Drowning Lessons
Field of Innocence
FLASHBACK TO 2001
“What's next mommy?” Seven year old Brianna asked looking up at her mother, holding on to two large needles in her small hands.
Adrienne was trying to teach her how to knit. This started about an hour ago and they were still on the very first row. Let’s just say that Brianna wasn’t the quickest learner. Adrienne tried her best to remain patient.
“Now you take the right needle and put it underneath this loop of yarn and then—“
Brianna was confused. “Mommy…which way is right?”
Adrienne chuckled. “You know what? Maybe we can just work more on this later okay?”
Brianna smiled and nodded. "Sounds good!"
Brianna then set the multi-colored ball of yarn and needles on the table behind her and walked out of the living room and into the kitchen with her mother.
“What do you want for lunch kiddo?” Adrienne asked as she walked up to the fridge.
Brianna climbed up and onto the stool that was setting in front of their island counter. She thought for a moment.
“Umm….peanut butter and jelly and….applesauce!” She shouted as she kicked her suspended legs around randomly.
“What do you want to drink?” Adrienne asked as she got out the applesauce, peanut butter, and jelly out and onto the counter in front of where her daughter was sitting.
“Chocolate milk!” Brianna cried. She was obviously hyper.
Her mother laughed. “Alrighty then!”
After Adrienne got Brianna and herself some lunch, Adrienne sat next to Brianna who was breathing in into her straw causing her milk to bubble all up.
Adrienne laughed as did Brianna.
“Mommy,” Brianna began as she picked up a piece of her PB and J sandwich. “Where is Jakob?”
“He’s upstairs napping sweetheart. I’ll make him his lunch when he gets up.” She answered as she took a sip of her drink.
“When is Joey coming home?” She then asked, her bright green eyes focusing on her mother’s beautiful face.
“At around three; Grandma Ollie is going to drop him off.” She said as she ate.
“…When is daddy coming home?” She then asked.
Adrienne sighed and looked down at Brianna’s saddened eyes.
“He’s coming back in August so that’s three months from now.” She said in almost a whisper.
Brianna frowned. “I miss him a lot mommy.”
Adrienne gave her a weak smile. “Do you want to call him?”
Brianna smiled and nodded. “I can dial the number.”
Adrienne grabbed the phone and passed it to her daughter. Brianna grabbed it and proceeded to dial her father’s cell phone number with her tiny fingers.
END FLASHBACK
November 10, 2007
2:10 PM
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all…
I miss being a child. Really I do. Life would be so simple and you’re oblivious to the word called ‘death’. My heart aches every time I think about Lacey. I want to erase her out of my thoughts but every time I try to think about something else…it always comes down to her. Being in this hospital is a constant reminder of the accident and I hate it.
I want to see Lacey. I just…want to see her lying there on top of that table, to see her there sleeping forever. Maybe then I’ll come right back to reality and actually believe that she’s gone forever.
And forever….well forever is a long time to wait. It seems as if it’s an endless period of time. You can sit in one place for hours and it seems as if that someone or something is never going to come back and it kills me inside to know that Lacey is never ever coming back.
Sometimes it feels like I’m always repeating my own thoughts. My mind is like a broken record. All it knows how to do is think about the accident. I’ve noticed that one of the two words it likes to say is, “Lacey’s dead.”
‘Lacey’s dead. Lacey’s dead. Lacey’s dead.’
It never seems to end.
I’m really starting to truly hate myself. I should’ve told her to put her seatbelt on. I should have insisted! I should’ve begged! I should’ve pleaded! But no; Instead, I kept quiet. I thought, “She’s right…the mall isn’t that far away…” I never thought that something like this was going to happen.
I never would’ve thought that buying a couple seconds until we pulled up of my driveway would change everything. That car would not have been there if we would’ve got out on that road seconds after them. Maybe if she had her seat belt on she would’ve survived.
I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel so sick of who I am. I can’t sleep at night and I never feel like talking and even if I did talk I had to struggle with my words and my breathing was always hard. I can barely move and my whole body is sore. I can’t really think straight most of the time and I keep forgetting who everyone around me is.
Now the only thing I can do at this moment is to stare at ceiling.
It was about two in the afternoon and when looking out the window it almost blinds my eyes because of the blazing sun. I sighed and began to sing quietly to myself.
I still remember the sun
always warm on my back
Somehow; it seems colder now
where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Just as I felt a tear fall down my face, I heard someone enter the room.
“Hey baby girl.”
It was my father.
He walked over to the side of my bed and gave me a small smile. “How are you feeling?”
“A little better I think.” I told him with a little smile back.
“Well, that’s good!” He said still smiling. He gave me a little kiss on the forehead. “I brought someone that wants to see you.”
I looked over to the door as a thin, tall girl came walking in. She was about only and inch or two shorter than my father, she had blue stunning eyes, and light brown hair. I recognized her immediately and I actually knew by heart who she was, thank god!
“Stella!” I cried. She smiled with tears running down her face and wrapped her arms around me gently. Almost instantly we both started to cry into each other’s arms. I don’t know how long the crying lasted but all I know was it actually felt good to cry for once. I wasn’t crying about something bad that has happened. I was actually happy for at least a couple minutes.
After a couple minutes of crying she let me go and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m so glad you’re okay Brianna. I thought you were dead!” She cried as she sat next to my father.
I gave her a smile. “Well…I’m okay I guess. I’m just glad that…..you’re….here…”
As I stared at both my father and Stella, something dawned on me. The way they were dressed, it was formal. It wasn’t everyday that they dressed like this.
My father was wearing a dress up black, button-up shirt underneath a grey un-buttoned jacket. He wore a dark grey tie that had black polka dots on it and dressy black pants.
And Stella was wearing a black knee length dress that had a bow on the side and red flats. Her light brown hair was curled up on top of her head.
They just stared right back at me.
“What is it Brianna?” Stella asked me in a concerned voice.
I continued to stare at them suspiciously; blankly. There was no expression in my face as a spoke. “Why are you guys dressed like that?” I asked.
She looked down at what she was wearing and then looked back at me. “I just…felt like wearing it.”
She was lying. I knew she was. She never wears dresses, especially black ones. She’s always hated dresses. And besides that, it’s November. It’s too cold out to be wearing dresses in the first place.
“But…you never wear dresses.” I reminded her as I continued to stare.
“Well….I..” Stella started.
She thought I wouldn’t remember that because of my concussion. She could’ve told me that two days ago when I first arrived at the hospital and maybe then I would’ve believed her. But my concussion has been going away and with Dr. Sanders help every day my memory has gotten better.
My father put a hand on Stella’s shoulder and shook his head. He didn’t want her to keep lying to me. There was no use because I remember. I would only question her more if she would’ve told another lie.
I looked up at my father.
“What’s doing on daddy?” I asked. “Tell me the truth, please.”
My father looked at me for a moment and sighed. “We were at Lacey’s funeral today Brianna.”
I stared at him and I tried not to cry, but it didn’t work. Tears started forming in my eyes. “So that’s it? I can’t…see her anymore?” I asked weakly.
He just looked at me with saddened eyes and slowly shook his head.
I didn’t really cry. A few tears came rolling down my face but that was it. I’ve cried so much in the last couple of days that I don’t think I can really cry all that much anymore. It wears me out when I do.
So I just stared at the wall in front of me blankly. My thoughts completely erased. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to go to the funeral just to see Lacey one last time. I didn’t even get to say goodbye or anything. I don’t even think I want to because goodbye is such a “final” type of word. I just wanted so badly to go with them. I wanted to go outside. I hated being cooped up in this hospital doing nothing but thinking and sleeping; crying.
“I think….I think I’m going to take a nap now.” I said turning back to Stella and my father. “Is it okay if I do?”
They both nodded.
“You sure can baby girl. When you wake up we’ll be here.” My father said, a weak smile across his face.
So, suddenly feeling weak and tired, I slowly closed my eyes and hoped I’d fall asleep soon so I won’t have to think about the accident…or Lacey.
Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh where, where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything
“What's next mommy?” Seven year old Brianna asked looking up at her mother, holding on to two large needles in her small hands.
Adrienne was trying to teach her how to knit. This started about an hour ago and they were still on the very first row. Let’s just say that Brianna wasn’t the quickest learner. Adrienne tried her best to remain patient.
“Now you take the right needle and put it underneath this loop of yarn and then—“
Brianna was confused. “Mommy…which way is right?”
Adrienne chuckled. “You know what? Maybe we can just work more on this later okay?”
Brianna smiled and nodded. "Sounds good!"
Brianna then set the multi-colored ball of yarn and needles on the table behind her and walked out of the living room and into the kitchen with her mother.
“What do you want for lunch kiddo?” Adrienne asked as she walked up to the fridge.
Brianna climbed up and onto the stool that was setting in front of their island counter. She thought for a moment.
“Umm….peanut butter and jelly and….applesauce!” She shouted as she kicked her suspended legs around randomly.
“What do you want to drink?” Adrienne asked as she got out the applesauce, peanut butter, and jelly out and onto the counter in front of where her daughter was sitting.
“Chocolate milk!” Brianna cried. She was obviously hyper.
Her mother laughed. “Alrighty then!”
After Adrienne got Brianna and herself some lunch, Adrienne sat next to Brianna who was breathing in into her straw causing her milk to bubble all up.
Adrienne laughed as did Brianna.
“Mommy,” Brianna began as she picked up a piece of her PB and J sandwich. “Where is Jakob?”
“He’s upstairs napping sweetheart. I’ll make him his lunch when he gets up.” She answered as she took a sip of her drink.
“When is Joey coming home?” She then asked, her bright green eyes focusing on her mother’s beautiful face.
“At around three; Grandma Ollie is going to drop him off.” She said as she ate.
“…When is daddy coming home?” She then asked.
Adrienne sighed and looked down at Brianna’s saddened eyes.
“He’s coming back in August so that’s three months from now.” She said in almost a whisper.
Brianna frowned. “I miss him a lot mommy.”
Adrienne gave her a weak smile. “Do you want to call him?”
Brianna smiled and nodded. “I can dial the number.”
Adrienne grabbed the phone and passed it to her daughter. Brianna grabbed it and proceeded to dial her father’s cell phone number with her tiny fingers.
END FLASHBACK
November 10, 2007
2:10 PM
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all…
I miss being a child. Really I do. Life would be so simple and you’re oblivious to the word called ‘death’. My heart aches every time I think about Lacey. I want to erase her out of my thoughts but every time I try to think about something else…it always comes down to her. Being in this hospital is a constant reminder of the accident and I hate it.
I want to see Lacey. I just…want to see her lying there on top of that table, to see her there sleeping forever. Maybe then I’ll come right back to reality and actually believe that she’s gone forever.
And forever….well forever is a long time to wait. It seems as if it’s an endless period of time. You can sit in one place for hours and it seems as if that someone or something is never going to come back and it kills me inside to know that Lacey is never ever coming back.
Sometimes it feels like I’m always repeating my own thoughts. My mind is like a broken record. All it knows how to do is think about the accident. I’ve noticed that one of the two words it likes to say is, “Lacey’s dead.”
‘Lacey’s dead. Lacey’s dead. Lacey’s dead.’
It never seems to end.
I’m really starting to truly hate myself. I should’ve told her to put her seatbelt on. I should have insisted! I should’ve begged! I should’ve pleaded! But no; Instead, I kept quiet. I thought, “She’s right…the mall isn’t that far away…” I never thought that something like this was going to happen.
I never would’ve thought that buying a couple seconds until we pulled up of my driveway would change everything. That car would not have been there if we would’ve got out on that road seconds after them. Maybe if she had her seat belt on she would’ve survived.
I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel so sick of who I am. I can’t sleep at night and I never feel like talking and even if I did talk I had to struggle with my words and my breathing was always hard. I can barely move and my whole body is sore. I can’t really think straight most of the time and I keep forgetting who everyone around me is.
Now the only thing I can do at this moment is to stare at ceiling.
It was about two in the afternoon and when looking out the window it almost blinds my eyes because of the blazing sun. I sighed and began to sing quietly to myself.
I still remember the sun
always warm on my back
Somehow; it seems colder now
where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Just as I felt a tear fall down my face, I heard someone enter the room.
“Hey baby girl.”
It was my father.
He walked over to the side of my bed and gave me a small smile. “How are you feeling?”
“A little better I think.” I told him with a little smile back.
“Well, that’s good!” He said still smiling. He gave me a little kiss on the forehead. “I brought someone that wants to see you.”
I looked over to the door as a thin, tall girl came walking in. She was about only and inch or two shorter than my father, she had blue stunning eyes, and light brown hair. I recognized her immediately and I actually knew by heart who she was, thank god!
“Stella!” I cried. She smiled with tears running down her face and wrapped her arms around me gently. Almost instantly we both started to cry into each other’s arms. I don’t know how long the crying lasted but all I know was it actually felt good to cry for once. I wasn’t crying about something bad that has happened. I was actually happy for at least a couple minutes.
After a couple minutes of crying she let me go and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m so glad you’re okay Brianna. I thought you were dead!” She cried as she sat next to my father.
I gave her a smile. “Well…I’m okay I guess. I’m just glad that…..you’re….here…”
As I stared at both my father and Stella, something dawned on me. The way they were dressed, it was formal. It wasn’t everyday that they dressed like this.
My father was wearing a dress up black, button-up shirt underneath a grey un-buttoned jacket. He wore a dark grey tie that had black polka dots on it and dressy black pants.
And Stella was wearing a black knee length dress that had a bow on the side and red flats. Her light brown hair was curled up on top of her head.
They just stared right back at me.
“What is it Brianna?” Stella asked me in a concerned voice.
I continued to stare at them suspiciously; blankly. There was no expression in my face as a spoke. “Why are you guys dressed like that?” I asked.
She looked down at what she was wearing and then looked back at me. “I just…felt like wearing it.”
She was lying. I knew she was. She never wears dresses, especially black ones. She’s always hated dresses. And besides that, it’s November. It’s too cold out to be wearing dresses in the first place.
“But…you never wear dresses.” I reminded her as I continued to stare.
“Well….I..” Stella started.
She thought I wouldn’t remember that because of my concussion. She could’ve told me that two days ago when I first arrived at the hospital and maybe then I would’ve believed her. But my concussion has been going away and with Dr. Sanders help every day my memory has gotten better.
My father put a hand on Stella’s shoulder and shook his head. He didn’t want her to keep lying to me. There was no use because I remember. I would only question her more if she would’ve told another lie.
I looked up at my father.
“What’s doing on daddy?” I asked. “Tell me the truth, please.”
My father looked at me for a moment and sighed. “We were at Lacey’s funeral today Brianna.”
I stared at him and I tried not to cry, but it didn’t work. Tears started forming in my eyes. “So that’s it? I can’t…see her anymore?” I asked weakly.
He just looked at me with saddened eyes and slowly shook his head.
I didn’t really cry. A few tears came rolling down my face but that was it. I’ve cried so much in the last couple of days that I don’t think I can really cry all that much anymore. It wears me out when I do.
So I just stared at the wall in front of me blankly. My thoughts completely erased. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to go to the funeral just to see Lacey one last time. I didn’t even get to say goodbye or anything. I don’t even think I want to because goodbye is such a “final” type of word. I just wanted so badly to go with them. I wanted to go outside. I hated being cooped up in this hospital doing nothing but thinking and sleeping; crying.
“I think….I think I’m going to take a nap now.” I said turning back to Stella and my father. “Is it okay if I do?”
They both nodded.
“You sure can baby girl. When you wake up we’ll be here.” My father said, a weak smile across his face.
So, suddenly feeling weak and tired, I slowly closed my eyes and hoped I’d fall asleep soon so I won’t have to think about the accident…or Lacey.
Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh where, where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything