Nothing's Changed

“What did you just say?” I hadn't meant to sound rude, but the words flew out of my mouth, hitting Jasper hard before I was aware they were out.

“Why are you crying?” He looked puzzled, confused. He had, after all, only asked a simple question, one that proved how much he cared about me. Something like that shouldn't have bothered me.

“I'm really crying?” Hesitant elation filled me slowly – maybe I wasn't completely inhuman, maybe there was some humanity left in me. And maybe I could still love him. “Oh, Jasper,” I said, flinging myself at him. Gently, though.

I imagined his eyebrows going up as he wondered about my joy. “Alyssa? What's going on?”

Placing my lips on his ear, I whispered, “I love you.” Then leaning away I continued, “I can still love, I'm not nothing. Earlier on, when I couldn't cry, I thought I was nothing. Humans cry, and I couldn't.” Saddened at the thought my head drooped a bit. But feeling Jasper's body so close to mine made my head shoot back up, lively and humanly.

I wasn't a complete monster! “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I repeated the three words, like a mantra. I pictured the words floating around us, like pink smoke; the words then chaining together and then as one big chain, chaining our bodies together.

I kissed Jasper hungrily, my body and mind and soul (I maybe still had one!) aching for him, his blood, his smell, his touch – his Jasperness. His hands were running up and down me, his mouth on my neck as mine would soon be. My lips found their way to his neck, my teeth sunk in deep.

Coagulated and warm, rich and red, the fluid leaked from his veins. I lapped it up eagerly, fireworks sizzling in my mouth, sweet. So sweet and buzzing with life, going through my system, spreading and making my whole body tingle.

No. Wait, I had to do something... My mind was turbid with ecstasy, I couldn't focus. His leg kicked mine and my mind cleared long enough for me to remember. I had to change him. I listened for his heartbeat: it was slowing down. That meant he had to drink some of my blood now.

Holding him in one arm, I used my free hand to cut myself at the base of my neck. “Jasper, honey.” My voice was honey thick, as if I was drunk. Drunk on Jasper. I giggled. I was literally drunk with him.

Before I lost myself wholly, I set Jasper's lips to my self-inflicted wound, “Drink, Jasp. Drink deep and drink–” I stopped talking. My mind wasn't coherent enough to find another word with “d” that fit with the situation.

When I couldn't hear his heartbeat anymore, I gently set his body over my shoulder and ran through the forest, desperately hoping to find some cave. An hour just before sunrise, when I was far from civilization, I found a cave. I had to climb though. It wasn't a problem, his blood gave me even more strength.

Not wanting to lose any time, I immediately lay Jasper's body on the cave's surface once I reached it. I made sure he and I were very deep in the cave, so that none of the sun's beams could reach us. (Not that it burned vampires, but Jasper needed the dark for his change.) Once his body was safe, I listened intently for any other vampires or werewolves. Fortunately for us, I only heard fauna – none supernatural.

Realizing I needed no sleep, I speculated about what to do while Jasper was changing, which was yet to come, seeing as he hadn't woken from my biting him. He would be going through the average twenty-four hours of sleep, and then, if he was lucky, the average forty-eight hours of change.

At that point I'd have to feed him raw meat, his body wouldn't be able to digest blood yet. It would be long and hard, but worth it eventually. As long as nothing went wrong. But I knew something would.

Because why would life be fair?

**

I snapped up as I heard Jasper moaning, less than a second later I was by his side. His forehead was beaded with sweat, his lips pale and half-open, whimpers of pain echoed around the cave. Bouncing from one rocky wall to the opposite one to the ground to the ceiling, the loud echoes also resonated in my ears. My vampire senses multiplied the noise; it gave me a splitting headache.

But seeing Jasper writhe in agony made me forget my own. Only he mattered right then. So I tended to him, painfully aware that all I could do was be there. I refreshed him and did what little there was to do to make it more comfortable for him.

And that was all I could do.

I hated that feeling of helplessness, like you're told the world was going to end and there was absolutely nothing that could be done to stop it. Eventually Jasper lost consciousness, except his face was still twitching in pain. I couldn't help but frown at the unfairness of it all.

I knew that bad things happened to good people, but why this bad? I knew that we weren't perfect: we had sinned. But surely we didn't deserve this much punishment?

Pushing that thought to the back of my mind, I focused on plans. Questions. Where would we go? What would we do? I hated the uncertainty that our future together as vampires brought me. That's when I fully realized our situation – we would both be vampires.

Until that moment, I had been too preoccupied to think of such simple things; the simpleness of it had not occurred to me until I stopped all actions. Sitting down on a rock in the cave, I looked out at the light rain. I spent the next half-hour watching nature.

I noticed, for instance, that rain darkens the colors of everything. This is a good thing. It transforms the world, makes it look new and fresh. Another thing I beheld was that once the rain stopped, the smell of nature was different, somehow.

It was more powerful – even to my vampire senses.

That's when I realized something else – I was realizing a lot of things today– that I would look like a nineteen year old forever.

My dark almost-black hair would forever be shoulder-length with bangs and never would it be gray; my skin would always be smooth and never wrinkle with age; my lips would always be full and red and my cheekbones would always be this high; my straight nose and arched eyebrows, my rounded chin – not one thing would change.

I would never grow taller (not that it would be possible as a human) and would invariably look younger than my age. I would never gain weight and would never get sick.

So why was I sad?

The pros far outweighed the cons of being a vampire: immortality and preternatural strength, speed, reflexes and senses. Yet this nagging sense of sadness existed deep within me. What were the cons? I was thinking about it when Jasper came to.

He was mumbling and muttering: he sounded insane. I know the effects of vampire blood going through your veins. It clashes with human blood and the pain causes hallucinations. Jasper going on about sandwiches didn't surprise me in the least.

However... When he said “I never even agreed,” I felt sick to my bones. Kneeling by his side I asked him, “What do you mean?” I struggled to keep an even and calm voice as to not stress him. Instead of answering me he turned his face away from me and muttered again. Gently I turned his face to me again.

“Jasper,” I whispered, making sure to sound composed even though I was in hysterics inside. “What didn't you agree to?” My human heart would have been racing with worry, instead my mind did this. I imagined a thousand situations that could fit his words. Not one of them prepared me in the least for the truth.

And nothing could have prepared me for the fact that the truth wasn't spoken by Jasper.
“He didn't ask me to turn you.”

Without missing a beat, but still shocked, I stood up, fists balled up and ready to fight. “What do you mean?” I said through clenched teeth. The figure stepped closer and I saw who it was.

Luke. His tall, lean frame towered above my own short one. He looked down at me patronizingly through his shaggy blond hair. The stereotype of popular guys. He also had the blue eyes, muscular body and the irresistible charm. Luke was just missing one thing: life. He was a vampire.

In fact, he's the one who had turned me. At least I thought it was him; I couldn't be too sure, the process of becoming a vampire is very painful and hazy.

As I was dying I had heard Jasper tell Luke that Luke should do it. Do what? My dying mind had thought frantically of every single possibility. But now I wondered: Who had said that, if not Jasper?

I had told Jasper no, and then heard, “Alyssa, it's the only way you'll live. Please? I don't want him do turn you without your consent.”

“Turn me into...” My foggy mind had been so tired of hanging on that I could barely speak. “What?” I had eventually succeeded to say.

“A vampire.” Back then I already knew they exist, so I mumbled an “Okay,” not thinking much of it. But then...

Suddenly I bit down hard. I could feel a new pain. Different from the ones on my legs and arms. It was my neck, what was going on?

Surely he hadn't been serious about... Ow.

Snapping out of my horrible memory, I looked into Luke's eyes fiercely, unwilling to be threatened by him. He ignorantly settled a hand on my waist. Unbeknownst to him, I wasn't ignorant when it came to fighting.

The loud crack of Luke's stone hard body hitting the cave wall made some ceiling collapse. Luckily for us, it was further down the cave. I delighted in the look of surprise on his face, apparently too long. Because it was his turn to slam my body against the opposite wall.

This time, we weren't so lucky. The ceiling at the front of the cave also collapsed, and caved us in. Luke didn't seem concerned, though. As there was no space between our bodies, I couldn't duck when his fist came for my face. The contact made my head swing and my right cheek smashed into the wall.

He pressed a hand on my other injured cheek and kept me trapped. “Had you fooled, didn't I?” I could picture the sneer on his chiseled face. Grinding my teeth, I resisted the urge to do something stupid, like fight him.

I knew he was older and therefore stronger than me. “What do you mean 'fooled'?”

“'Alyssa, it's the only way you'll live. Please? I don't want him do turn you without your consent,' good, isn't it?” He repeated what I thought Jasper had said to me when I was dying. I gasped in horror. His voice was a perfect imitation of Jasper's.

He mimicked my gasp; and again, it was perfect. Luke sounded just like me. I swallowed hard, determined not to be weak – I would not allow myself to be weak. I slowly turned my head against the pressure of his hand, then took his large hand in my small one and forced it down. With precision and speed I didn't have as a human, I punched his shoulder.

It was enough to send him flying across the cave; he hadn't been expecting me to fight back. He shouldn't make presumptions about people he barely knows. Almost literally flying towards him I was met by the wall face first, damn bastard had stepped aside. Before I could get ready, Luke swept my feet from underneath me. I fell and caught myself with my hands. Not even giving me the time to get up Luke kicked my sides and my hands gave.

My teeth still clenched, I got up and did a roundhouse kick to Luke's head. The sneer finally wiped off his face as he fell. Reaching out, I picked him up by the back of his shirt and threw him into the mount of rubble by the cave entrance. Unfortunately for Luke, he went through it. And, again, unfortunately for him, there was a fall of about a hundred feet.

Sunlight shone through the hole in the rubble, its ray glittered on Jasper's unconscious body. He looked magical and like a vampire – pale and glittery. But I didn't have any time to admire the sight. I had to see where Luke was. I walked to the hole and stepped through, a ledge of twelve inches was all that separated me from Luke's fate.

I wondered if the fall could have slowed him down at all, but a hand gripped my arm tightly. And I knew. I knew it was Luke, I knew he was angry and I knew he would try to kill me. As I attempted to get out of his grasp, I prayed he wouldn't push me of the ledge. Luke, however, had other plans. He wanted me to suffer.

His long fingers wrapped themselves possessively around my neck and he carried me that way until my whole body was dangling above the emptiness below. Then he flung me backwards. But his strength was so, that when I went through the rubble, it all fell into a heap on the ground. In fact, I didn't even fall yet. I continued flying through the air until I went crashing through the second pile of rubble.

Then I fell.

Turning pain into rage, I got up and brushed aside two hundred and twenty pound rocks as though they were rags. Luke was standing over Jasper. Hearing all the noise, he turned around, only to be punched by me. Taking no chances I picked Jasper up, walked over the rocks and jumped off the ledge. As my feet hit the ground I bent my legs, remembering that it would be less painful that way.

And I ran. My first wise choice since sunrise.

It was only slightly harder to run with him. Yet I persisted, determined to escape Luke. I hadn't run very far, though, when Luke stepped out from behind a tree. He had a smile that told me he had been waiting for me, that he had made me think I could get away. I bit my tongue, my cheeks, until I drew blood; I would stay calm.

“What do you want with me?” I forced the question out, barely keeping my anger in check. Luke's gaze trailed leisurely from my hair to my toes, pausing a little around my chest. Fucking –

“Now, now. Be polite, Alyssa.” He was wagging a finger at me, like I was some little kid. I closed my eyes briefly then opened them and relaxed my face. Jaw unclenched and eyebrows no longer frowning, I smiled at Luke.

“What do you want with me?” I repeated in a cloying voice. He wanted polite, I'd give him polite. I licked my lips slowly; my teeth, too. Then I blinked a couple of times. I probably looked like a robot.

Luke merely laughed. “Oh, Lyss.”

My face immediately tightened in anger. “Don't. Call. Me. Lyss.”

He laughed again. “You amuse me, you know that?”

“Well I'm certainly not amused.” Somehow, the fresh memory of Luke almost killing me wasn't enough to calm me. I really shouldn't have been talking to him like that, as if I was stronger than him. Which I wasn't. As I opened my mouth to say something rash, I noticed Luke's eyes dart around furtively.

It seemed as if he was – no. That was ridiculous – but the rustling confirmed it. He did have backup. I half-expected my heartbeat to accelerate, it didn't though. Plans and ideas went through my head.

I looked around me, counting how many there were. Six, including Luke. I couldn't fight with Jasper over my shoulder, though I doubted they'd let me put him down in a safe place. They would maybe kidnap him. And if I didn't fight... I had to. But how?

The five newcomers each took a step closer, I was surrounded. My mind was panicking, I was desperately trying to find some way out of this situation. Maybe I could jump up into a tree. It was possible, except they could also jump as high as me, maybe even higher, considering they had experience.

I'd have to fight, hope for the best and pray adrenaline would keep me alive. Running as fast as I could, I shoved past two vampires and quickly set Jasper's body behind a bush. Spinning around, a vampire – tall and colossal – crashed into me. Pinned beneath him, I squirmed. The vampire restrained my arms and legs. Seeing his neck, I did the only offensive move I could do: I bit him. Hard.

He weakened long enough for me to escape. I stood up and began fighting the other four vampires. I ducked one's punch and swept his legs out from under him, then I did a roundhouse kick to another and punched a third.

The fourth one lunged at me and succeeded. I was knocked to the ground again. This time though, my arms and legs were still free. Twisting my legs difficultly, I managed to grab hold of his head. Then I yanked him backwards and was free again.

The other four were now back up and all came for me. Five punches, I received two of them, and several kicks later I had knocked out three of them. Another kick and one more vampire was unconscious.

Then it occurred to me: Where was Luke? Had he taken Jasper? Worried, I ran over to the bush, but forgot the last standing vampire. He yanked me backwards and punched me square on the jaw. I fell on a thick branch and it dug into my back. Concern for Jasper and rage at Luke gave me strength to snap the last vampire's neck.

Not giving myself time to face the fact that I had killed someone, I went off to find Luke. One quick glance behind the bush proved my doubt; Luke had Jasper. My determination ended, as did my search.

How long had he been gone? He could be so far away by now, and I had no idea where to begin. I also didn't know how long before sunset. I would stand a better chance at night, I needed to stay alive for Jasper.

Sorrow, guilt and rage (again) filled me. I might never find Jasper, it was my fault he was gone and I hated – not Luke this time – myself for letting this all happen. Why had I ever proposed to turn him? I shouldn't have been so selfish, wanting him to be like me so we could be together. I took away his humanity, and for what? We might never see each other again and Luke would maybe kill him before he even completed the change.

All of this would have been for nothing. It of course didn't help that I had been so hungry. I frowned as I tasted blood in my mouth – it wasn't mine. Then I remembered, the vampire I had bitten. That reminded me that I had even killed one.

It was strange to think about, me, killing another human being. Even if he hadn't been human when I killed him he had been one at some point.

The groans of the other vampires waking up shook me out of my thoughts. Better finish the job, I thought. I really didn't want to, but I couldn't risk it. Unless there was some way they would co-operate with me, help me... As if.

Grimly, I walked to them and killed them.

**

I still had many hours to pass before sunset, when I started to think about things. Small things, like when I kissed Jasper and he had blood on his lips, that I hadn't noticed earlier were now screaming at me. Of course! Everything became obvious.

Luke and the others had beaten Jasper up, which explained the blood on his lips; Luke had imitated his voice when I was dying, then he turned me. And when I woke up... The vivid memory burned my retinas.

I had woken up and the first thing I'd seen were stars. The bit of sky I could see was circled by buildings. I stood up and saw Jasper. Not seeing anything wrong, too blinded by my love for him, I ran towards him and I kissed him, my lips smiling as they pressed gently against his. His lips were smooth and moist and bloody.

Stupid. Why hadn't I questioned Luke's disappearance? Oh... Because Luke had scared Jasper into making me forget. But how could I have not seen past his act? I know Jasper so well, how, how could he have fooled me? Tears spilled, tears that I hadn't seen coming. More tears came then, from the heavens.

At first the clouds were mourning with me, then, as I got angry – mostly at myself – thunder rolled and lightning flashed. It was all so loud, but I loved it. It blocked out everything else, only the storm could be heard. Any cry of despair in me was drowned out by the quickly rising noise of thunder. I let myself go, let my muscles loose and I fell. Let my tears out and sobbed. I let it all out.

The thin grass became muddy. Very soon I was drenched and mud had crept onto every inch of me. My jeans were caked with it and my bare arms were lying in the mess. Once dry, my hair would be matted with dried mud. Still, I didn't care. What mattered? Nothing.

I stared at the dark clouds mindlessly for some time. Perhaps only minutes, maybe hours. Days? The sky cleared and it wasn't the sun I saw. Hours had passed. The word rang in my head. My throat constricted. Hours? I was pathetic.

Jasper could be dead by now. I had stupidly let myself wallow in misery, and I'd let him down. He's probably been waiting for me, and I didn't come. I didn't even look for him.

I let the oblivion deep within me suck all my feelings into it – denial. Then I stood up. I was absolutely filthy, inside and out. What would Jasper think of me? I shook the question away. I would make it up to him, I would find him and I would kill Luke.