Cut

The next morning I do not go to Group. I tell Rita that I am not feeling well. And the truth is I'm not. My heart is aching and my eyes are stinging with tears. All I want to do is sleep but if I do I am afraid that I will miss something, anything, about how Jenna is doing.

I look at the clock after a long day in bed. It is time to see Julie.

I get up and walk down the hall to her room without an escort. Then, I knock on the door.

When she opens the door, Julie looks very surprised to see me.

Julie: I thought-

Me: No.

I know exactly what she is thinking. She knew that I was not sick today. She just thought that after our last encounter I would not return. Well she was wrong like most adults in my life are.

Julie: Come in.

I walk in and sit down in the same chair as last time. Julie does the same only this time she does not have a clipboard.

She is smart not to have one.

Julie: Where shall we begin?

Shall? Who says shall?

Me: Jenna had a heart attack.

Julie does not look surprised.

Julie: I know. That's too bad. But I hear that she is doing better and will be joining us here at Royal Oaks again very soon.

I thank God. I thank him over and over and over again.

Me: It's my fault.

Julie: What?

Me: It's my fault. I knew she was throwing up her food but I didn't tell.

Julie: Emma, none of this is your fault. Nothing is your fault-

Me: Yes it is.

I pause for a second and then go on.

Me: I hurt Mom and Dad. Their life is already complicated enough with Ben. I was the good one. The one who nobody noticed. I always took care of myself. Until....

Tears form in my eyes.

Me: Until I couldn't anymore. It was kind of like a deal that Mom and I had. I would be the strong one. The one who never broke down. I guess I broke my promise. I'm not very good at keeping them.

Julie: Why do you cut yourself, Emma?

I think about this for a moment then come up with an answer. It's not a very good answer but an answer none the less.

Me: It seemed like the only way out.

She nods.

Julie: Tell me, Emma, why is it that you had to be strong for your family?

Me: Because it was falling apart.

Tears fall down my cheeks and although Julie has none I can still see the pain her eyes and hear it in her voice.

Julie: But you never broke down? You never hurt so much to a point where you wanted somebody to help you so bad that you would do anything to show them the pain you were in?

Me: I did. I just did it in private. I couldn't tell Mom. She was to busy with Ben all the time. And I couldn't tell Dad....

Julie: Who could you turn to then?

Me: Rose. But she....She was going through a hard time, too. It's not that she didn't care it's just-

She stops me.

Julie: I understand. Emma, you know that my door is always open. You can come to me any time you need to talk. About anything.

I nod and wipe my tears.

Julie: Well, I think that's all the time we have for today. But here is my cell number. Call if you need me. And Emma?

Me: Yeah?

Julie: Don't think of me as your therapist. Think of me as your friend.

I get up and walk towards the door and pause and look back to her.

Me: Julie?

Julie: Yeah?

Me: Thanks.

She smiles.

Julie: Any time.

I do something drastic. Something I never thought I would do in a long time because of what happened last night; I smile back.