If I Could Take It Back

Rain dribbled down Autumn’s face as she stood, shivering, her coat wrapped tightly around her. Her teardrops were lost in the rain as she stood, silently grieving over the situation that she knew was her fault.

She felt slightly strange, as though she shouldn’t be where she was right now. She felt almost like a stalker, but she couldn’t help but stand under the large tree that was dripping huge blobs of water onto her, looking up at the house that she had once loved to see.

Now, she couldn’t stand it.

Eric’s house was empty at the moment, and Autumn was glad. She didn’t want him to catch her standing outside his house like some crazed obsessed ex. He was angry with her, Autumn understood that much. She couldn’t really blame him.

She sighed and dragged her feet away, heading through the rain towards the school. She didn’t want to go in today; she barely wanted to get out of bed. But how could she expect sympathy over something that was all her fault?

Autumn could feel everyone’s eyes on her as she walked slowly through the school, feeling numb, dazed. She knew everyone was shocked. Two days ago, she had been the girl everyone wanted to be. She was pretty, intelligent, she always looked her best, but she never looked down on anyone. She was kind and thoughtful and slightly hyper, and she had also been going out with the nicest - and the hottest - guy in school.

Now, her hair was plastered wildly to her wet face, she was wearing not a scrap of makeup, her clothes were soaked through, and the most shocking thing of all? She didn’t care.

"Autumn –" someone began, but Autumn shook them off.

"I’m fine," she said flatly, not even looking up. She walked slowly to her locker and found the key. Dropping it because of her numb fingers, she snatched it back up again, tears stinging her eyes.

For crying out loud, Autumn! she mentally yelled at herself. Pull yourself together! What’s wrong with you? You only dropped a key and you’re trying not to cry!

Autumn took her damp books out of her soaking bag and shoved them unceremoniously into her locker, slamming the door shut. She abandoned her bag on a nearby radiator, hoping it would dry a little, and made her way to her homeroom. People brushed past her, talking, gossiping, ranting, laughing, and Autumn staggered through in a daze of her own.

She turned the corner. And she saw him.

Autumn felt as though a bucket of ice-cold water had been thrown straight over her – she gasped and froze. Eric looked up at her, his eyes hardened as they travelled over Autumn, and then he turned his head and continued talking to his friends. He gave no other indication that Autumn even existed.

Autumn let out a choked sob, and before she knew it, she was sobbing hysterically. She turned and fled back down the corridor, staggering into the girl’s bathroom and leaning over the sink, tears pouring down her face, barely able to breathe. Why had she let him go? She loved him, he loved her back, and she had broken things off with him all because she had been scared he would do it first.

"You’re so stupid!" Autumn sobbed to herself. "You only did what you did to protect yourself, and look what happened! Why can’t you just be happy? Why do you have to be so insecure?"

Autumn didn’t hear the door creak open behind her, and she realised too late that another girl was standing uncertainly behind her. Autumn frantically wiped her eyes and went to the hand dryer, flicking it so it was pointing at her face. She busied herself trying to dry her hair, which had previously been beautifully straight. Now, it was its natural wild and curly self. Autumn never looked ugly, but right now she looked tragic.

"Autumn, are you all right?" the other girl eventually asked, louder than she would have wanted, but having no other choice because of the dryer. "Well, obviously you’re not, but … do you want to talk about it?"

Autumn sighed and turned around, before blinking.

"You were up in assembly on Friday, weren’t you?" she asked. "Elliot?"

"Yeah, that’s me," Elliot smiled thinly.

"You had guts to do what you did."

"No, I didn’t. I was just setting things straight."

"Still," Autumn said softly, running her hand through her tangled hair to try and make it look more presentable. "I don’t think I could have done it."

"What’s happened, Autumn?" Elliot asked delicately.

"It’s nothing," Autumn sighed. "Eric and I split up, that’s all."

"That’s all?" Elliot asked, her eyes widening. "But you and Eric … I’d never have thought that you’d break up!"

"Don’t," Autumn whispered. "It’s all my fault, Elliot, so I don’t want any sympathy. I treated Eric like a piece of crap. I dumped him."

Elliot looked surprised; Autumn didn’t blame her.

"I was so scared of him finding someone better than me, you know? I was so caught up in my own damn insecurities that I left him before he could leave me, trying to protect myself." Autumn let out a harsh laugh. "Certainly backfired on me, didn’t it?"

Elliot shifted from foot to foot, not really knowing what she could say.

"Well, you still have a right to be upset even if you left him," she said. "It won’t be any easier for you."

"No, I would say it’s harder. I’ve got the heartbreak because I don’t have him anymore, I’ve got the guilt because I broke it off even though I knew he loved me, and I have the regret because now I want him back, and –" Autumn’s voice choked up and she had to stop and swallow. "And now he hates me."

Tears spurted down Autumn’s cheeks again and she turned away defiantly, not wanting them to take her over once more.

"That sounds really tough," Elliot said, unable to keep the sympathy out of her voice even though Autumn claimed she didn’t deserve it.

"Well, I was the one who gave him up," Autumn shrugged, trying to pull off that she was OK, that she understood that this was her lot and she had to deal with it, but she couldn’t. She sighed, feeling utterly defeated. "You know what? I’m heading home. I can’t be bothered with this and my head’s killing me, plus I look like a drowned rat. Don’t worry about me. If anyone needs people around him, it’s Eric. God knows how badly I broke his heart, and I hate myself for it."

"Here, before you go, take this," Elliot suddenly said, just as Autumn headed for the door. She looked around, confused, and her look of confusion intensified as she saw that Elliot was holding out a purple Sharpie marker.

"A Sharpie," Autumn managed a weak grin. "It’ll solve all my problems, I’m sure."

Elliot gave a slight laugh.

"I know it seems mad, but trust me, you’ll understand soon enough."

"Well, all right. What have I got to loose?" Autumn asked, as she took the marker from Elliot. Elliot smiled.

"Just trust me," she winked, and Autumn nodded. Then, she was hurrying down the deserted corridor to grab her bags and get to the nurse, so she could get out of here. She would lie through her teeth if she had to, but she doubted that she would need to. One look at her would tell anyone she would catch her death if she stayed in these damp clothes, but then she had been outside Eric’s house for a good hour.

Her books and bags were still soaked, but Autumn no longer cared. She slammed her locker closed and shoved the key into her pocket, feeling the Sharpie brush against her fingers. She frowned, wondering what Elliot was doing giving her a Sharpie.

She spun around and nearly bumped straight into someone, and she let out a shriek. He grinned.

"Sorry, I startle you?"

"Oh my God, Alex, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you grin," Autumn gasped, her hand on her heart. "You’re too quiet, you know that?"

"You should look where you’re going,’ he chuckled. ‘You heading home?"

"How do you know?"

"You look like you’ve fallen into a bath."

"I may as well have done. Well, I’ll see you round."

"Yeah, have fun."

"I’m sure I will."

Alexander chuckled to himself again as Autumn hurried off, pulling a face at the thought of the rain outside. Alexander had undergone a remarkable change over the weekend, Autumn thought. Though he was still shy and quiet, he was a lot more easy-going when he was one-on-one with people. And she hadn’t been lying – she hadn’t seen him smile before today. She shrugged. It looked like she was in for a strange day.

It didn’t take much effort to persuade the nurse to allow her home – a few fake sniffs and coughs did it, considering her appearance. She signed out at the office and left, hurrying through the torrential rain. It was so dark it seemed like night; above her, the sky was just a swirling mass of black. As she watched, a bolt of bright lightning ripped the sky in half – followed immediately afterwards by a loud crack of thunder.

Autumn shivered – she didn’t fancy being out when the thunderstorm was directly overhead, but she still wanted to go home. She wasn’t going down the small alley to the road, though – it was lined with huge trees. There was a high chance of one getting hit when the storm was this close, so she turned and headed out towards the field, instead. There were no trees there and it wouldn’t take her as long to walk home from that direction.

She nearly didn’t notice until the last minute. She froze when she saw the wall of the old mobile, her fingers subconsciously wrapping themselves around the Sharpie. A small smiled played over her lips; she recognised Elliot’s message, but the other two she couldn’t pinpoint. The rain was dribbling down her face as she walked slowly over to the wall, and before she knew it, she was writing her own little confession. It was harder because of the rain soaking everything around her, but she went over it a few times and it didn’t smear. Her message was simple.

I GAVE HIM UP, AND I’M SO, SO SORRY. I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE BACK WHAT I DECIDED TO DO. ANYTHING.

She only glanced at it quickly when she had written it, but then Autumn decided to leave. She had said all she wanted to say. She didn’t even care if Eric saw it – she wanted him to know.

As she was about to turn back to the field and head home, she heard the school door fly open over the rain, and she saw Eric hurrying out, across to his car which was parked a small distance away. He seemed to be heading home as well, and Autumn wondered how badly he was hurting.

"Eric!" she suddenly yelled, but she knew there was no chance of him hearing her. She didn’t care, however; she didn’t even know if she wanted him to hear her. She yelled again, but there was a clap of thunder, and she was the only one in the world to hear what she said next.

"I love you!"

His car’s reverse lights went on, Eric backed up and turned the car, and then Autumn watched as he drove away. The school building blocked him from her view quickly, and she stood watching where his car had been, the rain drumming around her.

Then, she sighed and turned away, and continued walking home.