Drowning Lessons
Childish Fears
FLASHBACK TO 1998
"Daddy, I'm scared!" Little four year old Brianna called out as she stood at the doorway of her parents room, clutching onto her favorite blanket and teddy bear.
She waited for a moment, but when he didn't answer she trotted up to his side of the bed and shook his sleeping figure. Her mother, a very pregnant Adrienne, a little distracted by her sleep, moaned and rolled over onto her side, too tired to notice her daughter.
"Daddy," She whispered, shaking him gently. "Daddy, wake up!"
"Hmmm?" Billie Joe answered, not even opening his eyes. He was too damn tired to have to deal with this right now. He just got back from touring to promote Green Day's newest album, Nimrod and he didn't want to be bothered while trying to sleep.
"I'm scared!"
Those words made him open his eyes in worry. He sighed and sat up from his bed and began rubbing the sleeping dust out of his burning eyes. Brianna walked up to him and tugged at his legs, looking up at him just waiting for him to respond.
He yawned. "What are you scared of, baby girl?" He picked her up and sat her on his lap.
Almost instantly, she clung onto his chest, gripping his shirt with her small hands.
"Monsters daddy! There's monsters in my room!" She cried.
He gave her a little smile. "Well, first of all, be a little more quiet so you don't wake up mommy or Joey, okay?" She nodded. "And second of all...who are these monsters you're talking about?"
Billie wanted to know everything about these "monsters". It was very common for a young child to show these kinds of fears. He knew he was the same way when he was her age.
"Well, they're big! This big!" She cried, stretching her arms out as far as she could.
Billie's eyes grew wide. "Really?"
She nodded. "Yes, and they're really scary daddy!"
Billie sighed once more. "Well, let's see if daddy can find them for you, alright? Come on."
He then picked her up and walked to her room with her in his arms. When he entered her room he sat her on her bed to begin the search.
"Now," He began. "Daddy's going to make sure there isn't any monsters in here, okay?"
"Okay!" Brianna answered.
"Hmmmm.....let's see..." Billie said as he walked around her room, his arm under his chin as if in deep thought. Brianna kept her eyes on him, watching him closely.
Billie opened her closet and peered inside. "No monsters in here." He replied shutting the door. He then looked under her bed. "No monsters here either."
He made sure he checked her whole room before sitting on the edge of her bed. Brianna crawled over next to him.
He looked at her and smiled. "Well, I'm not seeing any monsters Brianna. I think they ran away."
But she frowned and shook her head. "No Daddy! They're still here! They didn't leave!"
Billie Joe sighed. "Alright, here." He pulled back the covers of her blanket and gestered her to lay down. He then tucked her in. He then grabbed her teddy bear and her little blankie and she gladly took them. She stared up at her father in worry.
"This is your force field Brianna." He said, pointing to her blanket.
She immediately smiled. "Really?" She cried excidedly. "How? What is a force field?"
He laughed. "A force field is an invisable sheild that blocks out all of the bad guys or monsters from getting in. Only you can."
Brianna gasped. "How does it work?"
"Well...all you have to do is snuggle right inside your blanket and the monsters can't get you."
"Really?"
Billie laughed once more. "Really."
Brianna smiled. "Does mommy and baby have a force field?"
"Yes, your mommy and the baby has a force field." He answered.
"Does Joey have a force field?" She asked.
"Yes, Joey has one too."
"Do you have a force field, daddy?"
Her father grinned. "Yes, daddy has one too."
"What about Josie?" Brianna asked, referring to their cat.
Billie Joe laughed. "Yes, Josie also has a force field."
Brianna smiled. "Okay!"
Billie Joe smiled and gave Brianna a little kiss on top of her head. Brianna smiled back at him and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a hug. Her father gave her one more kiss, this time on the lips, tucked her in, and walked over to her door to turn the light off. He turned and was just about to close the door when.....
"Daddy?"
Billie sighed. "Yes, baby girl?"
"I love you."
END FLASHBACK
November 8, 2007
8:15 AM
I hear whispers all around me. I can't see them, but I can hear them. It sounded like three or four of them; the voices. Only one did I recognize because that voice was my father's voice. Billie Joe Armstrong's voice. I knew it was him but I couldn't make out what he was saying.
It sounded like the fluttering of a fly's wing. Fast, as if it was trying to fly away from something. A human with a fly swatter, maybe? All I knew was, it was annoying. My father's voice? No. Just the way it sounded through my ears right at this moment. All fuzzy, like when your televison's signal gets lost and all you see is a white and black screen and the image is twisting and turning with all the white and black resembling an abstract drawing.
It also resembled my mind. I was confused and I didn't know where I was. I was too scared to open my eyes, but knowing that my father was there I felt more at ease.
But then I saw it.
A bright light.
If my eyes were open I would've gone blind. The lights began to flash and I wanted to open my eyes but my curiousity told me to keep them closed. Then there was what looked like an image of a man who was dressed in pure white, a car and.....
Bam!
I let out a scream and my body jolted forward from where I was laying, but the pain in my chest was too much and so I crashed back down. I winced and held my stomach.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
My heart was racing fast and it showed with the ringing of the monitor that was managing my heart. My father ran up beside me with a woman behind him and a man in white stood on the other side of the bed. My father placed his hand on my arm in comfort and his hand rubbing on top of my arm caused a tingling sensation travel up my shoulder.
"It's okay baby girl, It's alright." That's all my father said. I looked up at him with a nervous look across my face and I could tell he was afriad.
I know my dad more than he knows himself. He was hurt. I knew he was because of the look in his eyes. I knew that look. It was the look he'd have every September, the month that his father died.
I couldn't bare to see that look in his eyes. It reminds me of a little kid who had just been rejected from his friends and had to sit alone on the swings. It reminds me of a puppy, dark beady eyes of sadness. What hurt me the most was that your father was supposed to be the strong one, the one that never cried, and the one that was brave when others couldn't be. This was not who my father was at this moment.
We stared at each other for a moment until he couldn't take it anymore and he broke down.
He cried; hard.
He put his wrist up to his mouth and turned away as if he were slapped across the face. I looked down, tears started to form in my eyes and they ran down my cheeks one at a time.
He stood there for a couple of minutes. The familiar looking woman who was standing behind him tried to comfort him, but he shook his head and stepped forward a couple of steps.
The woman then sighed and walked over towards me. She gave me the smallest of all smiles.
She looked so familiar. Those dread locks, those brown eyes of kindness......
She walked even closer to me, closer than what I would've liked, and placed a hand on my forehead. I turned away feeling akward. She did look familiar but I wasn't sure who she was. If you saw someone you didn't recongise and they tried to touch you, you'd pull away too.
She looked hurt as she pulled her hand away as if my forehead somehow burned her hand from the heat. It made me feel bad about what I had done.
She sat back down in a chair that was placed in front of the bed I was laying on and buried her face in her hands. Why was she crying? I stared at her but then turned away when I felt a hand grasp onto mine. I looked at the hand and traveled up until I came face to face with my father. His eyes were still watery from crying as he gave me a kiss on my forehead.
I was too busy being confused as hell that I hadn't noticed that my forehead, left arm, right hand, right leg and foot, my right foot, and my stomach was all bandaged up. Looking down at all of the bandages it reminded me of that car I had seen and that man which then reminded me of.....the accident.
I gasped and looked at my father who was trying to wipe his tears away.
"Daddy! Where's Lacey? Is she alright?"
My father looked back at me and his frown deepened. He didn't answer.
"Daddy! Please tell me! Is she okay?"
He sighed and took my hand once more. He scanned over my face for a moment and opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.
I gave him a confused look and shook my head as if searching for the answer. He sighed once more.
"Brianna...Lacey's dead."
"Daddy, I'm scared!" Little four year old Brianna called out as she stood at the doorway of her parents room, clutching onto her favorite blanket and teddy bear.
She waited for a moment, but when he didn't answer she trotted up to his side of the bed and shook his sleeping figure. Her mother, a very pregnant Adrienne, a little distracted by her sleep, moaned and rolled over onto her side, too tired to notice her daughter.
"Daddy," She whispered, shaking him gently. "Daddy, wake up!"
"Hmmm?" Billie Joe answered, not even opening his eyes. He was too damn tired to have to deal with this right now. He just got back from touring to promote Green Day's newest album, Nimrod and he didn't want to be bothered while trying to sleep.
"I'm scared!"
Those words made him open his eyes in worry. He sighed and sat up from his bed and began rubbing the sleeping dust out of his burning eyes. Brianna walked up to him and tugged at his legs, looking up at him just waiting for him to respond.
He yawned. "What are you scared of, baby girl?" He picked her up and sat her on his lap.
Almost instantly, she clung onto his chest, gripping his shirt with her small hands.
"Monsters daddy! There's monsters in my room!" She cried.
He gave her a little smile. "Well, first of all, be a little more quiet so you don't wake up mommy or Joey, okay?" She nodded. "And second of all...who are these monsters you're talking about?"
Billie wanted to know everything about these "monsters". It was very common for a young child to show these kinds of fears. He knew he was the same way when he was her age.
"Well, they're big! This big!" She cried, stretching her arms out as far as she could.
Billie's eyes grew wide. "Really?"
She nodded. "Yes, and they're really scary daddy!"
Billie sighed once more. "Well, let's see if daddy can find them for you, alright? Come on."
He then picked her up and walked to her room with her in his arms. When he entered her room he sat her on her bed to begin the search.
"Now," He began. "Daddy's going to make sure there isn't any monsters in here, okay?"
"Okay!" Brianna answered.
"Hmmmm.....let's see..." Billie said as he walked around her room, his arm under his chin as if in deep thought. Brianna kept her eyes on him, watching him closely.
Billie opened her closet and peered inside. "No monsters in here." He replied shutting the door. He then looked under her bed. "No monsters here either."
He made sure he checked her whole room before sitting on the edge of her bed. Brianna crawled over next to him.
He looked at her and smiled. "Well, I'm not seeing any monsters Brianna. I think they ran away."
But she frowned and shook her head. "No Daddy! They're still here! They didn't leave!"
Billie Joe sighed. "Alright, here." He pulled back the covers of her blanket and gestered her to lay down. He then tucked her in. He then grabbed her teddy bear and her little blankie and she gladly took them. She stared up at her father in worry.
"This is your force field Brianna." He said, pointing to her blanket.
She immediately smiled. "Really?" She cried excidedly. "How? What is a force field?"
He laughed. "A force field is an invisable sheild that blocks out all of the bad guys or monsters from getting in. Only you can."
Brianna gasped. "How does it work?"
"Well...all you have to do is snuggle right inside your blanket and the monsters can't get you."
"Really?"
Billie laughed once more. "Really."
Brianna smiled. "Does mommy and baby have a force field?"
"Yes, your mommy and the baby has a force field." He answered.
"Does Joey have a force field?" She asked.
"Yes, Joey has one too."
"Do you have a force field, daddy?"
Her father grinned. "Yes, daddy has one too."
"What about Josie?" Brianna asked, referring to their cat.
Billie Joe laughed. "Yes, Josie also has a force field."
Brianna smiled. "Okay!"
Billie Joe smiled and gave Brianna a little kiss on top of her head. Brianna smiled back at him and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a hug. Her father gave her one more kiss, this time on the lips, tucked her in, and walked over to her door to turn the light off. He turned and was just about to close the door when.....
"Daddy?"
Billie sighed. "Yes, baby girl?"
"I love you."
END FLASHBACK
November 8, 2007
8:15 AM
I hear whispers all around me. I can't see them, but I can hear them. It sounded like three or four of them; the voices. Only one did I recognize because that voice was my father's voice. Billie Joe Armstrong's voice. I knew it was him but I couldn't make out what he was saying.
It sounded like the fluttering of a fly's wing. Fast, as if it was trying to fly away from something. A human with a fly swatter, maybe? All I knew was, it was annoying. My father's voice? No. Just the way it sounded through my ears right at this moment. All fuzzy, like when your televison's signal gets lost and all you see is a white and black screen and the image is twisting and turning with all the white and black resembling an abstract drawing.
It also resembled my mind. I was confused and I didn't know where I was. I was too scared to open my eyes, but knowing that my father was there I felt more at ease.
But then I saw it.
A bright light.
If my eyes were open I would've gone blind. The lights began to flash and I wanted to open my eyes but my curiousity told me to keep them closed. Then there was what looked like an image of a man who was dressed in pure white, a car and.....
Bam!
I let out a scream and my body jolted forward from where I was laying, but the pain in my chest was too much and so I crashed back down. I winced and held my stomach.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
My heart was racing fast and it showed with the ringing of the monitor that was managing my heart. My father ran up beside me with a woman behind him and a man in white stood on the other side of the bed. My father placed his hand on my arm in comfort and his hand rubbing on top of my arm caused a tingling sensation travel up my shoulder.
"It's okay baby girl, It's alright." That's all my father said. I looked up at him with a nervous look across my face and I could tell he was afriad.
I know my dad more than he knows himself. He was hurt. I knew he was because of the look in his eyes. I knew that look. It was the look he'd have every September, the month that his father died.
I couldn't bare to see that look in his eyes. It reminds me of a little kid who had just been rejected from his friends and had to sit alone on the swings. It reminds me of a puppy, dark beady eyes of sadness. What hurt me the most was that your father was supposed to be the strong one, the one that never cried, and the one that was brave when others couldn't be. This was not who my father was at this moment.
We stared at each other for a moment until he couldn't take it anymore and he broke down.
He cried; hard.
He put his wrist up to his mouth and turned away as if he were slapped across the face. I looked down, tears started to form in my eyes and they ran down my cheeks one at a time.
He stood there for a couple of minutes. The familiar looking woman who was standing behind him tried to comfort him, but he shook his head and stepped forward a couple of steps.
The woman then sighed and walked over towards me. She gave me the smallest of all smiles.
She looked so familiar. Those dread locks, those brown eyes of kindness......
She walked even closer to me, closer than what I would've liked, and placed a hand on my forehead. I turned away feeling akward. She did look familiar but I wasn't sure who she was. If you saw someone you didn't recongise and they tried to touch you, you'd pull away too.
She looked hurt as she pulled her hand away as if my forehead somehow burned her hand from the heat. It made me feel bad about what I had done.
She sat back down in a chair that was placed in front of the bed I was laying on and buried her face in her hands. Why was she crying? I stared at her but then turned away when I felt a hand grasp onto mine. I looked at the hand and traveled up until I came face to face with my father. His eyes were still watery from crying as he gave me a kiss on my forehead.
I was too busy being confused as hell that I hadn't noticed that my forehead, left arm, right hand, right leg and foot, my right foot, and my stomach was all bandaged up. Looking down at all of the bandages it reminded me of that car I had seen and that man which then reminded me of.....the accident.
I gasped and looked at my father who was trying to wipe his tears away.
"Daddy! Where's Lacey? Is she alright?"
My father looked back at me and his frown deepened. He didn't answer.
"Daddy! Please tell me! Is she okay?"
He sighed and took my hand once more. He scanned over my face for a moment and opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.
I gave him a confused look and shook my head as if searching for the answer. He sighed once more.
"Brianna...Lacey's dead."