If I Could Take It Back

Elliot didn’t know how she was going to say what was on her mind, not after everything she had done to get where she was. How was she going to say that this wasn’t what she wanted? How was she going to admit this when she had hurt so many people to get where she was now?

The idea didn’t bear thinking about.

The lunch bell had already gone and her English teacher was late, yet again. He was renowned for being late every lesson, sometimes he didn’t even show up for the entire period. The rest of Elliot’s class knew this, and it was very rare that anyone else would show up until at least fifteen minutes after the bell rang. Elliot was usually no exception to this rule, but now she needed to think about her predicament. She cursed under her breath as someone else joined her outside the door. Elliot had never spoken to her, but knew her to be named Casarina. Elliot was confused, as Casarina usually had her two friends with her. Elliot suspected something was wrong, as Casarina looked upset. Fighting the urge to retreat back into her own swirling thoughts, Elliot spoke up.

"Are you all right, Casarina?" she asked. The other young woman looked surprised – Elliot usually stuck to her group of friends and that was that.

"What? No, I’m fine, thanks," she replied, slightly warily. "Why?"

"You just look a little upset, that’s all."

"I’ve had a bit of a stressful lunch period, if I’m honest," Casarina gave a thin but brave smile.

"You’re not the only one," Elliot sighed, dropping back into her thoughts. She had to admit it to herself – she was a cheat. She had never, ever cheated before, but now she had. And she also wondered why she had done it, because she couldn’t enjoy any of the benefits she had reaped.

The simple story in Elliot’s mind was that there had been a competition and Elliot had started doing the work herself, but made the mistake of telling her parents who had been so excited and expected their daughter, who was a bright and intelligent girl and bound for a brilliant future, to win hands-down. However, though Elliot was talented in the filed of writing, she had never before attempted anything like the script for a play, and others were finding it a lot easier than her.

So, perhaps she had borrowed a few ideas from a couple of other girls, two friends, who had been working beside her? She hadn’t thought it had been a big deal at the time, she had been so fixed upon her goal and so eager to please that she had committed the act without a thought for the future.

And then she had won.

Initially, she had been thrilled. But then the play had been put up on the school’s website and the drama group were producing it. And the two girls Elliot had “borrowed” ideas from had gotten a little annoyed.

Elliot sighed heavily, wondering how she was going to say she wanted her name taken off the script and the truth to come out. It was the only way to put things right.

"Elliot?"

Casarina broke into Elliot’s thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Are you all right? You look a little distant," Casarina watched Elliot with eyes that knew something was wrong.

"I’m just a little stressed, too," Elliot muttered. "I made a pretty massive mistake and now I’m wondering how to dig myself out of the hole I got myself into."

"There seems to be something going around today," Casarina sighed. "A lot of people seem to be regretting things."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Casarina gave a small smile. "I’ve fallen out with my two best friends because I couldn’t admit that I made a mistake."

"You should always admit when you make mistakes," Elliot said firmly, and Casarina nodded her agreement. "If you don’t, they just get a lot worse."

"I guess I don’t have the nerve. I left all ready to apologise but when I saw them, chickened out."

Elliot gave a small smile.

"You need to make things right. I’ve got a few things that I need to make right, too."

"Oh, really? What? Or don’t you want to say?"

Elliot decided that, once one person knew, she would have no choice but to let the truth get out, so she went for it.

"I won that script competition, remember?"

"Yeah."

"I cheated."

Elliot looked away, ashamed, and Casarina gasped.

"Elliot! I would never have thought you would do something like – what are you going to do?"

Elliot took a deep breath.

"I’m going to tell Mr. Finlee," she said firmly. "I’m disgusted with myself. I never should have done it;. I regret it more than words can ever describe."

"Why did you do it?"

"I didn’t want to appear a failure," Elliot sighed. "My parents were so excited, convinced I’d win, and I don’t deserve to win. I have to set things right. There’s more, as well. More things for me to regret. I was so focused on where I wanted to be, so confused as to what I wanted, that I hurt others to get there. The girls I stole off, they told on me, but because I’m the squeaky-clean student I was believed and I let them get disqualified for it. I need to put things right. And, Casarina? Don’t let regrets fester. Deal with them. You don’t know what they could turn into if you don’t do something about them."

Casarina nodded slowly.

"Well, I’m not going to tell anyone until you do, Elliot. That’s your place, not mine. I’ve caused enough trouble with my big mouth lately."

"Why?"

"I was bitching about my friends behind their backs, and I got caught," Casarina sighed. "It’s all my own fault, but I’m sure you know how, ever when something’s your own fault, it doesn’t make you feel as though you deserve it any less, does it?"

"No, it doesn’t," Elliot sighed. "Look, I can’t stand this anymore. I’m going to go and find him. The truth needs to come out before it’s all too late. The rehearsals start tomorrow, and I don’t want them to be performing my script. It should be the other girls’ script. They’re the ones who deserve to win."

"Good luck," Casarina smiled. "And thanks. I’m not going to let it simmer now. I’ve got a couple of people to find myself."

"Good luck to you too." Elliot managed a smile for Casarina’s sake, and then she walked away, towards the staff room.

"Elliot!"

Casarina suddenly called her. Elliot stopped and turned towards the other young girl. Casarina gave her a wink.

"If you ever feel like letting it all out, go down to the old, disused maths mobile. There’s something there I think that everyone should know about."

Elliot blinked, confused.

"Right," she said, uncertainly. "Thanks. I’ll check it out."

"You should," Casarina smiled, and then she left on her own way. Elliot paused for a moment, and then forced herself towards the staff room

She no longer knew why she was putting herself through this. She thought for some horrible, confusing second that she could live with the guilt, live with seeing the faces of the other girls as she stood up for a special round of applause at the end of the performance … but then she realised that Casarina knew. She didn’t know what it was about Casarina, but the young lady had made her realise exactly how terribly she had acted. Casarina had a quiet understanding of everything that went one around her – she was the sort of person who would work wonders as a psychiatrist.

Before she could let her bad side win, before she could take the clenched stomach and dry throat anymore, Elliot reached up and rapped three times on the door of the staff room, very business like. Another teacher opened the door.

"Yes?" she asked Elliot, peering down at her over the top of her glasses.

"I’m sorry to interrupt," Elliot said politely. "But I was wondering if Mr. Finlee was there? I need to speak to him, see, and it’s rather urgent."

"Hang on a minute, Elliot."

Most of the teachers knew Elliot, but for all the right reasons. Elliot cringed a little as suddenly Mr. Finlee appeared at the door, in his usual flustered way.

"Elliot, what’s wrong?" he checked his watch. "Oh, darn! I’m late for the class again, aren’t I? I don’t know, how long has the schedule been like this, and I still forget, I just don’t know –"

"Mr. Finlee," Elliot interrupted as politely as one could interrupt. "I’m afraid I have something I need to tell you, and you’re not going to be very pleased."

"Oh?" This revelation had got Mr. Finlee’s attention. He stepped outside the staff room and pulled the door closed. "Well, Elliot, what might this be?"

"It’s about that script competition that I won,’ Elliot’s voice was calm and soft, but inside she wished she could just wither away. ‘I’m afraid that the other two girls were right. I did take ideas from them. It wasn’t the whole script I … well, there’s no nice way to put it, is there? It wasn’t the whole thing I plagiarised, but the areas they said I took from them, I did. I’m really sorry, and I would like it if their script could be renamed as the winner. It’s the right thing to do, I feel so terribly guilty. Of course, I’d be perfectly willing to apologise face-to-face, and I accept all of the consequences that are coming my way."

Elliot looked down at her shoes, unable to meet her teacher’s eye.

"Well … this is certainly … unexpected, Elliot," Mr. Finlee muttered, wringing his hands together. "I daresay I’m very disappointed in you, but I never thought you would do such a thing."

"I do have my reasons, inadequate though they are," Elliot said softly. "My parents … they’re so used to me succeeding and I didn’t want to let them down. Plus, I’m so used to succeeding. I couldn’t bear the thought of me loosing something. I’m so very sorry, sir. I know I’ve done a horrible thing."

"A horrible thing you may have done, but at least you have the nerve to admit it, Elliot. You’ve redeemed yourself in my books in that respect. Of course, I will be calling the other young ladies down so you can admit this to them."

"Of course. Of course I will, I owe them that much," Elliot sighed. "Everyone needs to know. They all thing the other girls are the cheats, not me. I’m the only one who can clear their names."

Elliot still felt desperately sorry for herself, but she knew this was the only way to make the burning guilt go away. Mr. Finlee nodded, and, telling Elliot to wait in the office area, he went to the receptionist to ask if she would call the other girls out of class and tell them to come to reception. Elliot took a deep breath. It was time to set things right.

*

Elliot didn’t want to dwell of the awkward and upsetting meeting between her and the other girls, but she was glad now it was over. She had gone down to the old maths mobile that Casarina had told her about, and smiled thinly as she read what was written there. She recognised Casarina’s regret, but the other handwriting was strange. She wondered who Sparky was, and hope that whoever he or she was, they were OK.

She added her own little note.

EVERYONE WILL SOON KNOW ABOUT THIS, BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY IN ADVANCE THAT I’M REALLY SORRY FOR THE PEOPLE I HURT, JUST SO I COULD SUCCEED. I WASN’T EVEN THAT INTERESTED, I JUST HAD TO BE AT THE TOP AND I REGRET THAT. I’M SORRY.

She didn’t read it over again, instead she went to classes as normal, nervous about the assembly at the end of the day. Fridays were strange in her school, as the assembly was at the end of the day instead of the beginning. But Elliot knew what she had in store was the right thing.

She saw Casarina as she waited outside the assembly hall.

"How’d it go?" Casarina asked quietly. "Did you say anything?"

"Yeah, I told Mr. Finlee," Elliot managed a small smile. "It wasn’t pleasant, but it needed to be said."

"Are you coming into the hall?"

"No, I’ve got something to do," Elliot gave a brave wink, but spoke up again before Casarina could reply. "How did things go with you and your friends?"

"Well, we’re not best mates again, but at least we’re being civil to one another," Casarina gave a small laugh. "I told them I understood I’d made a mistake and that I accepted it was my fault, and they’re sort of being less frosty now. So hopefully that means things can only get better!"

"Good on you!" Elliot smiled, before they heard the sound of everyone getting ready in the hall. Casarina hurried in with a wave and Elliot made her way up the small staircase and onto the stage. She stood out of view until she was given the nod, and then she walked calmly to the microphone.

"Hi," she said, nervous now. "My name’s Elliot, as most of you know, and I recently won the script-writing competition. As we all know, people make mistakes, and when there’s no one to blame but yourself, it makes things a lot harder. Don’t let anything you regret fester by itself, it will only get worse. That’s why I’m here. I have something I need to confess …"