So Far Away
So Far Away
“Where am I?” Everything had gone dark. The last thing he remembered was the bright flashing lights blinding his vision, the horn of the truck as the car skid dangerously across the ice and collided with it, and the screaming. Oh the screaming. That was his last memory, and now everything was black. As black as the eyeliner he would so fondly wear at their concerts. Isn’t it funny how one minute life was perfect and then it’s gone, and you are left alone. Darkness swallowing you whole, no one to hold you as you shed painful tears.
His body shook uncontrollably as he buried his face into his sweaty palms, hot tears flooded from his golden brown eyes. Where was he? Why was he here? Where was Frank? Or Mikey? Or Ray and Bob? Time dragged by as fear tore at his body. Ravaging his every limb, his every emotion, until he couldn’t feel anything else.
It felt like forever had passed as he sat crouched on the floor crying, his legs tucked into his chest while his hands cradled his head.
“Gee,” The sweet familiar voice of his brother drowned out the empty silence.
“M-Mikey?” He replied, lifting his head from it’s place in his hands and glancing around him. His eyes darting madly as he so desperately searched for his brother’s familiar face. Mikey’s voice continued to repeat his name. Echoing through the darkness like a ghostly reminder that he was alone.
“I love you.” Mikey finally spoke. His voice sounded shattered, broken, sad. Pain filled words, followed by muffled sobbing. Was Mikey crying?
Silence returned, a terrifiying reminder that he was completely alone. What had happened that night? He couldn’t remember anything. Only the lights and the screeching. Those lights, blinding his vision and leading him to this darkness that now covered him like a veil. And that gut wrenching screech that replayed his mind, still causing his ears to ring.
“..Mikey,” He sobbed quietly, burying his hands back into his sweaty palms. Never before had he felt this scared. He’d been through so much. Depression. Alcoholism. Drug Abuse. But none of that could ever match the incredible horror that had taken hold of his heart. “Mikes.” He repeated the name, over and over just as Mikey’s voice had repeated his own.
“T-they want your heart, Gee. They want it for Frankie. Frankie needs it, but you need it too, and I need it. I need you here, Gee. You can’t leave!” Mikey’s voice returned. His words scrambled and confusing. Mikey had never been good with words, it wasn’t his strong point.
“My heart?” Gerard mumbled into his hands. Why did they want his heart? Why did Frank need it? Didn’t he have his own? Gerard knew Frank had, had heart problems since he was a child. But Frank was careful, he’d never do anything which could be dangerous to his health.
“Frankie’s dying, and the doctor says you’re already dead. Or you might as well be. I don’t know. I don’t know everything, Gee! All I know is that you’re my big brother and I love you and you have to stay here. For me.” His brother’s voice drowned out the silence again, speaking the words his heart had dreaded to hear. He was dead, or might as well be. Where was Gerard going? Why did Mikey want him to stay? He didn’t even know himself. Was he asleep?
“You… you have to help me here, Gee,” Mikey's voice pleaded. There was a tingling sensation in his fingers, he could feel his brother’s grip. Tender. Soft. Warm. He glanced at his hands, but there was nothing holding onto him. Just a ghostly touch. A reminder of what human emotion was. Why couldn’t he wake up and see Mikey’s tear stained face and pull him into a brotherly hug which would make everything ok. But nothing was ok. Nothing would ever be ok again.
“I need a sign, anything! Anything to assure me that you’re not gone forever! You’re coming back, right? Right?” Mikey continued to plea. The sudden relisation of what was happening struck him. He screamed angrily, trying to reassure his brother with the sound of his voice. If he was meant to stay alive then he would be able to open his eyes and to hold his brother instead of being stuck in this eternal darkness. Right? Right.
He now knew that he wasn’t ever going to see Mikey again, or his family, or his friends. Life had dealt him a hard blow. Mikey continued to plea. His voice quiet and muffled as he tried so desperately to find the right words, until it was gone. That silence he was beginning to hate returned. So many questions nagged at his mind. Why was he dying? What was going to happen to Frank?
He burried his pale face back into his hands and tightly closed his eyes. “One. Two. Three.” He counted the numbers in his mind and quickly removed his hands and snapped his eyes open, with the hope of waking up. It didn’t work, nothing had changed. He was still in the darkness. He covered his face again and repeated his last actions, desperately wanting to be able to wake up. Still, nothing. Fate had slapped him hard in the face. His time had come and there was no denying it. Nobody could change his fate. Giving up he rocked himself back and forth in the familiar silence that had filled the empty spaces around him. Wanting to hear his brother’s voice again. He wanted Mikey to tell him what was happening and why Frank was dying.
“They left it up to me. Can you believe that? I can’t even fucking work a toaster properly, and they’re letting me decide the fate of my brother and my best friend. It’s pretty stupid, isn’t it?” Mikey’s voice returned as he forced a laugh. Mikey knew his brother wouldn’t of wanted him to feel bad. Mikey was a smart kid.
He’d now accepted his fate as he cried in the silence. And now Mikey should accept it too.
“Give Frank my heart Mikey.” He tried to tell his brother, but his words only became tangled and lost in his mouth.
“So I thought about it… and I… I thought you’d wanna give Frankie a chance to live. I know you’re more generous than I ever was, and you always, always put others before yourself.” Mikey sounded stronger now, more confident. He was proud of his brother. Frank deserved to live, and in his heart that’s all he wanted. He could die, he knew there was no chance he could ever fight to open his eyes again, but Frank didn’t deserve to the same fate.
“I just fucking wish you could tell me yourself, you know? I just want to hear it from you, but if you could do that we wouldn’t be here in the first place. We’d be staying at some cheap hotel that Brian reserved for us, and we’d be watching Nightmare Before Christmas. Bob and Frank would be bumming around… and you… you and Ray would be playing poker with potato chips, and… and I’d be trying to make popcorn without burning the place down and you’d be complaining that you didn’t want popcorn, you wanted sushi… so I’ll call up room service and I’ll watch you all laugh when you wouldn’t let me have the last California Maki. Then I’d see you smile, then you’d stick a chopstick in it and hand it to me because you didn’t want me to be sad, and we’d all be so happy, so fucking happy…” He forced a laugh from his brothers words as they painted the scenario in his mind. He was so lost and confused in his little brother words. He didn’t want Frank to die. Frank deserved his heart, he could put it to better use. He just wished none of this had ever happened.
“But it didn’t turn out that way. And I… I have to let you leave us. I have to let them take your heart and give it to Frankie, because even if I know you wouldn’t want to… leave yet, you’d rather let Frankie go on, because that’s just the kind of compassionate, wonderful person you are. So fuck you, Gee,” Finally Mikey gave him his decision. Frank needed his heart. His heart. The heart of Gerard Way. Gerard Arthur Way. Mikey was making the right decision, Frank deserved to live. It was selfish for Mikey to let his best friend die just so his brother could stay alive. Trapped forever in the overwhelming darkness. Frozen in time forever. Forever. The word rebounded off the wall’s in his brain, haunting him.
It had been settled. Frank would get his heart and could continue living. He wiped the tears from his stinging eyes as he stood off the ground. Fear no longer had hold over his body. He was no longer scared. I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. The lyrics of one of his favourite songs rang clearly in his head. Famous Last Words. Death was nothing. It was just another adventure. Another challenge for him to face. He was Gerard Way. He could do anything. Afterall, anything was better than this darkness which was slowly driving him crazy.
“Fuck you, brother. Fuck you, Gee. Fuck you.” Mikey’s profanities once again filled the silence as he stood in the dark. He could feel his brother’s anger. Don’t be angry.
“And I love you.” His brother’s words echoed through the silence. His anger completely dissolving into those three powerful words. I love you too. He wanted to scream the words, he wanted his brother to know how much he loved him. Fuck that. He wanted the whole world to know. He fucking loved his kid brother more than anything in the world. They had been so much and now the end had come so suddenly and unexpectantly.
Once again the silence followed. He wanted to scream louder, he wanted to know what was going on. This darkness was driving him insane. Now he truly knew what it was like to be kept in the dark. Put me out of my misery. His heart ached, he didn’t want to feel anymore. Give his heart to Frank. Get rid of it. It was too painful. Frank needed it more. Take it. Now. Before he cut it out himself.
“Gee? You there? Can you hear me?” Frank’s squeaky guilt filled voice now joined the silence.
“Frank.” He yelled into the pitch darkness. “Frank!”
“I know you didn’t make this decision; Mikey did, but he knew you best and… and I trust it was what you would have wanted to do. So, Gee… thank you for giving me… this chance, even if I don’t deserve it. I’m sorry for everything, for putting you here… It’s… it’s not something I could really live with, knowing that…That it could have been me, but here you are and… and… I’ll try to make the best of what you’re going to give me. Your heart. Your fucking heart, Gee… the one that made this band and helped so many kids, and it’s going to be mine. So, thank you, thank you, thank you, Gerard Arthur Way. I’ll never forget you; I can’t fucking forget you. I’ll be thinking of you now, with every single heartbeat. I love you, Gee. And don’t you fucking forget that.” Frank’s words rang in his ears, causing a single salty tear to escape his now dry eyes and drizzle down his pale cheeks. His words calming him. Reassuring him that death wasn’t the end of everything. He didn't want his friend to feel guilty for what he'd done. Gerard Way would live on, inside the chest of one of his closest friends. Frank Anthony Iero.
He clenched his eyes shut as tears threatened to return. Clenching his fists, his nails pressing against his skin leaving their mark. This was it. The end was near. No fear. Destination: Darkness. I love you. The words both Mikey and Frank had dared to speak repeated themselves in his head making him stronger. Gerard didn’t fear death.
“I miss you already.” Mikey’s voice rejoined Frank’s in the shadows. His final words were the last his ears would ever hear as the darkness wrapped itself around him. Swallowing him whole. Don’t be afraid. You could never be afraid.
The muffled voices which had been filling the darkness finally vanished, forever. It was finally happening, Death. The act of dying. The end of Life. The total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. Never to breath again, never to love again. Just, nothing. Total, Absolute Darkness.
A lone figure appeared in the distance, approaching him surrounded by a luminous light. Gliding through the empty spaces towards him. An angel?
“Grandma?” He breathed as the figure moved closer, coming to a hault only metres from his body. The warm inviting smile only to familiar. She didn’t reply, instead raised one of her frail arms gracefully into the air in front. Reaching out to Gerard, pleaing for him to take hold of her hand. This was it. This was his Black Parade. The woman who had taught him to love arts and had always encouraged him to pursue his dreams, his fondest memory. As he believed that when death came, it would come in the form of your fondest memory. This was his, Elena.
So Long, and Goodnight.
His body shook uncontrollably as he buried his face into his sweaty palms, hot tears flooded from his golden brown eyes. Where was he? Why was he here? Where was Frank? Or Mikey? Or Ray and Bob? Time dragged by as fear tore at his body. Ravaging his every limb, his every emotion, until he couldn’t feel anything else.
It felt like forever had passed as he sat crouched on the floor crying, his legs tucked into his chest while his hands cradled his head.
“Gee,” The sweet familiar voice of his brother drowned out the empty silence.
“M-Mikey?” He replied, lifting his head from it’s place in his hands and glancing around him. His eyes darting madly as he so desperately searched for his brother’s familiar face. Mikey’s voice continued to repeat his name. Echoing through the darkness like a ghostly reminder that he was alone.
“I love you.” Mikey finally spoke. His voice sounded shattered, broken, sad. Pain filled words, followed by muffled sobbing. Was Mikey crying?
Silence returned, a terrifiying reminder that he was completely alone. What had happened that night? He couldn’t remember anything. Only the lights and the screeching. Those lights, blinding his vision and leading him to this darkness that now covered him like a veil. And that gut wrenching screech that replayed his mind, still causing his ears to ring.
“..Mikey,” He sobbed quietly, burying his hands back into his sweaty palms. Never before had he felt this scared. He’d been through so much. Depression. Alcoholism. Drug Abuse. But none of that could ever match the incredible horror that had taken hold of his heart. “Mikes.” He repeated the name, over and over just as Mikey’s voice had repeated his own.
“T-they want your heart, Gee. They want it for Frankie. Frankie needs it, but you need it too, and I need it. I need you here, Gee. You can’t leave!” Mikey’s voice returned. His words scrambled and confusing. Mikey had never been good with words, it wasn’t his strong point.
“My heart?” Gerard mumbled into his hands. Why did they want his heart? Why did Frank need it? Didn’t he have his own? Gerard knew Frank had, had heart problems since he was a child. But Frank was careful, he’d never do anything which could be dangerous to his health.
“Frankie’s dying, and the doctor says you’re already dead. Or you might as well be. I don’t know. I don’t know everything, Gee! All I know is that you’re my big brother and I love you and you have to stay here. For me.” His brother’s voice drowned out the silence again, speaking the words his heart had dreaded to hear. He was dead, or might as well be. Where was Gerard going? Why did Mikey want him to stay? He didn’t even know himself. Was he asleep?
“You… you have to help me here, Gee,” Mikey's voice pleaded. There was a tingling sensation in his fingers, he could feel his brother’s grip. Tender. Soft. Warm. He glanced at his hands, but there was nothing holding onto him. Just a ghostly touch. A reminder of what human emotion was. Why couldn’t he wake up and see Mikey’s tear stained face and pull him into a brotherly hug which would make everything ok. But nothing was ok. Nothing would ever be ok again.
“I need a sign, anything! Anything to assure me that you’re not gone forever! You’re coming back, right? Right?” Mikey continued to plea. The sudden relisation of what was happening struck him. He screamed angrily, trying to reassure his brother with the sound of his voice. If he was meant to stay alive then he would be able to open his eyes and to hold his brother instead of being stuck in this eternal darkness. Right? Right.
He now knew that he wasn’t ever going to see Mikey again, or his family, or his friends. Life had dealt him a hard blow. Mikey continued to plea. His voice quiet and muffled as he tried so desperately to find the right words, until it was gone. That silence he was beginning to hate returned. So many questions nagged at his mind. Why was he dying? What was going to happen to Frank?
He burried his pale face back into his hands and tightly closed his eyes. “One. Two. Three.” He counted the numbers in his mind and quickly removed his hands and snapped his eyes open, with the hope of waking up. It didn’t work, nothing had changed. He was still in the darkness. He covered his face again and repeated his last actions, desperately wanting to be able to wake up. Still, nothing. Fate had slapped him hard in the face. His time had come and there was no denying it. Nobody could change his fate. Giving up he rocked himself back and forth in the familiar silence that had filled the empty spaces around him. Wanting to hear his brother’s voice again. He wanted Mikey to tell him what was happening and why Frank was dying.
“They left it up to me. Can you believe that? I can’t even fucking work a toaster properly, and they’re letting me decide the fate of my brother and my best friend. It’s pretty stupid, isn’t it?” Mikey’s voice returned as he forced a laugh. Mikey knew his brother wouldn’t of wanted him to feel bad. Mikey was a smart kid.
He’d now accepted his fate as he cried in the silence. And now Mikey should accept it too.
“Give Frank my heart Mikey.” He tried to tell his brother, but his words only became tangled and lost in his mouth.
“So I thought about it… and I… I thought you’d wanna give Frankie a chance to live. I know you’re more generous than I ever was, and you always, always put others before yourself.” Mikey sounded stronger now, more confident. He was proud of his brother. Frank deserved to live, and in his heart that’s all he wanted. He could die, he knew there was no chance he could ever fight to open his eyes again, but Frank didn’t deserve to the same fate.
“I just fucking wish you could tell me yourself, you know? I just want to hear it from you, but if you could do that we wouldn’t be here in the first place. We’d be staying at some cheap hotel that Brian reserved for us, and we’d be watching Nightmare Before Christmas. Bob and Frank would be bumming around… and you… you and Ray would be playing poker with potato chips, and… and I’d be trying to make popcorn without burning the place down and you’d be complaining that you didn’t want popcorn, you wanted sushi… so I’ll call up room service and I’ll watch you all laugh when you wouldn’t let me have the last California Maki. Then I’d see you smile, then you’d stick a chopstick in it and hand it to me because you didn’t want me to be sad, and we’d all be so happy, so fucking happy…” He forced a laugh from his brothers words as they painted the scenario in his mind. He was so lost and confused in his little brother words. He didn’t want Frank to die. Frank deserved his heart, he could put it to better use. He just wished none of this had ever happened.
“But it didn’t turn out that way. And I… I have to let you leave us. I have to let them take your heart and give it to Frankie, because even if I know you wouldn’t want to… leave yet, you’d rather let Frankie go on, because that’s just the kind of compassionate, wonderful person you are. So fuck you, Gee,” Finally Mikey gave him his decision. Frank needed his heart. His heart. The heart of Gerard Way. Gerard Arthur Way. Mikey was making the right decision, Frank deserved to live. It was selfish for Mikey to let his best friend die just so his brother could stay alive. Trapped forever in the overwhelming darkness. Frozen in time forever. Forever. The word rebounded off the wall’s in his brain, haunting him.
It had been settled. Frank would get his heart and could continue living. He wiped the tears from his stinging eyes as he stood off the ground. Fear no longer had hold over his body. He was no longer scared. I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. The lyrics of one of his favourite songs rang clearly in his head. Famous Last Words. Death was nothing. It was just another adventure. Another challenge for him to face. He was Gerard Way. He could do anything. Afterall, anything was better than this darkness which was slowly driving him crazy.
“Fuck you, brother. Fuck you, Gee. Fuck you.” Mikey’s profanities once again filled the silence as he stood in the dark. He could feel his brother’s anger. Don’t be angry.
“And I love you.” His brother’s words echoed through the silence. His anger completely dissolving into those three powerful words. I love you too. He wanted to scream the words, he wanted his brother to know how much he loved him. Fuck that. He wanted the whole world to know. He fucking loved his kid brother more than anything in the world. They had been so much and now the end had come so suddenly and unexpectantly.
Once again the silence followed. He wanted to scream louder, he wanted to know what was going on. This darkness was driving him insane. Now he truly knew what it was like to be kept in the dark. Put me out of my misery. His heart ached, he didn’t want to feel anymore. Give his heart to Frank. Get rid of it. It was too painful. Frank needed it more. Take it. Now. Before he cut it out himself.
“Gee? You there? Can you hear me?” Frank’s squeaky guilt filled voice now joined the silence.
“Frank.” He yelled into the pitch darkness. “Frank!”
“I know you didn’t make this decision; Mikey did, but he knew you best and… and I trust it was what you would have wanted to do. So, Gee… thank you for giving me… this chance, even if I don’t deserve it. I’m sorry for everything, for putting you here… It’s… it’s not something I could really live with, knowing that…That it could have been me, but here you are and… and… I’ll try to make the best of what you’re going to give me. Your heart. Your fucking heart, Gee… the one that made this band and helped so many kids, and it’s going to be mine. So, thank you, thank you, thank you, Gerard Arthur Way. I’ll never forget you; I can’t fucking forget you. I’ll be thinking of you now, with every single heartbeat. I love you, Gee. And don’t you fucking forget that.” Frank’s words rang in his ears, causing a single salty tear to escape his now dry eyes and drizzle down his pale cheeks. His words calming him. Reassuring him that death wasn’t the end of everything. He didn't want his friend to feel guilty for what he'd done. Gerard Way would live on, inside the chest of one of his closest friends. Frank Anthony Iero.
He clenched his eyes shut as tears threatened to return. Clenching his fists, his nails pressing against his skin leaving their mark. This was it. The end was near. No fear. Destination: Darkness. I love you. The words both Mikey and Frank had dared to speak repeated themselves in his head making him stronger. Gerard didn’t fear death.
“I miss you already.” Mikey’s voice rejoined Frank’s in the shadows. His final words were the last his ears would ever hear as the darkness wrapped itself around him. Swallowing him whole. Don’t be afraid. You could never be afraid.
The muffled voices which had been filling the darkness finally vanished, forever. It was finally happening, Death. The act of dying. The end of Life. The total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. Never to breath again, never to love again. Just, nothing. Total, Absolute Darkness.
A lone figure appeared in the distance, approaching him surrounded by a luminous light. Gliding through the empty spaces towards him. An angel?
“Grandma?” He breathed as the figure moved closer, coming to a hault only metres from his body. The warm inviting smile only to familiar. She didn’t reply, instead raised one of her frail arms gracefully into the air in front. Reaching out to Gerard, pleaing for him to take hold of her hand. This was it. This was his Black Parade. The woman who had taught him to love arts and had always encouraged him to pursue his dreams, his fondest memory. As he believed that when death came, it would come in the form of your fondest memory. This was his, Elena.
So Long, and Goodnight.