Super Avenged

“And there’s something wrong with that?” Jimmy answered slowly after a few moments. I closed the sketchbook with a snap and threw it haphazardly down on the coffee table. Then, I looked back into Jimmy’s blue eyes.

“Yes, there’s everything wrong with that,” I said. “I have these humongous trust issues with men. Once the relationship starts to inch past friendship, I instantly stop trusting the man. It doesn’t matter if he’s my best friend on the entire planet, or if he’s just an acquaintance, I just instantly cut myself off from him. He’s no longer trustworthy in my eyes.”

“And when you figured out that you were falling for me, you panicked and kicked me out,” Jimmy added. I nodded. He had hit the nail right on the head.

“Do you even like me back?” I whispered, scratching at the fingernail on my middle finger. I flipped my hands over and stared at my palms. I suddenly realized how cold my hands were. Then came the realization that my entire body was cold. But that was probably from lack of food. It was strange how I noticed all these things as my brain woke up and became aware.

Jimmy’s hands curled gently around both of mine. His hands felt warm, and I wondered if the rest of his body felt just as warm. If so, I had to suddenly fight the urge to snuggle against him. Perhaps, he could even warm up my heart...

No, bad Miya. You can’t be in love with this man. You mustn’t be in love with this man. For your own sake, this man cannot be the one to warm up your heart.

“Silly little Miya,” Jimmy answered. “Of course I like you! More than a friend, I mean. Don’t you remember? Our relationship began from you rejecting to go to the movies with me. But then you told me the Brendan story, and I instantly began to think that you would never love me. You would possibly never love another man again.

“After I saw that hurt in your eyes, I began to wonder why any man would ever hurt you so much that it would scar your heart for the rest of your life. I wondered how a man could stand to see the pain in your eyes. I tried to see myself breaking your heart, but I couldn’t see it happening. It hurt too much, because I could see the hurt in your eyes. And I began to think about how I could possibly get closer to you. You were beautiful and interesting, and I just wanted to be around you.

“Superhero life is stressful, too. And then, I started thinking about how adamant you seemed about never loving another man, and I knew it was to protect your heart, but it just...I don’t know, it just made me feel hopeless. In some deep part of my mind, I wondered if you just didn’t like me, but really I knew you weren’t too happy with men in general. So that, coupled with the stress of being a superhero and knowing that I couldn’t go to any of the guys to just vent, led me to the bar, where we met up. And then you revealed your heart to me, and...well, this is where it leads us,” Jimmy finished very anticlimactically.

“Good thing you aren’t a speechwriter,” I commented after a short pause. “That speech was just all over the place.”

“But it was pretty good for a last-minute thing, though, right?” Jimmy asked hopefully.

“Um...”

“Oh, shush, Miya,” Jimmy snapped. I smiled, but I hadn’t shown any emotion in so long that it actually hurt my cheeks to smile, like the smile was tugging them into an uncomfortable tautness. I quickly went back to blankness.

“See? In...um...” Jimmy looked down at his watch, quickly counting the minutes, “...in seven minutes, I got you to smile! Shouldn’t that count for something?”

“In Nonchalant Land, sure,” I answered.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“That it really doesn’t count for much of anything. Spongebob could’ve got me to smile then.”

Jimmy gasped, looking hurt. He pouted at me, looking as innocent as he could muster, which wasn’t very innocent at all.

“You would pick Spongebob over me?” he pouted, sticking out his bottom lip.

“Yeah, definitely, any day,” I answered. Jimmy gasped louder. He dropped my hand out of his, and they instantly felt cold once more.

“Well, be that way then,” Jimmy sniffed angrily. He turned and walked purposefully towards the door.

“No, don’t go!” I practically yelled before I could stop myself. I launched off of the couch at the same time that I yelled. As Jimmy turned back to me with a grin on his face, I slapped my hands over my mouth. I was digging myself into a deeper hole about this love thing.

“Exactly!” Jimmy exclaimed triumphantly, pointing gleefully at me. “If you wanted Spongebob over me, you would’ve let me go! But you love me, Miya, so you can’t let me go.”

I slid my hands away from my mouth. Slowly, I sank back onto the couch with a sigh. Jimmy instantly went somber and walked back over to sit next to me. He grabbed one of my hands in both of his, gently rubbing the back of my hand with his thumbs.

“But love is terrifying,” I said quietly. “Just the mere thought of being in love with you scares me. Horror movies have nothing on love.”

“And who says that love is supposed to be as tame and calm as a kitten?” Jimmy answered. “Love can be savage and cruel, and you’re the perfect example for that side of love. And I can’t entirely promise that I won’t hurt you, but I’ll try my damned hardest to make this as painless as possible.”

“No,” I said instantly. I shook my head, trying to pull my hand out of Jimmy’s. “I can’t go through that heartbreak again. It’s so much easier if I—”

“Cut me out of your life?” Jimmy finished, not relinquishing his hold on my hand. “Miya, look where cutting me out of your life got you. You haven’t eaten in days, you’re an emotional and physical wreck, you haven’t been aware of time or date or anything like that.”

“Brendan—”

“Brendan is a douche bag, yes, but the way you’ve been acting for the past week wasn’t all from him. You know that if I was still living with you, I wouldn’t let you wallow in your misery. If I had been here, you might not be this way.”

“Please...I-I don’t need a lecture,” I said, wiping away a few tears.

“I’m not lecturing you, Miya,” Jimmy replied calmly. “I’m just giving you the facts. Are they not facts?”

“Of course they are,” I snapped, a little rougher than I had intended. “Of course they are the facts, but that doesn’t mean you need to remind me. Yes, I’ve been a complete and total wreck for the past week. What else do you expect from me, huh? Brendan has shattered my heart...how many times now? Oh, yeah, two times, too soon for me to fully recover. I’m not repairable; I can’t be fixed. Trying to convince me otherwise is completely futile, and you should stop wasting your time.”

“Any time spent with you could never be wasted,” Jimmy said quietly. I blinked at him, and more tears slipped past. Hopefully, my tear ducts would dry up soon.

“Why do you bother? I’m obviously not interested.”

“Miya, that’s the thing: you are interested. You do love me, Miya, and there’s no hiding that. And I love you back. I bother because I know you aren’t a lost cause. You’re very bitter, but you have plenty of room to love still. We both know there’s enough room in your heart to love a man,” Jimmy answered instantly.

“No—”

“Miya!” Jimmy barked sternly. I flinched away at his harsh tone. “Why do you keep saying that? ‘No’ this and ‘no’ that!” He dropped my hand out of his and rose to his feet. He pivoted his body towards the door, but then stopped and turned back to glare down at me. “You can’t keep denying what we have, Miya! You love me, and I love you! It’s as simple and as complicated as that! But it’s only going to be tougher if you keep denying it! Surely you can feel the hurt it’s causing you to refuse what your heart wants!”

“I don’t think with my heart anymore!” I snapped, launching to my feet. We stood across from each other, a foot apart. I glared up at him, my fists clenched into painful balls. “I think with my brain, because it’s reliable! It knows facts, but my heart only makes assumptions! Thinking with my heart got me in this mess in the first place! I’m not making that mistake again!”

“What if it’s not a mistake this time?” Jimmy snarled. “What if, this time, it’s the right thing to do?”

“It’ll never be the right thing to do.”

“You’re so fucking close-minded! I’m just...I’m just...I’ve given up on you! There! Is that what you want?” Jimmy exclaimed. “I’ve given up on you! You’re a lost cause to me now! You refuse to think any other way than your own!”

“You don’t know what it’s like, do you?” I whispered, my voice giving out now that I was using it too much after using it so little. “You don’t know what it feels like to have your heart ripped to shreds, thrown in the dirt, and stomped on. And me, thinking no other way than my own! When you won’t even consider the fact that maybe I know heartbreak a little better than you do!”

“Miya, I’m over this,” Jimmy said. He checked his pockets for his wallet before looking back up at me. “You won’t see my side of things and won’t acknowledge that I’m seeing things your way, too. Therefore, this argument will just drag on and on. I’m ending it and walking out that door, because that’s obviously all you want.”

And before I could respond, he turned on his heel, walking swiftly over to the door, and stepped out into the hallway. The front door slammed behind him, and a little bit more of my heart shattered.