This Is Not an After School Special

Once Josh and I had confessed to one another that we were in love, he became like a drug to me. I didn't feel like myself when we were apart, and I could never truly focus my mind on anything else of importance. I knew that I was probably acting like an imbecile, but I couldn't help it. At least I was still putting in the effort to be normal.

Despite my efforts, Matt noticed a difference in me.

"Beck, what's up with you these days?"

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You're kind of distant when he's not around now. It's like I'm going to have to be the third wheel if I want to have a real discussion with my best friend." His arms were folded across his chest as he leaned against my locker.

I felt that my love for Josh was too personal to tell anyone, even Matt. "I'm sorry. I'm trying, I really am."

"I know. Maybe I just need to get a girlfriend. Maybe that would distract me enough that I wouldn't notice."

"I can help you with that!" I squealed excitedly. "Oh, Matt, please let me hook you up with someone. I would do such a good job!"

Matt laughed. "Alright. Just this once. I don't want you to make a habit of this. I just want you to be yourself again. So you'd better make this one good; I don't plan on needing you to do this again."

"Yay! I'm going to do you proud, I promise. But don't expect this to be an overnight job; it's going to take time."

"I kind of expected that much. I don't think you'll ever find someone that you believe is good enough, though."

I shrugged, but I knew he was right. I would always find some little flaw or imperfection that made any girl unworthy in my eyes. I was too critical when it came to what was best for Matt. But I had a right to be.

"I'll start my search tomorrow," I told him. "Josh and I are hanging out tonight."

"Of course you are," his voice was teasing. "Is there ever a night when you're not hanging out with Josh?"

"They're few and far between," I admitted. "And unless I spend them with you instead, they really suck."

Matt nodded, though I was sure that he didn't really get it. I wondered if he'd ever been in love. He'd had a lot of girlfriends, but none of them had lasted. And then another thought crossed my mind: did he really want to be in a committed relationship? Maybe he was just putting on a show so that I wouldn't feel guilty about ignoring him. If that was the case, he really was a better friend than I deserved.

"What are you doing for Halloween?" I asked him suddenly.

"I have no idea. Why?"

"Me and Josh haven't made any plans yet. I think you and I should hang out."

"I'm not really a huge fan of Halloween, Beck. You know that. You don't want me to dress up, do you?"

I laughed. "No. I was thinking more like just hanging out and watching horror movies."

"Oh. Yeah, I'd like that. So, no boyfriends or girlfriends? Just us?"

I nodded. "Just us."

"Okay, sure. You're sure Josh won't mind?"

"I'm positive he'll understand. I won't make you be a third wheel, don't worry."

"Who's a third wheel?" Josh asked as he walked up behind me.

"Nobody. Because me and Matt are going to hang out alone on Halloween. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is. I'm not going to stop you guys from hanging out. Why would I want to prevent you from having friends, Becky?"

I smirked at Matt. "Told you so. You don't give Josh enough credit."

Josh turned to Matt, pretending to be insulted. "You thought I would keep you two apart? I could never stand in the way of true love!"

I elbowed him. "Don't start that. Too many people think he's my soul mate. I don't want you to be one of them."

"I was just kidding, Becky. I know that you're just friends. I'm very secure with how you feel about me."

My cheeks burned. "Yeah, well, you should be. Anyways, we should probably go if you're going to get to... whatever it is you have to do after school everyday."

Josh avoided my eyes. "Yeah, we should head out. Catch you later, Matt."

"Bye, guys," Matt waved us off before he turned and headed to his own locker.

"So what's your Halloween plans? Are you kids getting all dressed up and going trick-or-treating?"

I scowled. "Matt doesn't get dressed up. We're going to watch horror movies, actually."

"Now there's a shocker. Since when do you watch movies?" He laughed at his own sarcastic joke.

When Josh stopped his car in front of my house a few minutes later, I found my curiosity was nearing its peak. I hesitated in the front seat, playing with the zipper pull on my sweater.

"What's up?" Josh leaned in closer.

"I just want to know what it is that you do everyday when you leave me. I mean, you come back after an hour or two, so what's so important that you just can't stay and do it later?"

He looked pained. "I'm really sorry, Becky, but-"

"You can't tell me," I guessed. "You can never tell me. I thought we were past that point, though. I thought that you trusted me."

"I do trust you. That's not what this is about. I'm ashamed."

"I won't judge you, you know that."

"I know. I just can't, Becky. I wish I could, but it's too much. When you need to know, I'll tell you. For now, it's better this way."

"Is it like some family thing? Because I guess I can understand if it's something like that. Sometimes you're just not allowed to tell," I was fishing for an excuse. I didn't like this conversation anymore; it was getting dangerously close to a fight.

"Kind of. I guess my family could be involved," his voice was low, as if he was just trying to find a way to use my excuse.

"I'll see you in a couple of hours, Josh," I said, kissing him quickly before leaving the car.

"Yeah, I'll see you then."

The temperature had started to cool down these days. I wore a sweater nearly everyday now. I had moved to Vancouver from Alberta, so I missed the snow when winter rolled around. It would occasionally snow here, but it was incredibly rare. I had only seen it a few times since I'd lived here. And the snow never stayed. It usually melted before it even touched the ground. But, overall, that was pretty much all that I missed. I didn't care that I didn't have any girl friends here. I had never been that interested in makeovers, anyway. I could understand why my mom had noticed that I was happier here.

I guess that was why it was such a shock for her when I came inside with a huge scowl on my face.

"What's wrong Becky?"

"What? Oh, nothing. I'm just distracted by something."

"Need to talk about it? Or do you want me to help take your mind off of it?"

"Thanks, but I've already got something else to focus on." I hurried to my room and yanked my yearbook off of the shelf.

Mom stood in my doorway, eyeing me curiously. I began flipping through the pages of portraits, muttering my own personal criticisms under my breath.

"Too needy... too bitchy... too tall..."

"Too tall?" Mom put her hands on her hips and gave me a stern look. "Why are you being so mean to these girls?"

"Because they're not good enough for Matt. He can't have a girl that's taller than him. That would look dumb."

"Do you think that maybe they're not good enough because-"

"Don't finish that question," I commanded. "They're not good enough because they're just not good enough. Not because I am. Because, to be honest, I'm not either."

"That's not true, you-"

"Give it up, Mom," I purposely sounded disinterested as I flipped another page. "I'm looking for a girl for Matt to date, and it's hard enough without you telling me to look in the mirror."

"I'm just facing facts."

"No, you're not. If you were facing facts, you would see that I'm in love with Josh."

She paused, looking at me in a new way. "You're in love with him?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

I actually laughed at the surprise in her voice. "I'm sure, Mom."

In an instant, her entire attitude morphed. "My baby girl is in love! Oh, you'll never forget your first love! This is so exciting!"

"I'm glad you're finally happy about it," I smiled.

I hoped that I'd actually reached a turning point with her over this. Now that she knew how I truly felt about Josh, maybe she would finally understand that it wasn't just a phase, and I wasn't going to realise that I was really in love with Matt. I returned my attention to the yearbook in front of me.

"Too sarcastic... too serious..."