My 21st Century Breakdown
Lily.
That night Billie couldn't sleep for thinking about Lily. They'd all come back to his and played for a while then sat about drinking and eating cold pizza. Tre and Mike had spoken to Lily quite a bit but he, he couldn't bring himself to talk to her he just couldn't. He felt a little ashamed, he'd never been like that with anyone, usually he was pretty chatty with people, especially once he'd got to know them.
A couple of times he'd noticed Darcy glaring at him but he just ignored her. Then as fewer people were left and Mike and Tre decided to go to bed he'd made an excuse to go to bed too. He didn't want to be left alone with Darcy and Lily. What could he say to her? He knew Darcy was pissed off with him as she hadn't even said goodbye when she'd left. Lily did though, he could still hear her voice.
"Thank you for a lovely evening, hopefully we can all get together again soon, its been fun." And then they were gone.
"Hopefully we can get together soon." Billie said to himself then slammed his fist into his pillow, flung himself over and tried to get some sleep.
***
He was in the basement laying back on a beanbag smoking when Darcy came in.
"Put that fucking cigarette out, I need to talk to you." She said to him, her hands on hips. He knew he was in for a talking to, he'd seen this face on her many times over.
He ignored the remark about the cigarette. "What's up?" He said and exhaled a huge waft of smoke.
"What's up?" Darcy shrieked. "How dare you ask me what's up. Please tell me you don't know why I'm annoyed with you Billie. You must know." She said. She didn't move, just stood there glaring at him. He loved her and hated her at the same time. She could read him like a book.
"Its because I didn't speak to Lily isn't it." He said then got up and picked up is old guitar blue from the guitar stand in the corner.
"And the rest." Darcy said going over towards him. "You totally and utterly ignored her. You didn't acknowlege her at all. I don't believe you, I've known you for years and you've never been this rude to anyone before. What the fuck is wrong with you Billie? I'm ashamed of you. I told her so much about you guys how you were my best friends, especially you, when I used to speak to her on the phone while she lived in England all I ever did was tell her what you and I got up to. She was dying to meet you and you act like this. Your disgusting."
But Billie didn't reply, head down as usual he started playing Blue.
"Billie did you hear me, what's wrong." She said getting closer to him.
Suddenly Billie put Blue back onto the stand and turned to Darcy, running his fingers through his wavy dark hair.
"I don't know. I really don't know what came over me. I...I just couldn't talk to her Darcy, I knew what it looked like but I...I just couldn't do it. I didn't know what to say I...just clammed up. I'm sorry and yes you're right I'm disgusting. I couldn't sleep last night but...I can't help it."
"I don't get it, you know, even after your behaviour she still said she loved your music, she wants to go back to the Gilman again and said about us all going out somewhere, may be for a pizza or something but I'm not sure."
"Sorry Darcy, I...just don't know how to act around her. I want her to look at me and talk to me."
"Just be yourself you idiot." Darcy responded. "That's all she'd want, just be yourself, pretend she can see you, she'd appreciate it. She's been through a lot in her life, she's come to a new country to live, she's lost her father and <i>you</i> should know how that feels. Give her a chance, she's good company, she's funny. Just be yourself. Can I bring her round tonight?"
Billie didn't speak.
"Billie!" Darcy said. "I've seen a new side to you that I don't like. Give Lily a chance, I'm bringing her round tonight whether you like it or not, you'd better be on your best behaviour."
She didn't even let him respond, she was gone and Billie was left alone.
He picked up Blue, went over to the beanbag and lay back down.
***
She was sitting on an old sofa in the corner of the basement, her glossy hair was shining under the lights and <i>still</i> he hadn't spoken to her. Tre had greeted her warmly and Mike had got her a drink and had sat her down. Darcy was standing nearby and as he sang he glanced in her direction and she was frowning at him. He knew that frown well and he hated himself. What was up with him? He was playing OK but not great and he'd fluffed a few lines and they'd just started this same song for the third time over because he'd got it wrong.
They still sounded good though, more than good and even though Darcy was pissed with him she still sang along.
Then he glanced at Lily. It was as though she was looking at him, looking directly at him and smiling but of course she wasn't she wasn't looking at him because she didn't see him, didn't know what he looked like, would never know the true colour of his eyes and would never see the tattooes that he loved on his body. But looking at her now as they wrapped up for the evening it was as though she could see right through him.
As he put down his guitar back onto the stand he knew this was it. He knew he'd have to go and speak to them, well, Lily, what he'd say he'd never know but to keep the peace with Darcy he'd have to do it.
"That was great even though you messed up." Said Darcy giving him a peck on the cheek. She was annoyed at him but she couldn't help like Billie, he was her best friend and they'd shared loads. Intense conversations, stupid, stupid conversations, they'd played naked in the pool in Billie's yard. Well, that was when they were three.
"Thanks for reminding me that I messed up." Billie said returning Darcy's kiss.
"I didn't notice you mess up." Said Lily then standing up. She was tiny but her eyes were bright and expectant. "I thought you were fantastic, you play the guitar well."
"You can talk Lily, you play the piano fantastically," Darcy said to her and linked her arm through hers, just to let her know that she was safe.
"You play piano?" Billie said. "I've always wanted to play the piano, I...I'd love to hear you play." He said. Her head moved upwards and their eyes met but of course they didn't really it just felt like it.
"No time like the present," said Darcy,
"No, wait, I'm a little tired," Lily said turning to her cousin. "Maybe...maybe another time, perhaps tomorrow?"
Billie was sure she'd blushed but he couldn't be sure as she turned away, she suddenly seemed shy and he felt ashamed of himself for avoiding this girl.
"OK, whatever, tomorrow should be fine, you can come to ours, our Moms will be out so...yeah tomorrow will be good, I can cook pizza." Darcy said.
"Is...is that OK with you Billie?" Lily said glancing unseeingly towards him again.
"It will be just fine, I'm looking forward to it but I'm not sure about Darcy cooking pizza as you must know by now, she burns everything."
"Fuck off, loser," said Darcy but they all laughed together and once again Billie thought that Lily was the prettiest girl he'd ever met.
***
For the second night in a row Billie couldn't sleep very well, for some reason he had a dream about being blind and playing in front of a crowd of people but he couldn't see them, just hear them and it freaked him out he woke up with a start and glanced over at the clock. It read 4am but knew he wouldn't be able to get any more sleep so he headed down to the kitchen, made himself a hot milky drink and sat down at the table with his pad and pen but this time he was stuck, he wanted to write a song but the only thing that was coming to him was a poem, he hadn't written poetry in years, not since school but this one came to him so easy it was as though it was already written out in front of him and he was copying the words down.
At the bottom of the page at the end of the poem he wrote one word, a name.
Lily.
A couple of times he'd noticed Darcy glaring at him but he just ignored her. Then as fewer people were left and Mike and Tre decided to go to bed he'd made an excuse to go to bed too. He didn't want to be left alone with Darcy and Lily. What could he say to her? He knew Darcy was pissed off with him as she hadn't even said goodbye when she'd left. Lily did though, he could still hear her voice.
"Thank you for a lovely evening, hopefully we can all get together again soon, its been fun." And then they were gone.
"Hopefully we can get together soon." Billie said to himself then slammed his fist into his pillow, flung himself over and tried to get some sleep.
***
He was in the basement laying back on a beanbag smoking when Darcy came in.
"Put that fucking cigarette out, I need to talk to you." She said to him, her hands on hips. He knew he was in for a talking to, he'd seen this face on her many times over.
He ignored the remark about the cigarette. "What's up?" He said and exhaled a huge waft of smoke.
"What's up?" Darcy shrieked. "How dare you ask me what's up. Please tell me you don't know why I'm annoyed with you Billie. You must know." She said. She didn't move, just stood there glaring at him. He loved her and hated her at the same time. She could read him like a book.
"Its because I didn't speak to Lily isn't it." He said then got up and picked up is old guitar blue from the guitar stand in the corner.
"And the rest." Darcy said going over towards him. "You totally and utterly ignored her. You didn't acknowlege her at all. I don't believe you, I've known you for years and you've never been this rude to anyone before. What the fuck is wrong with you Billie? I'm ashamed of you. I told her so much about you guys how you were my best friends, especially you, when I used to speak to her on the phone while she lived in England all I ever did was tell her what you and I got up to. She was dying to meet you and you act like this. Your disgusting."
But Billie didn't reply, head down as usual he started playing Blue.
"Billie did you hear me, what's wrong." She said getting closer to him.
Suddenly Billie put Blue back onto the stand and turned to Darcy, running his fingers through his wavy dark hair.
"I don't know. I really don't know what came over me. I...I just couldn't talk to her Darcy, I knew what it looked like but I...I just couldn't do it. I didn't know what to say I...just clammed up. I'm sorry and yes you're right I'm disgusting. I couldn't sleep last night but...I can't help it."
"I don't get it, you know, even after your behaviour she still said she loved your music, she wants to go back to the Gilman again and said about us all going out somewhere, may be for a pizza or something but I'm not sure."
"Sorry Darcy, I...just don't know how to act around her. I want her to look at me and talk to me."
"Just be yourself you idiot." Darcy responded. "That's all she'd want, just be yourself, pretend she can see you, she'd appreciate it. She's been through a lot in her life, she's come to a new country to live, she's lost her father and <i>you</i> should know how that feels. Give her a chance, she's good company, she's funny. Just be yourself. Can I bring her round tonight?"
Billie didn't speak.
"Billie!" Darcy said. "I've seen a new side to you that I don't like. Give Lily a chance, I'm bringing her round tonight whether you like it or not, you'd better be on your best behaviour."
She didn't even let him respond, she was gone and Billie was left alone.
He picked up Blue, went over to the beanbag and lay back down.
***
She was sitting on an old sofa in the corner of the basement, her glossy hair was shining under the lights and <i>still</i> he hadn't spoken to her. Tre had greeted her warmly and Mike had got her a drink and had sat her down. Darcy was standing nearby and as he sang he glanced in her direction and she was frowning at him. He knew that frown well and he hated himself. What was up with him? He was playing OK but not great and he'd fluffed a few lines and they'd just started this same song for the third time over because he'd got it wrong.
They still sounded good though, more than good and even though Darcy was pissed with him she still sang along.
Then he glanced at Lily. It was as though she was looking at him, looking directly at him and smiling but of course she wasn't she wasn't looking at him because she didn't see him, didn't know what he looked like, would never know the true colour of his eyes and would never see the tattooes that he loved on his body. But looking at her now as they wrapped up for the evening it was as though she could see right through him.
As he put down his guitar back onto the stand he knew this was it. He knew he'd have to go and speak to them, well, Lily, what he'd say he'd never know but to keep the peace with Darcy he'd have to do it.
"That was great even though you messed up." Said Darcy giving him a peck on the cheek. She was annoyed at him but she couldn't help like Billie, he was her best friend and they'd shared loads. Intense conversations, stupid, stupid conversations, they'd played naked in the pool in Billie's yard. Well, that was when they were three.
"Thanks for reminding me that I messed up." Billie said returning Darcy's kiss.
"I didn't notice you mess up." Said Lily then standing up. She was tiny but her eyes were bright and expectant. "I thought you were fantastic, you play the guitar well."
"You can talk Lily, you play the piano fantastically," Darcy said to her and linked her arm through hers, just to let her know that she was safe.
"You play piano?" Billie said. "I've always wanted to play the piano, I...I'd love to hear you play." He said. Her head moved upwards and their eyes met but of course they didn't really it just felt like it.
"No time like the present," said Darcy,
"No, wait, I'm a little tired," Lily said turning to her cousin. "Maybe...maybe another time, perhaps tomorrow?"
Billie was sure she'd blushed but he couldn't be sure as she turned away, she suddenly seemed shy and he felt ashamed of himself for avoiding this girl.
"OK, whatever, tomorrow should be fine, you can come to ours, our Moms will be out so...yeah tomorrow will be good, I can cook pizza." Darcy said.
"Is...is that OK with you Billie?" Lily said glancing unseeingly towards him again.
"It will be just fine, I'm looking forward to it but I'm not sure about Darcy cooking pizza as you must know by now, she burns everything."
"Fuck off, loser," said Darcy but they all laughed together and once again Billie thought that Lily was the prettiest girl he'd ever met.
***
For the second night in a row Billie couldn't sleep very well, for some reason he had a dream about being blind and playing in front of a crowd of people but he couldn't see them, just hear them and it freaked him out he woke up with a start and glanced over at the clock. It read 4am but knew he wouldn't be able to get any more sleep so he headed down to the kitchen, made himself a hot milky drink and sat down at the table with his pad and pen but this time he was stuck, he wanted to write a song but the only thing that was coming to him was a poem, he hadn't written poetry in years, not since school but this one came to him so easy it was as though it was already written out in front of him and he was copying the words down.
At the bottom of the page at the end of the poem he wrote one word, a name.
Lily.