Nothing's Changed

I kissed him, my lips smiling as they pressed gently against his. His lips were smooth and moist and bloody. The metallic tang of blood seeped through my sealed lips, teasing my taste buds. I tried to take my mind of food, but he was alerted of my hunger by my protesting stomach. The look in his melting eyes said, “You're hungry, why didn't you tell me?”

I hadn't expected my body to react this way to blood. I smelled it as metallic and tasted it that way, yet I wanted to have it running through my own blood. Worse even, I needed it. I averted my gaze, shame burning me, as I felt my fangs unsheathe. I focused my gaze on a lone flower. It was a pale blue, with a bright green stem. The petals were slightly wilted on the edge, and gray.

He bristled and I was promptly aware that my two sharp canines were pressing into his tender throat. I peeled my body away from his. His sweat would have clung to me, but my ice exterior made it so that the hot moisture couldn't hang on.

“I never wanted this.” My first words since I'd seen him after my change sounded so ironically dead. I could feel in the hand that still rested on his that he was feeling sorry. At that moment I could have said, “It's not your fault,” but we both would have known it was a big fat lie. I didn't say anything. I decided to wait for him to react in some way, any way. Anger or sadness – any emotion would do.

“It is my fault, Lyss.” He called me Lyss. My eyebrows slanted symmetrically; did that mean he still cared? Still loved me? I was still his Lyss? Yet... How could he care about a monster? He noticed the slight change and sighed. Taking my hand – and shivering at the coldness – his melted-puddle-of-chocolate eyes plunged into my ocean ones. I looked down, unable to handle the amount of care emanating from him.

“Alyssa?”

At the sound of his smooth and deep voice, my eyes shot up along with my head as if to say: “Yes?”

“I won't say any cheesy kind of crap like, 'Nothing's changed.' Because let's be honest, everything has changed.” He placed my hand to his cheek and closed his eyes as my coldness sucked away the sweet warmth from his face. “But one thing hasn't: our relationship.”

“I thought you were going to be honest.” My sour words made me want to suck in my cheeks, contort my face at the bitterness. Regret mixed with the lemon-like juice in my mouth and the blood. The three flavors created an awful taste. “How can you stand to be with me? With some kind of monster? I could kill you and I would barely notice it. Do you have any idea how much this monster in me craves for your blood? How can you say that this doesn't change our relationship?” My face was contorted with neither regret nor anger, but with pain.

His lie pained me, because he was attempting to give me false hope. He should have know that I hated that, I wanted the raw truth. Raw like skin you've been rubbing too long, red and raw. Images of blood flashed in my mind. I shook my head, no, no, no, no, no. No! I didn't want blood, the thought of it revolted me, but my stomach rejoiced at it. Before I knew it, I was punching the brick wall behind him. Each time a red brick hit the ground, I could hear his feet tap the floor nervously. He didn't dare to calm me down.

Not much later, I was slumped against the remnants of the wall. I brought a hand to my face, but was surprised to find no tears to wipe. My hands stayed motionless on my face, I wasn't even human anymore. A human can cry, a person. I was nothing. Things got darker; frowning I looked up and saw a shadow blocking all light. His tall figure was slanted to me, hand waiting for mine to accept it. I took it, in a trance.

He pulled me up, holding me closely to him, afraid of so many things that I could feel it rolling off him in waves. It was so strong it almost knocked me over. He stroked my hair, whispered words of comfort to me. Even though I despised his condescending manner of treating me, I let him. It felt nice to not worry, even if it was only for a second. And that second soon came crashing down when I heard the heavy breath of someone.

Because I was new to it, I couldn't determine how far that person, or maybe monster, was. They or it could have been a hundred feet away or a thousand. All too soon, I knew. The wide hand pressing down on my shoulder was the major clue. I pushed Jasper out of harm's way and tried to whip around. The first part went fine, but when I tried to whip around, the heavy hand stopped me. In fact, the grip on my shoulder tightened. All my muscles coiled in fear; if I was a vampire, then what could hurt me?

For the first time since my change I was going to test my new reflexes and strengths. Before the being behind me could do anything, I forced my body to loosen up so I could slip out of the vise-like grip. Once free, I quickly checked that Jasper was safe – I saw a glimpse of his dark hair sticking out from a far alley – then saw what I was about to fight. I didn't have time to be shocked, he came charging for me clumsily. A weakness.

Perfect.

Feeling a little cocky I grinned, but quickly shook the cockiness off. I had to focus. Just in time I evaded his attack, his fingers grazing my sides. Had his nails been long, I would have gotten cut up pretty bad. All I had was an uncomfortable pinching feeling, probably a bruise. Judging by his smell he was a werewolf, which explained why he could hurt me.

I heard the loud crunch of bricks breaking – I had been hoping for it to be his nose, but there was a large gaping hole in the wall when I turned around. Something else was missing: the wolf. Somehow he had gotten away.

“Jasper,” I called out. “It's safe to–” the roar of the transformed wolf cut me off. This time I didn't evade it. My face came in contact with the uneven paving. I didn't know who got hurt the worst: the paving or me. Or maybe the wolf? With the whimper of the large beast came confirmation. I had stuck out a bony elbow and with supernatural strength I had shoved it through its stomach.

Before I could feel that wonderful feeling of achievement, I realized that I was stuck underneath a werewolf with my elbow half-way through its fleshy stomach. I wrenched my arm out and using the animal's moment of weakness I tossed it off me like a rag doll. Seeing its crumpled figure, I chose to leave it alone. As I passed by the alley where Jasper was, I grabbed him.

*****

“Alyssa, stop,” Jasper gasped. I slowed down to a halt for him. When he finally caught his breath he spoke again. “So I lied, our relationship has changed. But it doesn't mean I don't still love you.” He tucked a stray lock of my hair behind my ear. “I miss your long hair.” He smiled sadly. “Just because you think you have a cold heart doesn't mean I think you do.” Jasper placed a vulnerable human hand on my chest, though he couldn't feel its beat anymore he still closed his eyes, as if to listen to it.

“You heart is very warm to me, Lyss.” He sighed. “My sweet, sweet Lyss. I don't care about any of this. Your soul is important to me, not your body.” He grinned naughtily, “Though don't get me wrong, I love,” he kissed my neck, “every,” he kissed a little lower, “inch,” and lower, “of your body.”

I shivered with pleasure. But no. I couldn't, he was so delicate, so vulnerable, so...human. I couldn't. “Jasper, I might end up hurting you.” He stood up straight and I heard the splash of him getting lost in my eyes, again. And I got lost in his. The two of us formed a chocolate ocean. I half-smiled at the imagery of my own words.

He slid his hands around my waist, pulling me so close to him we probably looked like one giant shadow from afar. My head fit snugly in the crook of his neck. Such a grave mistake. I could hear the blood being pumped out from his heart around his veins. Suddenly I was ravenous again, and not for his body.

“Jasper.” The urgency in my voice made him jump. His eyebrows knotted in fear. His little monster need blood. Soon. As if to prove a point my stomach growled again. I stroked his cheek, hoping that to feel him would calm me, remind me that he wasn't food, that I loved him. I still loved him, right?

Becoming this, this...this thing, it couldn't have stripped me of the ability to love. Otherwise why would I have cared about Jasper getting hurt earlier on? Because you didn't want to lose your meal. No. My face stretched with shock at the thought that was in my head. But, no, it didn't come from me, it came from the beast within.

“We'll go to a butcher's, and buy animal blood.” The sereneness in his voice made me fathom that I was lucky to have him. Most people were probably alone after their change, they didn't have anyone to help them through the hard and confusing times that came after becoming a vampire.

There was one thing I didn't quite understand. How could Jasper stay so...serene? He was perfectly aware that any moment I could kill him, that any moment I could start feasting on his blood, so delectable to the vampire side of me.

“Thank you.” The words were like satin slipping through my smooth lips. Silky and soft, just a whisper. In fact, he didn't even react, his human ears oblivious to my words. I owed him my life, literally. Even though it was his fault that I am what I am, I wouldn't have been there without him. “Thank you,” I whispered again.

He stopped walking, and turned to face me, “For what?”

“Everything.” Although I had answered him, we both knew what for. He didn't need an answer, but probably needed reassurance that I had really said that. The rest of the way to the butcher's was spent in comfortable silence. Like an old pair of slippers, that you refuse to throw away. Exactly like that, I refused to throw away the silence. Neither of us broke it.

The silence only broke for him to say, “I think the butcher's is this way,” when we got closer. And then it settled down again, until we arrived at the local butcher. I had been listening to all the things I could now hear, so I hadn't seen the sign, but Jasper had. His groan was what pulled me out of my daydreaming.

“What?”

He pointed to the door, a sign written “Closed” made me growl. My fangs unsheathed again, and I could feel through my feet the vibrations that Jasper was sending off as he tried to make a silent getaway.

I had to shove the vampire back down my throat or some other substance – blood for example – would be going down in its place. Slowly I turned around. Jasper blanched, his skin turning almost has pale as I imagined mine to be.

“Jasper, it's okay. I'm fine.” He looked at me like I was some kind of wild animal, ready to rip his flesh to shreds. It pained me to see that look, those eyes, that fear.

He was scared...of me.

I blinked back tears, but remembered I couldn't cry. “Jasper, please don't be scared of me.” I couldn't handle it if my Jasper was scared of me. It was unimaginable, the one you love being afraid of you. “Please.” Once again, it was a satin word that slipped through my lips. I pictured a scarf with the word 'Please' printed on it floating gently to the ground.

Jasper took a step backwards, the current of air created by his movement sent the scarf fluttering away in the night. The beauty and poetry of it sickened me. I dropped my head ashamed. I was a monster. How couldn't he be afraid of me?

I looked up to see Jasper taking steps towards me. I tilted my head to the side and smiled. His faith in my self-control awed me. Though I constantly doubted his love for me, I felt it and believed it more than ever at that moment. But first things first.

“I have to eat. Now.”

*****

I had never before in my entire life imagined that one day I would end up in an alley, trying to catch a cat or dog or even a rat – for food. I tried not to think of what I would have to do if I ever caught an animal. It should have been fairly easy – I was fast, quiet and had brilliant hearing.
The reason I hadn't caught anything was Jasper's stumbling and gasps when I had unsheathed my fangs that had not only distracted me but also made any animals flee. “Jasper, just go wait for me somewhere. Not to be mean, but you're making my prey run away.”

He grudgingly agreed to leave, pausing only to slightly flinch at the word 'prey'. I turned my back to him, and focused on the task I had been dreading.

*****

The rush of adrenaline from drinking blood was still thrilling through me when I found Jasper sitting on the sidewalk. Beaming at him I pulled him to his feet. Hearing his yelp of pain, I discovered that I was stronger after feeding.

“Sorry.”

“It's okay,” he replied as he rubbed his shoulder. I let him be tough, though I knew it must have hurt like hell.

I winced at the word and the memory it brought with. And then another memory came, when I kissed Jasper... “Jasp?”

“Yes?” he said absentmindedly, still clutching his shoulder.

“When I kissed you, why didn't you push me off?” I frowned. “I mean – I'm a monster, weren't you frightened of me? I know that you told him to turn me, but still...” My voice trailed off pathetically.

“I was in shock, and yes, I was scared.” He stopped trying to relieve the pain of his right shoulder so that he could stroke my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned on his hand, letting myself enjoy the moment. He continued in a whisper. “But for nothing in the world would I turn back time and let you die. I'd rather have you with me, even as a 'monster' as you put it, than not. I don't know what I'd do without you, Alyssa.”

A crazy thought popped up like an annoying pop-up window on a computer. Except that this pop-up wasn't useless. What if I were to... But Jasper needed to stay... I couldn't just take away his huma – oh, fuck! “Jasper, I've been thinking.” To get his attention I jerked my head away from his hand. He looked at me dourly, ready to hear my thoughts, however grim they were.

“I think I should turn you.” I studied his reaction: agreement. He was nodding. I wasn't too surprised, but did he really want to become a monster, too? Not to mention the days of hell before the completion of the transformation.

“Now that you're immortal, it's the only way for us to be together.” He gave me a sugar look.

The sweetness of it burned my lips. So I licked my lips and bit them gently. “Right now?” I said with a tremor in my voice.

“Yes. But not here.” Taking my hand, Jasper led us out of the town, and into the forest. As we came to the path that led deep into the forest, I paused. The memory of my change was still fresh in my mind.

Fires born in the depths of hell coursing through my back then human veins, sweat pearling on my skin and sticking my bangs to my forehead, tears glistening at the edge of my eyes.
Suddenly I was wrenched out of the memory by Jasper's words.

“Alyssa, why are you crying?”