If I Could Take It Back

"And because, as teenagers, we’re always caught up in our own problems, we sometimes fail to see what’s going on around us. So that’s what I decided I wanted my message to be. Perhaps, even if it’s just a couple of times a day, you could open your eyes and have a look around you. Take notice of the person who’s a little quiet, or the person who’s changed a little over the last few weeks. Say hi to the loner kid. Don’t judge someone as quickly. Remember that we all have our own problems and regrets and sometimes we don’t get a chance to realise it in time. So try. Try to open your eyes a little and pay attention to everyone around you." Aaralynn grinned a little shyly. "And I … I guess that’s it. That’s my assignment. What do you think, Mrs. M?"

Isabella wasn’t really paying attention as their English teacher praised Aaralynn for actually having an assignment in on time for once. Isabella herself hadn’t written a single word on their assignment. The topic had been Things You Wish You Had Known Sooner..

There had been the usual ones – wishing they’d known procrastinating never benefited, wishing they’d known that arguing with friends never got you anywhere. There were the funny ones, like wishing they’d known their mothers would notice if they dyed their hair vivid purple or got their noses pierced. Then there had been the serious ones, like Aaralynn’s, of life-changing epiphanies which only happened every so often.

This made Isabella even more nervous – she felt her palms grow sweaty as she thought about what she was going to tell the class. She hadn’t written the assignment, because she didn’t think she would be able to put it into words. Instead, she was just going to allow it to come from the heart, and hope that she could reach out to the class in what she had to say.

Everyone was surprised when Isabella stood up without a fuss as her name was called. Whereas Aaralynn usually handed her assignments in late, Isabella didn’t hand them in at all. Isabella was known to be a bit of a rebel, she was always in some sort of trouble but usually laughed it off. Despite her tough exterior and the fact she perhaps hung around with those her parents would describe as “the wrong crowd”, she was nice when you got to know her, if a little eccentric.

"Well," she began nervously. "I know you’re probably as shocked as I am that I have something to say, but as embarrassing and shameful as this is going to be for me, I feel that I need to share this with you. …"

*

Isabella was in a different world. She felt as though she were weightless as she span around on the dance floor, blending everything into a beautiful rainbow of rotating colours. Her friend, Darcy, was laughing hysterically, but Isabella didn’t know what at.

"What’s up with you?" Isabella finally asked, for her friend was making her laugh as well.

"You look like Christmas has come early, Izzy," Darcy laughed. "I never thought you’d take to these things so easily."

"Shh!" Isabella whispered dramatically, and as she did so she could almost feel the security in the place watching her, wanting to see that tell-tale little bag of pills she had hidden in her pocket.

"You shouldn’t hold them for him, Izzy," Darcy said, thinking she sounded serious but being betrayed by her slurring.

"He’ll be back soon," Isabella said. "I’m not keeping them at closing time. I’m not getting caught by coppers for things that aren’t even mine. Anyway, chill out, darling! We’re in a club!"

The rest of the night passed in a blur and the young man who owned the pills – Isabella never got his name – did turn up to take them back. After that, Isabella and Darcy were free to dance and drink as much as they wanted, though by now Isabella felt more than drunk.

"Did you have any?" she slurred to her friend as she held onto the bar for support. It seemed as though the previously beautiful dancing colours were turning against her, turning dark, turning scary and evil.

"No! You know I’m not into that, Izzy. Why, how many did you take? Because I don’t fancy a trip to the hospital."

"Only two. I think?" Isabella frowned. Surely it wouldn’t be anymore? She would be dead, or at least that’s what they told them in drugs talks at school.

Isabella looked around herself. It was a truly amazing scene to watch, at any rate. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, a swirling kaleidoscope of bright colours slowed down so much she could almost touch them. Perhaps she could? Perhaps she could feel them? She wondered what they would taste like.

A throng of people approaching the bar put Darcy out of Isabella’s sight, but it didn’t bother Isabella as it would have done usually. Instead, she wandered off herself, lurching around in slow motion, skipping and swirling through the tide of colours.

She ended up in the bathroom, and the spell was broken. The bathroom walls were plain white, the floor was plain white, the basins and the toilets – all plain white, and it stopped Isabella in her tracks.

"Damn boring in here," she said out loud, and if there were anyone in the bathroom at the time, she didn’t hear a reply. She went stood at the basin and leant her hands against it, staring at herself in the mirror. Her makeup was smeared over her face and someone had poured drink over her top, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care about anything at the moment.

The door opened and a familiar face walked in. Instantly, the atmosphere in the bathroom became tense.

Stacy had hated Isabella for years, and Isabella acknowledged that the feeling had always been mutual. They were opposites, and so obviously they had clashed. Stacy thought that Isabella was an attention seeking moron who got into trouble to make herself look hard, and Isabella thought that Stacy was a stuck up bitch who ass-licked people to get good grades. Needless to say, alone in a bathroom with one another was not a good place for either girl to find herself.

"How the Hell did you get in here?" Stacy scoffed. "You look about twelve, never mind twenty-one."

"Evidently not," Isabella slurred, though she didn’t notice. "I suppose you just slept with someone to get in here, eh?"

"Oh, real original," Stacy laughed, going to the mirror and beginning to apply some foundation as though she and Isabella were old friends having a catch-up chat. "How about you find something new?"

"You know, if people keep saying it there has to be some truth in it." Isabella shrugged.

"You’re just jealous because no one would want to sleep with you."

"Because you know so much about my sex life, don’t you?" Isabella rolled her eyes. The drink and drugs were making her bolder. She could take Stacy on. And her friends. She was invincible.

"I just know for a fact that you think you’re so cool and original but in actual fact everyone’s wishing you’d just shut the Hell up and stop thinking the whole place revolves around you, darling," Stacy shrugged, and Isabella laughed.

"Right back at you, bitch."

"Did you just all me a bitch?" Stacy demanded, turning to face Isabella, who laughed loudly.

"What, we’re all ghetto now, are we?" she chuckled. "Yeah, I did. Why? You know it’s true."

The thoughts came back to her. Isabella was invincible. Nothing could stop her tonight. Bring it on. Bring it on!

*

"You all know how me and Stacy used to loathe one another," Isabella told the classroom, which was stunned into complete silence. No one budged. "Anyway, it was a long time coming that we would end up fighting like alley cats, and we did that night. Usually, I would never hit anyone. I don’t know what it is – I don’t know if I’m scared, or if I can’t be bothered, all I know is that it’s not in my nature to fight. I would much rather just have it out with words and then go for the good old silent treatment for a while. But I was drunk, and I was on drugs. I think it was the drugs that did it.

"Anyway, it all happened in slow motion. I seemed to be able to block and dodge everything she threw at me and I hate to admit it, but I did some damage. Obviously, security was alerted, and we were dragged out. The police were called, and now I’m in a whole heap of trouble.

"That’s the real reason I was off all that time. That’s the real reason Stacy has that black eye, and although she’s not in this room I am sorry. I would never have done anything like that usually.

"I guess the moral of this is that I wish I had known what an idiot drugs would have made me sooner. In all of these talks we get, they scare us with stories of death and addiction and hallucinations and bad trips, but even when you get away with it like I did, you turn into someone completely different. I was a monster, and now I have a court date for assault. You know what that means? I could end up in a detention centre. The easiest I’ll get will be a hefty fine and probation. And for what? Nothing, that’s what. So this isn’t just something I wish I had known sooner, this is something I’ll regret for the rest of my life. I’m technically a criminal. What does that say about my parents? And it wasn’t even their fault, but they’ll get all of the disapproving stares in court. I messed up. So next time someone offers you something, just think about the consequences, even when you get away with it. That’s it."

It was strange. As Isabella walked out of the doors at lunchtime, to go and be by herself for a while, she thought she would have felt more liberated now that the truth was out and she had succeeded in warning everyone. But strangely, she still felt ashamed.

She guessed this was something she wouldn’t just free herself of anytime soon.

The wall had become school-famous by now, and Isabella guessed she might as well follow the trends for once in her life. She was a fan of art, and she thought that this might be the most inspiring thing she had ever seen. Everyone, using a different colour, helping themselves come to terms with the things that they’d done, and leaving a legacy for others to admire. It was with a sense of excitement as well as shame that Isabella penned her own little legacy.

I REGRET TAKING STUFF THAT MADE ME DO STUPID THINGS. I’M SORRY, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. EVERYONE ELSE: STAY STRONG. YOU’LL BE OK.

Now she felt a little more liberated, though she knew it was far from over. She guessed this was just another chapter in her life that she could file away and learn from.

After all, everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it? And Isabella reckoned that if she could learn from this regret and never do it again, then perhaps all was not lost just yet. Not quite.