop them stopstopstopstopstopstop. Sleep… sleep, child, sleep.
She hadn’t slept in days… weeks - how long as it been?! - maybe months? Her rest, her sleep was always broken by these godforsaken racingracingracingracing thoughts! Her sleeping pills never worked, never worked. Never worked.
The fucking doctor didn’t know what he was talking about… “She’s just reaching out for attention.”
You want attention?? Is that what you want? I’ll give you attention!
The girl flung the covers off her body and swung out of bed, taking off her headphones; her muscles still twitching in spasms causing her hands to change and contort into different, odd positions rapidly, as if they couldn’t figure out what they should be.
She. Would. Sleep.
Find. Rest.
Nothing would stop her from sleeping. If she could just rest, sleep, relax, find peace in the silence… no thoughts, no feelings, no emotion, no past, no future, no present. Just sleep.
She scrambled into the bathroom across the hall, throwing open the medication cabinet. She would sleep. She would rest. Whether for eight hours or forever. Rest.
She grabbed a random bottle out from amongst the many others. She searched the label for a name; she wanted to know her poison of choice.
Oxycodone hydrochloride, she read in the blackness of the bathroom, the words only legible from the moonlight seeping through the windows. It was prescribed to her mother - why did she need it?! - and the bottle was half-full. It had a good fifty tablets remaining. Rest, sleep, find peace, sleepsleepsleepsleepsleepsleepsleep. She would sleep. She would. Nothing would stopstopstopstopstall her. She as sososo sick of not being able to sleep - why couldn’t she sleep?! - it was all because of her racingracing mind and thoughts and images.
She couldn’t stop her muscles from flexing rapidly - be still! - her frustration and emptiness welled and expanded, filling her entirely. Filled with emptiness. She wanted to sleep, god, how she wanted to sleep. A random sob escaped her mouth. She was so scared. She didn’t want to die - life held so much more for her! - but she wantedwantedwanted to sleep so bad, she would do anything to sleep.
The adolescent twisted off the top and poured the pills into her mouth.
Don’t think, don’t think, you won’t regret this later - you’ll sleep! You’ll sleep in peace, at long last, at long last.
She swallowed them down in the water from the bathroom faucet. She poured in more pills, as much as she could handle, and downed those as well. And more and more… and more. She would sleep, she would sleep tonight.
***
The bottle was empty, she was calm… she was… at rest. Her muscles had ceased with their violent motions, and her mind wasn’t racing. Her form was curled up into a ball on the bathroom floor, against the walls of a corner. Her head leaned against the plasterboard wall in the dead of night, staring at the wireless phone she had retrieved and set in front of her.
If she called… this would be her only time of rest. She would sleep no more. Back to the normal routine of nightly struggles. Back to racing thoughts.
If she didn’t call… she would die… would she?... no more… anything. No more laughter, no more friends, no more living on the edge. No more.
The girl stared at the phone blankly. Her body was completely relaxed. Every muscle was sleeping, and she was tired. She could fall asleep right now. She’d sleep forever.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’ve just attempted suicide… I’m dying.”
“Where are you, miss?”
“5612 Sycamore Lane, Clevesborough. I’m in the upstairs bathroom… the door is locked…”
“I’ll get you an ambulance right away, just stay on the line with me.”
“Please… hurry…”
She didn’t know what she was thinking - what was she thinking?! - her thoughts were not organized and sophisticated as they once were - a jumbled mess of images and words! She shut her eyes tightly and flexed all her muscles, twisting again into a different position - why? she had been comfortable in her previous position! - trying to find a place in her bed where she could find rest.
Music! Music would banish her mind. She reached over and searched and grabbed desperately for her CD player in the dark. She plugged in her headphones, and pressed play.
There's been an accident (calm down)
There's been an accident
Breathe in and out, calm down (In and out, calm down)
In and out, calm down (In and out, calm down)
Nonononononono… louder music…
She turned up the volume to the loudest her CD player could manage, but her thoughts were still breaking through. Get rid of the thoughts… shut down your mind mind mind. Shut it down. Shut up the images and words. No more. Stop them stopstopstopstopstopstop. Sleep… sleep, child, sleep.
She hadn’t slept in days… weeks - how long as it been?! - maybe months? Her rest, her sleep was always broken by these godforsaken racingracingracingracing thoughts! Her sleeping pills never worked, never worked. Never worked.
The fucking doctor didn’t know what he was talking about… “She’s just reaching out for attention.”
You want attention?? Is that what you want? I’ll give you attention!
The girl flung the covers off her body and swung out of bed, taking off her headphones; her muscles still twitching in spasms causing her hands to change and contort into different, odd positions rapidly, as if they couldn’t figure out what they should be.
She. Would. Sleep.
Find. Rest.
Nothing would stop her from sleeping. If she could just rest, sleep, relax, find peace in the silence… no thoughts, no feelings, no emotion, no past, no future, no present. Just sleep.
She scrambled into the bathroom across the hall, throwing open the medication cabinet. She would sleep. She would rest. Whether for eight hours or forever. Rest.
She grabbed a random bottle out from amongst the many others. She searched the label for a name; she wanted to know her poison of choice.
Oxycodone hydrochloride, she read in the blackness of the bathroom, the words only legible from the moonlight seeping through the windows. It was prescribed to her mother - why did she need it?! - and the bottle was half-full. It had a good fifty tablets remaining. Rest, sleep, find peace, sleepsleepsleepsleepsleepsleepsleep. She would sleep. She would. Nothing would stopstopstopstopstall her. She as sososo sick of not being able to sleep - why couldn’t she sleep?! - it was all because of her racingracing mind and thoughts and images.
She couldn’t stop her muscles from flexing rapidly - be still! - her frustration and emptiness welled and expanded, filling her entirely. Filled with emptiness. She wanted to sleep, god, how she wanted to sleep. A random sob escaped her mouth. She was so scared. She didn’t want to die - life held so much more for her! - but she wantedwantedwanted to sleep so bad, she would do anything to sleep.
The adolescent twisted off the top and poured the pills into her mouth.
Don’t think, don’t think, you won’t regret this later - you’ll sleep! You’ll sleep in peace, at long last, at long last.
She swallowed them down in the water from the bathroom faucet. She poured in more pills, as much as she could handle, and downed those as well. And more and more… and more. She would sleep, she would sleep tonight.
***
The bottle was empty, she was calm… she was… at rest. Her muscles had ceased with their violent motions, and her mind wasn’t racing. Her form was curled up into a ball on the bathroom floor, against the walls of a corner. Her head leaned against the plasterboard wall in the dead of night, staring at the wireless phone she had retrieved and set in front of her.
If she called… this would be her only time of rest. She would sleep no more. Back to the normal routine of nightly struggles. Back to racing thoughts.
If she didn’t call… she would die… would she?... no more… anything. No more laughter, no more friends, no more living on the edge. No more.
The girl stared at the phone blankly. Her body was completely relaxed. Every muscle was sleeping, and she was tired. She could fall asleep right now. She’d sleep forever.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’ve just attempted suicide… I’m dying.”
“Where are you, miss?”
“5612 Sycamore Lane, Clevesborough. I’m in the upstairs bathroom… the door is locked…”
“I’ll get you an ambulance right away, just stay on the line with me.”
“Please… hurry…”