Cut

The next day Maura wakes me up.

Maura: Time for Group.

Group. Of course. Just anther place her at Royal Jokes where nobody cares. Where everybody thinks that I have a problem. Well guess what? I don't!

Me:

Maura: Hurry up. Get dressed.

Me: Maura, have you ever not gone to Group?

She doesn't give this much thought.

Maura: Nope.

Me: Do you ever think this place is a joke? That these people aren't here to help us? That they're just here for-

Maura: For what? For the money? Yes. I think that all the time. But the more you cooperate the sooner you get to go home.

I think about this and soon realize that it's absolutely true.

Maura waits.

Maura: Well. You coming?

Me: Yeah. Just let me get dressed.

I throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and of course my sweatshirt. Today it is hot though.

Maura notices.

Maura: Do you ever no wear that thing? You wear everyday. Even to bed. I heard today it's supposed to be kind of warm.

Me: Uh, well, a friend gave this to me. It's, um, very important to her that I wear it.

Wow, that was the worst lie I've ever told.

Maura: She said that you can't even take it off to wash it?

Me:

There is a short pause and Maura decides to let it go. If I wanted to wear a smelly, old, ratty piece of cloth everyday then who was she to stop me?

When we arrive at Group everyone is in there usually spots with the same look on their faces as always. I wonder if it will always be this way.

Once we all are seated Jessie opens her mouth to start Group but is interrupted when Teddy comes through the door.

Teddy. My Teddy.

He looks around the room and then smiles when he gets to me. I smile back wondering how he can do that.

Then he turns his attention to Jessie.

Teddy: I'm here for Group. They moved me out of my usual one because everybody graduated. So I guess you're stuck with me.

Lucky us.

Jessie tells Teddy to pull a chair up next to Emma. Emma. Me. Me and Teddy. Teddy and me. Sitting side by side.

Teddy: Hey, Emma.

My heart smiles.

Me: Hey, Teddy.

Jessie: Okay, who would like to start today? We're still talking about our families.

Jessie waits until finally, Teddy raises his perfect hand.

Teddy: I'll go.

Jessie: Great!

Teddy: Well, uh, I don't have any siblings.

Jessie: Really? So you're an only child?

Duh.

Teddy: Yeah. My Mom, step dad and me all live in a house a few miles away from here.

Jessie: What about you're dad? Where does he live?

Teddy is not afraid to look Jessie straight in the eyes.

Teddy: I never knew my dad. He left when he found out my mom was pregnant with me.

I feel a sudden surge of sympathy for him.

Teddy: Mom doesn't like to talk about him but I've found out a few things. He doesn't live to far from here, he the head of the county newspaper, and he's not married.

Hannah speaks.

Hannah: And how exactly do you know all this stuff? Are you like his stalker or something?

Teddy: No. I'm just good at snooping.

Jessie: Well, thank you for telling us something about your family, Teddy. Who wants to go next?

Silence.

Jessie: Emma? What about you?

Me: What? Oh. No. I don't want to go.

Jessie: Come on. All you have to do is tell us a little something.

Me: No.

Jessie is still patient.

Jessie: Please? Why don't you tell us why you're here?

NO!

Me: No.

She is losing her patience fast.

Jessie: Emma, you won't become a level two without helping us help you.

Me: No.

I am stubborn.

Jessie: Emma. Tell us.

Me: No. Call on somebody else.

Jessie gets up and walks over to the desk at the end of the room. She picks up some papers and reads them. Then she looks back at me.

Jessie: You know why everybody else is here, now you need to tell us.

Me:

Jessie: Emma!

Me:

Shut up, you psycotic freak!

Jessie: Emma, you're going to have to tell them sooner or later.

And right then I know what Jessie is holding in her hands. My files. The ones that tell all about me. My life story. The proof.

Me: NO!

Jessie: Do you want to tell them or should I?

Me: Shut up!

I pull on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. It is awfully hot in here.

Teddy is staring at me. This will probably be the one and only time I actually want him to look away.

Jessie: Emma! Don't use that tone with me. I'm not trying to humiliate you. I'm trying to help you. The sooner everyone knows the truth the more comfortable you'll be here.

I can feel tears forming in my eyes.

Everyone is silent except for Jessie.

Jessie: Alright. I'll tell them. Everybody, Emma is here because-

Me: Please.

I sound like a baby and maybe I am. But I don't care. I don't want them to know! I don't know why, I just don't. I do not have a problem!

Jessie: She-

Me: Cuts. I cut.

I can't believe the words come out of my own mouth.

Everybody gasps.

I run out of the room and into the one I share with Maura. I sit on the bed and think.

If I don't have a problem, then why didn't I want them to know? Why is it such a big deal?

I take out the picture Ben has drawn me and run the edge fast against my wrist making tiny little cuts everywhere.

Then I realize. Maybe there is something wrong with me.