If I Could Take It Back

Clarissa sighed as she watched him turn at the bottom of her garden path and give her a cheery wave. She forced a smile and gave him a brief wave back, wishing that she had spoken up. It wasn’t his fault she felt like this – well, it was, - but he just didn’t realise it. He was a man, and sometimes men needed telling straight, didn’t they? Still, Clarissa regretted not telling him how upset he had made her that night.

It had been simple enough – they had been joking around, laughing about how weird and awesome it would be if they ended up married. They had been dating for about eighteen months now, and so the subject came up frequently. Clarissa had been saying about how her parents had been together at her age, and in less than a year from Clarissa’s age now, Clarissa’s mother had been pregnant with her.

Matthew had looked shocked at this, and Clarissa had risen an eyebrow in question.

"What?" she asked. "They were in love, so why not?"

"Well, they were eighteen," Matthew said. "Do you not think that’s a bit young?"

"No, not when you’re in love and engaged to be married!" Clarissa had argued her
point. "It’s not like it was a quick fling or anything. They’d been dating for years."

"I don’t know, eighteen would be too young for me. If you got preggers at eighteen I’d run as far as my legs would take me." Matthew had laughed but Clarissa had been stunned. However, her reaction had gone straight over Matthew’s head, and he had calmly begun to flick through the channels on TV.

Clarissa was now standing at the window in the front room, watching where he had been standing a few moments before. The day’s earlier thunderstorm had finally cleared up and the sky, though darkening because of the approaching night, was no longer the swirling mass of angry black and grey it had been only hours before. Clarissa wished her mood would match the sky, but her own thoughts were black and grey and swirling.

"Why would he say that?" she muttered to herself.

"You all right, dear?"

Clarissa turned around, surprised, to see her mother standing behind her with a basket of washing, getting it ready for the ironing.

"I’m fine, Mom," she smiled.

"Not boyfriend trouble, I hope?" her mother raised her eyebrows in the way Clarissa did so often herself.

"Sort of," Clarissa sighed, knowing it was useless to lie to her mother.

"What’s he said, then?"

"Just, we were talking about how young you and Dad were when you had me, and he said if he got me knocked up at eighteen he’d do a runner!" Clarissa blurted out, the annoyance showing in her speech. "Why would he say that? We’ve been dating for well over a year. Eighteen months last week, to be precise!"

Clarissa’s mother laughed.

"Mom!" Clarissa burst out, folding her arms.

"Sweetheart, you can’t get upset about something like that! He’s a seventeen year old lad, babies are not on his list of things to have. Cars and video games and hip CDs are!"

"Mom, never say the word hip again," Clarissa cringed.

"Why not? It’s hip."

Clarissa groaned.

"And it’s lush."

"Mom! No one says lush anymore."

"I do."

"That’s because you’re totally uncool."

"I’m so cool I don’t realise I’m cool, and that’s what makes me cool."

Clarissa rolled her eyes in horror.

"Well, thanks for letting me realise that I have a loon for a mother."

"It’s my job, honey. I shouldn’t worry about Matthew. I’m sure he didn’t mean it maliciously; you know what men are like. When I told your father I was expecting you I thought he was going to be smuggling himself to Mexico, the look on his face!"

"I just wish I’d told him it upset me," Clarissa sighed. "Because if I ever bring it up again, he’ll think I’m being stupid."

"Well, it is a bit of a silly thing to get upset about, Clari," her mother said gently. "No one knows how they’re going to react in a situation like that. He probably just said it and didn’t even think twice. Go on upstairs and get yourself a bath and shrug it off. I’m sure it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or whatever other horrible scenario you’re concocting in that hormonal mind of yours."

"Mom, you are so embarrassing," Clarissa groaned, as she headed for the door.

"Besides!" she heard her mother yell after her, as she headed for the stairs. "You’re seventeen! You should not be discussing becoming sexually active!"

"Mom!"

"What’s this?"

Clarissa’s father had picked up on the dreaded S-word that no father wants to hear being associated with his teenage daughter. Clarissa saw her mother wink and laugh as she hurried up the stairs, cringing.

"Parents," she muttered.

*

The next day, at school, she got a more pleasing reaction from her friends, who were just as outraged as she had been. All apart from Autumn, that was, who never wanted to hear about boys again as long as she lived. Clarissa felt desperately sorry for her. Autumn hadn’t been hanging around in their group for long, but Clarissa knew enough about her to know that she was devastated over Eric and had loved him dearly. Clarissa couldn’t begin to imagine life without Matthew.

"How are you doing?" she asked her friend tentatively as they made their way to first period biology together.

"Still feel like crap," Autumn sighed. "But I couldn’t keep taking days off. It’s a little pathetic."

"I don’t know, I would never get out of my bed again if me and Matt split up."

"Are you going to tell him her upset you?"

"No. I’m just going to leave it – he’s probably forgotten about it now anyway." Clarissa managed a small smile, remembering the quick kiss they had stolen together before rushing off to their separate homerooms. It was obvious that Matthew was oblivious to Clarissa’s annoyance. "There’s no use dragging things up."

"No, I suppose not," Autumn sighed. "Though, Clarissa, if I were you, I wouldn’t let things fester. You should always say how you feel in future, don’t let them brew. If I’d just told Eric about my fears, I would never have broken up with him. I bet you regret not telling Matt, don’t you?"

"Yeah," Clarissa admitted, stunned at her friend’s accuracy. "But, what could I have said? He would have only thought I was nagging."

"Well, you are a woman. It is your duty to nag," Autumn managed a smile. "But next time, don’t let it happen, all right?"

"All right."

They walked in silence until they reached to top floor and their biology lab.

"Have you heard about the maths wall?" Clarissa suddenly asked, and Autumn looked up.

"Yeah, strange, isn’t it?"

"I think it’s a pretty good idea, though the teachers will go ballistic."

"Apparently some of them have already seen, but haven’t said anything. It’s probably a nice form of therapy or something."

"Have you written anything on it?"

"Yeah," Autumn blushed, and Clarissa smiled but didn’t prompt her any further, and Autumn was grateful for this.

"I might, actually. I wonder if the teachers will do anything about it?"

"Well, it looks pretty arty, actually," Autumn said, managing a smile. "Everyone’s used a different Sharpie and the writing’s not in any set order, so things overlap and join and it looks like some sort of big mural. It would be interesting to get everyone to do it."

"I bet there’s some sad things on there."

"There’s only four at the moment, but a couple are a little sad. You should check it out after class, or whatever."

*

Clarissa did, and she recognised Autumn’s instantly, and the girl Elliot’s. The other two she wasn’t one hundred per cent sure about, but she knew it wasn’t her place to pry. Her message was also a simple one.

I DIDN’T TELL HIM HOW UPSET HE MADE ME, AND I REGRET IT. I’M SCARED IT’LL TURN INTO RESENTMENT.

Though she felt slightly embarrassed as she wrote, when she took a step away she felt as though a load had been lifted off her shoulders, for that was her unvoiced fear. Autumn had been right, she needed to be honest with Matt. She needed to let him know what her mother would call the “red zones” – for example, answers to the classic “do I look fat?” question was in the “red zone” - most of them, anyway.

"And so’s the “I’m going to ditch you if I send you up the duff” statement," Clarissa muttered, and she was just about to turn away when she spotted another few words written under Autumn’s message. They were tiny but Clarissa made them out. I’m waiting for you to take it back, babe.

Clarissa’s eyes widened and she suddenly felt a strange rush of affection for the wall. Feeling a little stupid that she felt affection for an inanimate object, she hurried back towards the school.

"You know what I just discovered?" she asked breathlessly, coming up behind Autumn and making her jump.

"What?" Autumn asked, as she span round to face her friend.

"Letting those deep, dark regrets out, no matter how small and stupid they can be, always seems to come back in the right way," she winked.

"What are you on?" Autumn asked, laughing slightly.

"I would check the wall again," Clarissa whispered, before she spotted Matthew. Her regret was easy to remedy, and she was happy for that.

"Whoah! What’s all this about?" Matthew asked, as Clarissa walked over and pretended to slap him.

"You," she managed to keep a straight face, going back on her earlier statement that she wouldn’t mention it. "Hurt my feelings last night, and I’m not telling you why until you guess."

She kissed his cheek, winked, and went back down the corridor to her friends, hearing Matt’s friends laughing behind her.

"You’re in trouble now, Matty!" one of them laughed.

Autumn had already vanished, and Clarissa could feel something in the air. She wondered what was going to happen to her friend and Eric, and she hoped for the best.

"You coming?" one of Clarissa’s other friends asked her.

"Yeah, let’s get food," Clarissa grinned.

Her regret wasn’t as dramatic as some on that wall, but Clarissa still felt liberated by the events that had happened in only an hour. As long as she could admit these things to herself, she guessed she’s be all right.